Home alone 2 turtle doves ornaments

Hello all. Ill try to make it as short as possible. Last year when I was 20, I got caught up in drama between two 16-year olds at the time who were our close family friends (as in their parents). One badmouthed the other to me and someone else, and after a few times I ended up being alone with the one who got badmouthed. At the time I told her to keep her distance from number 1 since she was spreading rumors that were quite life ruining. At the time it felt right to warn her about it, god knows I want someone to do that to me too.
We went back home and she messaged me that number 1 spread a rumor that I am a lesbian. I am not, and not that I have anything against the LGBTQ+ at ALL, but I come from a conservative background where such a belief could quite literally ruin my life. I left it alone and before I knew she told her mom about this rumor, to make her own rumor seem less bad, which resulted in my mom finding out. She was furious and called number 1’s mom about this, and her daughter to tell them to not spread it further. A year has passed since then, and after my mom spend some emotionally intimate times with her mom, I felt bad about the fact that I did indeed kinda backstab number 1, even though it felt morally right at the time. The thing is that she ended up knowing that someone told number 2 about her talking bad, due to them confronting the situation. She just didnt know who it was. Since she knew that number 2 told me about the gay rumor, I figured that it would be a matter of time before she knew.
2 days ago I messaged her that I believe the rumor was said by her just as much as it couldve been made up by number 2, and that I’m not mad. I also told her that at the time things were emotional and I did badmouth her. She took it bad but we agreed to leave it behind us and move forward in separate ways, which helped me feel better about what I did, and could happen. I was wrong. Yesterday she told another family friend about whether she badmouthed her, to rule out that it was indeed me, and told her that there were lies about me being spread in the name of her. My mom panicked and told all moms about my gay rumor (for some reason), and begged them to keep it between them. She is now incredibly furious at me for “lighting up a forgotten candle”, and indirectly risking my reputation. Number 1 also is playing like the absolute victim after I confronted her about the whole situation spreading, enforcing that she will keep distance from all of us. I didnt reply back after that. Was I in the wrong? What am I suppose to do?

​
My roommate (22m) has been living with me for almost 2.5 years. I am the main lease holder, and he is renting one of the four rooms in our four-bedroom house. We were never close, and I only had him as a roommate because his mother is friends with my coworker. He has always made comments like, 'People who work 9-5 have no life, and my life will be so much better when I graduate college,' or 'People who use smart lights are the laziest people, and I would never be friends with those losers.' Needless to say, he has no friends, and his family basically stopped talking to him once he moved in with us. He was doing some online community college and was always home, watching TV all day. He would create issues if someone else wanted to watch TV at the same time by saying, 'I prefer watching TV alone' or something like that. None of my other roommates really watch TV, and they are older and busy with their own lives, so we have been ignoring this behavior. Now, one of my family members (cousin) is moving to the city for a job and needs a place to stay for one month before their new lease kicks in. I took this opportunity to give my roommate a 60-day notice so my cousin can stay with me (Lease says 30 day notice is enough). When I told my roommate, he kind of lost it and said I am 'ruining his life' and that I am 'the rudest person in the house' because, three months later, he is starting college and if I kick him out in two months, he will have to figure out his living situation before college starts. His mother is also mad at me, saying this is the worst time for me to kick him out. I responded by asking, 'Why can't he stay with you for a month?' to which she called me an 'asshole' and accused me of showing no sympathy. It's making me feel a bit guilty, and I am considering not charging him rent for that one month because I know he doesn't have a job or financial support, and it can be tough to find a place to live in a big city. However, I am also mad and don't want to lose money. So, am I the asshole for kicking my roommate out?
(Not a native english speaker so apologies for the errors)

Hello all. Ill try to make it as short as possible. Last year when I was 20, I got caught up in drama between two 16-year olds at the time who were our close family friends (as in their parents). One badmouthed the other to me and someone else, and after a few times I ended up being alone with the one who got badmouthed. At the time I told her to keep her distance from number 1 since she was spreading rumors that were quite life ruining. At the time it felt right to warn her about it, god knows I want someone to do that to me too.
We went back home and she messaged me that number 1 spread a rumor that I am a lesbian. I am not, and not that I have anything against the LGBTQ+ at ALL, but I come from a conservative background where such a belief could quite literally ruin my life. I left it alone and before I knew she told her mom about this rumor, to make her own rumor seem less bad, which resulted in my mom finding out. She was furious and called number 1’s mom about this, and her daughter to tell them to not spread it further. A year has passed since then, and after my mom spend some emotionally intimate times with her mom, I felt bad about the fact that I did indeed kinda backstab number 1, even though it felt morally right at the time. The thing is that she ended up knowing that someone told number 2 about her talking bad, due to them confronting the situation. She just didnt know who it was. Since she knew that number 2 told me about the gay rumor, I figured that it would be a matter of time before she knew.
2 days ago I messaged her that I believe the rumor was said by her just as much as it couldve been made up by number 2, and that I’m not mad. I also told her that at the time things were emotional and I did badmouth her. She took it bad but we agreed to leave it behind us and move forward in separate ways, which helped me feel better about what I did, and could happen. I was wrong. Yesterday she told another family friend about whether she badmouthed her, to rule out that it was indeed me, and told her that there were lies about me being spread in the name of her. My mom panicked and told all moms about my gay rumor (for some reason), and begged them to keep it between them. She is now incredibly furious at me for “lighting up a forgotten candle”, and indirectly risking my reputation. Number 1 also is playing like the absolute victim after I confronted her about the whole situation spreading, enforcing that she will keep distance from all of us. I didnt reply back after that. Was I in the wrong? What am I suppose to do?

Hello all. Ill try to make it as short as possible. Last year when I was 20, I got caught up in drama between two 16-year olds at the time who were our close family friends (as in their parents). One badmouthed the other to me and someone else, and after a few times I ended up being alone with the one who got badmouthed. At the time I told her to keep her distance from number 1 since she was spreading rumors that were quite life ruining. At the time it felt right to warn her about it, god knows I want someone to do that to me too.
We went back home and she messaged me that number 1 spread a rumor that I am a lesbian. I am not, and not that I have anything against the LGBTQ+ at ALL, but I come from a conservative background where such a belief could quite literally ruin my life. I left it alone and before I knew she told her mom about this rumor, to make her own rumor seem less bad, which resulted in my mom finding out. She was furious and called number 1’s mom about this, and her daughter to tell them to not spread it further. A year has passed since then, and after my mom spend some emotionally intimate times with her mom, I felt bad about the fact that I did indeed kinda backstab number 1, even though it felt morally right at the time. The thing is that she ended up knowing that someone told number 2 about her talking bad, due to them confronting the situation. She just didnt know who it was. Since she knew that number 2 told me about the gay rumor, I figured that it would be a matter of time before she knew.
2 days ago I messaged her that I believe the rumor was said by her just as much as it couldve been made up by number 2, and that I’m not mad. I also told her that at the time things were emotional and I did badmouth her. She took it bad but we agreed to leave it behind us and move forward in separate ways, which helped me feel better about what I did, and could happen. I was wrong. Yesterday she told another family friend about whether she badmouthed her, to rule out that it was indeed me, and told her that there were lies about me being spread in the name of her. My mom panicked and told all moms about my gay rumor (for some reason), and begged them to keep it between them. She is now incredibly furious at me for “lighting up a forgotten candle”, and indirectly risking my reputation. Number 1 also is playing like the absolute victim after I confronted her about the whole situation spreading, enforcing that she will keep distance from all of us. I didnt reply back after that. Was I in the wrong? What am I suppose to do?

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Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
— Langston Hughes
Catalogue Description
Self-Monitoring Behavioural Management Report: Casimir Szymański, Scazim Institute of Science and Technology - English Translation
Date:
15 Summer-2 3429 (Standard Parimthian Calendar)
November 23rd, 2162 (Gregorian Calendar)
Held by:
The UK National Archives, Kew
Legal status:
Public Record(s)
My father worshipped a fabricated, pagan prophet.
The Senghavi of the Parimthian Empire are principally joined under the ditheistic religion called Siedi, which I do not subscribe to. Of course, the Senghavi's literature, art, and faith flooded the whole of Earth upon their arrival a century ago. From this ocean of civilised culture, my degenerate species drew a sample, claimed it as our own, and polluted it with a distorted, appropriated, dumbed-down doctrine.
The central figure in this corrupt sample of Siedi was a man whom my father called Jesus Christ. He was said to have offered himself as a sacrifice that could be made to a single God. It was a final sacrifice, one beyond lambs or cattle or people. One that would atone for humanity's sins, so that we could have the free choice between the eternal presence of God and the eternal absence of "Him."
My father dressed himself in black, with a standing collar whose white fabric was exposed at the centre. That much, I could recall. He preached to hopeful humans in what was called a church, though I did not know what he was preaching. At the very least, my childhood is fuzzy in that regard.
The pain that throbbed through my skull, after the blonde savage had slammed my head against the ridges of the airlock, faded into the background. I could not focus; perhaps, I thought, one of their improvised explosives had gone off by accident. There was blue Senghavi blood staining my dress shirt. The rush of air escaping into vacuum pierced my ears.
Perhaps it was thirst of water, which binds most sapient beings—the Sons of Liberty had reached an agreement with the Colonial Defence Force to allow spacecraft delivering food, water, and medical aid, only to unleash the anti-collision lasers of this cursed spaceliner upon those very ships.
Or perhaps it was the explosion, as I initially thought, an inadvertent complication which had wrought injury and death over my countrymen, and which had forced the terrorist savages to attempt to patch up the many hull breaches left by debris.
Or perhaps it was simply the stress of betraying, in my desperate efforts to save everyone from this senseless violence, the greatest secret of the Senghavi Terrans: our antimatter research. Word of it had likely been forwarded already, hundreds of light-years away, to that pink-hued marble which was Parimth itself.
Or perhaps it was all three; thirst, explosion, and stress. In any case, my mind shut it all out, and something lost from my childhood flashed before me:
We're standing on the cracked street of the Vennec Human Reservation. In the distance, the Senghavi's white, glassy spires reach above the clouds, their accents of luminescence dim in the broad daylight.
I hold a ball in my palm. It's wrapped in white leather held together with red stitching. I toss it to Dad.
Instead of his clerical uniform, he wears the normal "T-shirt" and "cargo shorts." Along with the clerical getup, they are just two of the many sorts of clothing which the Senghavi have invented for humanity. I toss the ball to Dad, and he swings a primitive wooden bat.
The ball goes soaring, further than he meant to. He jogs down the road to retrieve it, then gives me the wooden bat. The breeze ruffles his hair just as he ruffles mine with his hand.
"Now, you try," he says. "It's just practice, that's all."
For some reason, he lifts one leg in the air, then pitches the ball to me. I swing. The impact of the ball shakes through the wood, and it goes careening off to the left.
"I did it!" I yell. "But it went out of bounds."
"Heyyyy, that's not bad," Dad says with a reassuring voice. "Good job, just try to go a little more right next time."
Mom comes out onto the front porch, the breeze ruffling her dress as she waves to Dad. "Dinner's ready, and Mom's pie is... almost ready."
I stare blankly at her until I realise that she is talking about her Mom, Grandma, who is the best at making pumpkin pie.
"The pie!" I shout, running and jumping to the front door. "I totally forgot about that!"
I am ready to speed my way through dinner just so I can get to dessert, but Dad stops me before my first bite.
Of course, I think. We need to say grace. Me, Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa all hold hands, thanking God for our food, and then dig in. But Mom and Dad just talk about work, and I am too focused on finishing my food quickly to pitch in.
Finally—Grandma's pie!
When you bite into the soft, smooth filling, you can instantly tell it's been made with fresh pumpkins, not the boring canned ones. The taste of cinnamon and spice is balanced out perfectly with the coolness of the whipped cream.
The flavour spreads through my tongue and nostrils, filling my entire brain with a feeling of amazing-ness. If I wrote the Simple-Speak Dictionary for Senghavi Terrans, I'd put Grandma's pie next to the translation of "perfection."
I should save a slice, I think, for the Senghavi kid.
Even though it's only been a week since I met him through the playground fence, we already told each other where we live, and I want to get to know him more. He doesn't live on the Vennec Human Reservation, but his house is just a bike-ride away in Fellye Neighborhood.
I wonder if anyone's ever given pumpkin pie to an alien before. Even though humans only invented it fifty years ago, it makes me feel proud of my species!
When Mom tucks me into bed, kissing my forehead, I tell her what I'm going to do.
"Oh, you wild thing," she coos. "You're so much like your father. And you have his eyes, you know? Just stay safe."
"Don't worry, I'll do my best."
>! "Good night. I love you." !<
>! "I love you, too, Mom," I say. I hug her tightly from my bed, and a warm, fuzzy feeling blossoms within me. I can hardly fall asleep in my excitement. !<
Luckily, Fellye Neighborhood doesn't take apartheid that seriously, and I don't think anybody cares about an eight year-old human riding his bicycle around the gates.
Next evening, I do just that, peddling out of the Reservation's entrance into the violet dusk. When I get to Mensim's address, I ring the hi-tech front doorbell, and a really tall Senghavi shows up.
"Oh, dear," she says in Parimthian. "A barbarian hatchling—by what name do you go?"
"I'm Casimir," I say nervously. I don't pay that much attention in school, but I know just enough Parimthian to talk to the Senghavi woman. "Are you Mrs. Munghazi? Is Mensim fe Munghazi here? I got two slices of pie. You can have one, too!"
She looks at me suspiciously, antennae twitching. "That would be Teacher Munghazi to you; I know not why you natives invented these odd 'Mister' and 'Missis' honorifics. Hold on—Ghanvati! A native hatchling stands at our doorstep!"
Ghanvati must be Mensim's dad. I wonder where his other moms are; only one has shown up to the door. Ghanvati shows up with two of them—they are both shorter and daintier than Teacher Munghazi, their raptorial forelimbs folded shyly against their bodies. In front of the group of three is Mensim, and I involuntarily gasped with excitement.
"Mensim!"
"This is your new companion?" Ghanvati asks Mensim.
Mensim's papery forewings flicker with affirmation. "I met him at school."
"What, pray tell, is the point of apartheid if it does not actually keep natives away from Senghavi?" whines one of Ghanvati's wives.
Ghanvati's antennae droop as if to say "I don't know," while Mensim lifts my arms, inspecting me like I am a test animal in a mad scientist's laboratory.
"How do you guys not get cut all the time?" he asks, tracing his tarsal hairs over my bare skin. "You're so fleshy!"
"I do get cut all the time," I giggled. "We just use band-aids. Oh, do you wanna eat a pumpkin pie?"
It turned out that pumpkin pie is bad for alien stomachs. Mensim had to go to the bathroom for a long time, and three of his moms got mad at me.
When I got back, Dad and Mom were arguing. I snuck close to the back porch, making sure they couldn't hear me.
"Yes, they leave some people alone," Dad said. "Obviously, they can't spy on every single human who believes in human religions. But Katarzyna, they still need people to make an example out of, and I don't want to be that person!"
"Casimir is a responsible kid," Mom retorts. "I told him he can't tell anyone what you do, and he listens to me."
"He's eight years old. You can't just let him wander around aliens with a secret that could have me killed! Or have you killed!"
Mom cups Dad's cheek and looks him in the eye. She's a lot shorter than him. "Look, love. You're a great father, and I think it's amazing that you spend time with him. But you're the only person he talks to. You know just as well as I do that he needs to talk to other kids! It's not healthy; even Teacher Perevvoxath agreed. And now he finally has a friend."
Dad sighs, running his hands through his black hair. My hair. "You really think aliens are a substitute for human interaction?"
>! "I think every human needs a person they can talk to, and Casimir found one. If you really care about him, stop preaching for a while! Your church isn't gonna die without you. It'll be okay." !<
The next day, I visit Mensim's house after school again. And the next day after that, and the next after that. His dad Ghanvati is formally named Engineer Munghazi. I am to call his moms Teacher Munghazi, Teacher Munghazi, Teacher Munghazi, Accountant Munghazi, Priestess Munghazi, Doctor Munghazi, and Maidservant Munghazi.
A couple weeks later, Mensim and I are lounging together on his couch, watching a Parimthian war movie. The main characters are fighting against the evil forces of the Imperium of Orion. Under his head capsule, Mensim is munching something called Synth-Fruit, which is imported from a faraway planet called Mryi. I eat Pop-Tarts, which I'm pretty sure are toxic to him.
"Come on, just give me one," Mensim exclaims, reaching over to steal the sweet snacks from me. "It can't be that bad!"
I lift the Pop-Tarts away from him, laughing. "Stoppit, you're attacking me! Pay attention to the movie, or I'm gonna shoot you!"
"But I just want one..."
"It's gonna poison you, and you're gonna get your weird alien throw-up all over me!"
Priestess Munghazi, the oldest of his moms, bursts into the living room, her jewellery clinking over her clerical cape.
"Your sister conveyed to me quite the disturbing piece of news, Mensim," Priestess Munghazi cries. "The father of Casimir is a priest of a most barbarous and evil perversion of the Siedi faith. Ghanvati and I spoke, and we agreed that you are not to consort with this primitive, pagan savage any longer."
I drop my crumbly Pop-Tart on the couch, confused at the sudden order.
"But Priestess Munghazi, I'm not dangerous or evil. I'm just a kid."
"Nonsense! You are dangerous; your father is a barbarian worshipper of this evil, primate paganism that is called Christianity, and a most woeful effect is begot that even self-respecting Senghavi have 'gone native,' as they say. Mensim, if you continue to consort with this native spawn, I will be impelled to inform the Siedi Court, and they may by chance see to it that he is executed!"
"W-Wait!" Mensim says, holding up the remote to pause our movie. He gets off of me, suddenly losing interest in my Pop-Tart, his vestigial forewings rising with concern. "Please, Mother. I promise he won't be any trouble."
My blood runs cold. Dad, executed? Just because what he believes in isn't "civilised" enough? Actually, I thought that Mom told him to stop preaching for a while.
Mensim scrambles to *his father's sleeping quarters, and I trail frantically after him.*
"Father," Mensim says. "Is Casimir's father's job so ghastly that he should be executed by the Siedi Court?"
"We can't just let the natives spread the same barbarous religions that they used to kill each other," Ghanvati replies, his secondary arms clasped together. "It's a threat to safe, moral society. Priestess Munghazi told me his father spreads evil and paganism. I have no reason not to trust the oldest of your mothers."
"But Casimir's my best friend! If you tell the Siedi Court about his father, I'll... I'll run away! I'll hate you!"
Distressed vibrations emanate through the floor beneath my feet; Mensim's antennae and papery forewings and hindwings go limp. Something like lilies and the earthy scent of rain fills the air.
"My dearest Mensim," Ghanvati says softly, dipping his head capsule with compassion. "I will hold off, just this once. It would be apt of you not to cause me to reconsider."
"T-thank you, Engineer Munghazi," I say, wiping my own tears. "My dad's not a bad person, I promise."
After confronting his dad, Mensim and I keep on watching movies and playing digital games. He always wins when we wrestle, but I still haven't given up (even though Priestess Munghazi always tells us to stop roughhousing).
I even bring my Lego pieces to his house. He doesn't know what Legos are, but later, in his sleeping quarters, we build together. He makes a cool-looking spaceship that he calls a "negative energy generator."
"Hey, you took all the cool black and grey pieces," I complain. "Now I can't finish my army base!"
"This is cooler than your army base," Mensim says proudly. "Father used to work in one. It uses the superposition of squeezed vacuum states to produce a field of negative energy density."
"I have no idea what that means, but that sounds really smart."
*"No kidding! It's how people make wormholes and fly all the way to other stars." *
"Well, my army guys could beat your negative energy-thingy. They have machine guns."
"My guys could just fly a [~million billion trillion kilometres] away, and yours can't do anything about it!"
"Then your guys are wimps. But my guys aren't. Because they're the Army!"
>! *We also explore the pine forest in his backyard. Within just two more weeks, we have uncovered all sorts of interesting things, like a piece of a real human skull. One time, we found a human foot sculpted and smoothed out of stone—who would make such a thing?—and a dead metal device with the icon of a bitten-out-of apple printed on it. *!<
There were also other human body parts made out of ancient stone, too: the cracked half of a man's face buried a foot deep, a muscly arm sticking out of the soil. Even a private part, which I snickered at, though Mensim seemed unfazed.
There is something else we start to do. My parents have given me "the talk," and Mensim told me that his parents gave him the Senghavi version of it. And so even as we talk and play in the woods, we experiment—because we are curious, and why should we not be?
A fragment of a memory in the forest; Mensim's raptorial forelimbs are set on my shoulders as his compound eyes look into my primate eyes, and he says, "You cannot tell anyone about this. Anyone. Absolutely no one."
I don't know how, but Priestess Munghazi learned of what we were doing, and now she expresses anger and disgust alike, her wings and antennae wild and rigid. Ghanvati is the same. Mensim and I... We're actually making them reconsider their decision not to tell the Siedi Court about my dad.
A fragment of a memory... I feel like I am in space, stranded aboard a spaceliner that has been hijacked by terrorists, its atmosphere venting amid a backdrop of violence... But I am not, I am in the forest that Mensim and I talked and played in; I am in Mensim's home, terrified as I am yelled at by Ghanvati, whose compassion no longer shines through, accompanied by Priestess Munghazi.
"By the names of the Gods, it's those false, pagan corruptions which humans have named as their religions, that are spouted by your father," Priestess Munghazi spits. I am teary-eyed and snot-nosed from guilt and embarrassment. "How horrid is the link between the state of barbarism and a most revolting and shameful propensity for bizarre and perverted behaviour!"
Then I am in my own family's living room, and the mom I love so dearly yells at me, too, but my father is quieter and only seems disappointed. This must be the first time in my life that I have felt true shame, I think; the kind that leaves you with an emptiness inside. Like the whole point of existing just vanished inside of me.
*The worst part is that I cannot even lean on Mom's shoulder, because she is distressed—because she knows what will happen— *
"This is all on you, Casimir!" she screeches, tears in her eyes. "All on you!"
I remember telling Priestess Munghazi that 'I'm not dangerous or evil; I'm just a kid,' but now I can't be sure anymore. I can tell I am different in the eyes of my family. They are disgusted by me.
After Priestess Munghazi tells the Siedi Court of my father's evil, barbaric Christian teachings, the Parimthian soldiers bring my father to the gallows. Their snow-white exoskeletons gleam under a burning sun. They have dressed him in his clerical uniform, and the camera is close enough that I can see his cross necklace.
I have been grounded in my room; still, I have a television to see the live broadcast.
Hanging works for primates and mantids alike. It happens in the Forum of Movvaeti, the venue for public events in our area, where my father is a lesser criminal compared to the native leaders and Senghavi malcontents who have dissented from Colonial Governor Nieve fe Skellth.
He is joined with seven other convicts, three humans and four Senghavi, and their crimes are read to the crowd—blasphemy, paganism, monogamy, witchcraft, seditious libel, insulting the Parimthian Crown, treason against the Parimthian Crown, and refusal to quarter Parimthian soldiers.
Why? None of this feels right. Why should my father be killed because of what he says and believes? Why can't these people be judged with fairness, rather than at the whim of some distant space emperor?
Not only have I been grounded, but I grow cold without my mother's touch. I want to hold someone's hand while watching Dad lose his life, but nobody is there. Mom brings me food, but she doesn't even look at me. Why can't she look at me? Why can't she speak to me? I just want things to be the way they used to be, when Dad would help me practise hitting a ball with a bat on the street.
I watch him turn down a caped, bejewelled priestess of the Siedi faith, who thought she could make my dad accept their Gods before his death. Before a modest crowd of humans and Senghavi alike, all eight of the convicts have their arms and legs bound with rope.
I am begging myself to turn the TV off, but I can't bring myself to. The Senghavi executioner uses some kind of hi-tech display to remove the supports from beneath the convicts' feet. My stomach flips over inside of me, a nausea of shame filling my body.
I can't deny it any longer. This is my fault—this is why my family avoids me—this is why they are disgusted by me—and Dad falls and his head jerks when the noose goes taut.
As he hangs there, I cannot tell for how long he remains alive. My insides are cold. After the broadcast ends, after night falls and I sit in the moonlight spilling faintly through my windows, that is when it all comes out. I sob alone. I scream for Mom to help me and be there for me, but she does not come. Her harsh voice resonates through my memory; this is all on me. I am a disgrace to everyone I love, and that is why they have left me here. Why they avoid me as if I am a disease.
The only thing I want is to see Dad again, but he is gone forever. I curl up on my room floor. What is this? What is this loneliness? This stinging hatred I feel against myself?
No one, human or mantid, will be there for me. I cry until my throat cannot ache any more harshly, until my eyes cannot sting any more painfully, and then I go cold inside, my body shivering in the moonlight. I retreat into my happy memories with Dad until it is too painful to bear.
I wish so dearly I could end it all, to take my own life and join Dad in the heaven that he believed in. There is a belt in my closet that I can use on myself in the way the Siedi Court killed Dad.
But beneath the sickly well of shame, the nausea and crushing humiliation at the stupid antics of Mensim and I, with which Mom's brief gaze pierces me—beneath the weight of knowing that I will never fill the torturous vacuum Dad left, knowing that I am a foul and disgusting son to the mother I so desperately need, that I see no end to the infinite river of anxiety and guilt pouring through the hole left in my heart—beneath my isolation and my longing for human touch—something breaks inside of me.
An emptiness of purpose. There is no point in going on, and I feel nothing, not even the desire to stop living. There is one exception: A hatred of myself, and of the humans I loved as family.
One day, Mom appears in my doorway, and she just stands there. Before, I would've welcomed being offered interaction with her beyond just receiving food, but now I am numb, my eyes all out of tears to cry.
"Pack your things," she says, her voice flat. She still doesn't look at me; the eyes she once said I inherited from Dad, she now shuns. "You're going to a residential school."
Indigenous Residential Schools; that is what Colonial Governor Nieve fe Skellth calls them, I think. They're for human kids who have trouble letting go of their "savage" roots; kids that the normal schools aren't enough to civilise. Schools that show you how to act Senghavi, to think Senghavi, to... be Senghavi.
There was a human kid in normal school whose sister went there, but they said that something had happened to her there; something in that residential school had changed her before she finally returned.
But I feel no fear as I pack my clothes into my bags. Every time I look in my bedroom mirror, a violent feeling rushes to my chest, only to dissipate into the hatred-tinged numbness I have grown so used to.
Finally, the time comes to depart. In the early morning, I am already aboard the autonomous public transport. It pulls out of the cracked street I once played with Dad in, passing by the entrance of Fellye Neighborhood, driving off into the fiery, violet Terran dawn. I see my faded reflection in the window, and my chest jumps with revulsion.
So I look down, fidgeting with my touchpad—then the numbness abruptly leaves, and my tears fall once again.
Forgive me for all the redaction, Doctor Morgthax. While I will not disclose what I wrote, you are correct, as always, about the act of writing. There is some semblance of psychological relief in typing one's sullen inner thoughts onto a touchpad. As if one can be heard without being heard.
By the time I drifted back to reality, my mouth and lips dry from dehydration, the hijackers had patched up the holes punched through the hull by the accidental explosion. Plenty of Senghavi passengers were spilling cerulean blood from beneath their exoskeletal coverings; though they were all alive, they needed medical attention.
Two hundred-something Senghavi civilians aboard this luxury spaceliner, and none had yet died. That stroke of luck offered me a glimmer of hope.
Pavok, the child, was emitting vibrations through the floor in his despair, the smell of rain and lilies becoming evident to me. It is starkly fascinating, the evolutionary dissimilarity between how native Terrans and Senghavi Terrans cry.
Those ships were delivering medical aid and critical provisions to the passengers, Commander Lokprel barked, the neutrino signals that encoded his gruff voice coming out from the intercom. Why did you laser them?
"Stop playing games," Jake snapped wearily into his radio. I recalled that his full name was Jacob Weaver, as Commander Lokprel had mentioned. A drop of blood streaked down his face. "We know what you're up to."
Paranoia will get you nowhere, Jacob. If we don't work with each other, you won't survive. We have detected an explosion aboard the spaceliner. Is anyone dead?
"Not yet," Jake growled. "But Fenni Svim will be if your forces keep approaching!"
Fenni Svim—the Senghavi from the Vellir Veneti Physics Lab, against whose skull Jake had pressed his pistol to halt the CDF's initial approach, hours ago—stiffened in her seat. I had never known the nuclear researcher very well before this barbarous event, but I prayed to the Gods of Siedi (whom I do not really believe in) that she would be okay.
Many of the passengers were still being kept by the windows to deter snipers. They included Pavok, behind whom Khadija stood guard.
"Sorry for attacking you," Jake suddenly said to me, his voice worn-out. "It's like Khadija said. The bugs know that humans are strong when they're united. It's why they try to play us against ourselves, to ally with just some of us, to try to make us hate each other; to hate ourselves. It's how they tore the United States apart. Everything they do... It's to make us ashamed of our species, our own culture, to lose hope in the future. If we were united, Casimir... they'd be terrified of us. And make no mistake—we're uniting again."
"E-even if what you say about mankind is true," I croaked, "Our species would not have settled anywhere but Earth. Our culture and history would still have been negligible and primitive, the richness and complexity of the Senghavi, still greater by many orders of magnitude."
"Casimir, did you go to one of the Indigenous Residential Schools?" Khadija asked.
"Y-yes," I managed, dusting off my formal wear and cleaning my glasses. "I was sent to one as a child. They are for those of us savage natives which conventional education could not sufficiently civilise."
Khadija's eyes softened with compassion, and she gestured to my wrist. "I asked because of that code on your wrist. I've heard about some of the things that happen in those places. The cruelty; the abuse."
I glanced at the abstract identification code tattooed onto my skin, faded with time. I hadn't thought about it in ages; it was but a remnant of my childhood, and I never paid it any attention.
"Residential schooling is necessary and proper," I tell her. "It is similar to human-mantid apartheid in its purpose; it keeps the public safe from savagery. "
"If we get out of this alive, I'm gonna take you with me to Russia," she said, wiping sweat from her brow. "Specifically, Moscow. It's where I lived after the fall of Türkiye. Man controls it, not the Senghavi."
I was already aware that a vast, untamed region named Zvorriu-Sai, located in Earth's northeastern quarter-sphere, is called Russia in simple-speak. A decade ago, Nieve fe Skellth had tried to civilise the hunter-gatherers who lived there, but his troops starved and froze in the snow.
It was with the multitude of planetary habitat fabricators that his army had been using that the native primates of Zvorriu-Sai constructed such cities as Moscow or Saint Petersburg.
"Russian civilization goes back over a millennium," Khadija explained. "I don't give a fuck about what the Senghavi have built on this planet; Russian architecture is my favourite, hands down. Anyway, it's the most stable and self-sufficient of the ten countries we've got left. Hard to invade, you know? It's seen better days, but the cities are nice, the economy is good. I think you'll find it's a hell of a lot less 'savage' than whatever the fuck the Parimthian Empire is doing."
To corroborate her claims, she showed me a photo from the gallery of her cracked, dusty touchpad. Before a busy canal, the waters tinted orange by a rising sun, a more relaxed version of her smiled into the camera alongside some human of the phenotype I had seen in the video of Tokyo. Looming over them was an intricate, palatial structure topped with colourful, onion-shaped domes.
"How... quaint," I replied, unsure of what to say, though it ignited dry laughter in Khadija.
"Looks like we got a communiqué from the UN," another hijacker announced, his mask still covering his face. I couldn't place his accent at all. He held up his own touchpad, displaying photos of the Colonial Governor herself—Perellanth fe Sumur—flanked by armed UN military personnel. They were clad in urban camouflage that was marred with blood. The black, plant-like extraterrestrial gazed defeatedly in the sterile lighting.
The UN had captured her! The Crown's decision to appoint a Vire as the leader of a Senghavi colony had been no small event. I was certain that after all the talk of Senghavi Terran independence, then followed by the Colonial Governor's capture, His Imperial Majesty regretted his progressivist decision.
"We... We did it!" Jake exclaimed, his voice disbelieving. "We took down Perellanth!"
You achieved nothing, Commander Lokprel retorted over the intercom. Not beyond the promotion of Benghoviu fe Prim to Acting Colonial Governor. If you kill Governor Sumur, Governor Benghoviu will become the permanent Colonial Governor as per the chain of command, and he will carry on the fine work of his predecessor.
Jake seemed to consider that situation a fair one, and he nodded to himself subtly. "Okay, sure. But if you do nothing, we'll still kill our first hostage."
What I can promise you is that Delegate Essintsya fe Baryn will submit an Act to the Forum of Delegates to recognize the sovereignty of the UN. It will be deliberated over for months, but it is your only realistic option. In return, we demand that you allow the passengers injured by one of your explosives to board CDF medical ships.
I recalled that the Forum of Delegates had voted Benghoviu fe Prim as Vice Colonial Governor just a year ago. And before even that, the Senghavi who lived on Vennec—my home continent on Earth—had popularly elected the ever-prudent Essintsya fe Baryn to the Forum. She was quite the economic liberal, as her sort was called.
Delegate Baryn's statements on the social contract between a people and their government, as well as her rejection that the Parimthian Crown ruled by divine right, had resonated deeply with me.
Jake's eyes hardened, and he turned his radio back on. "I said no games!"
There are no games here, Jacob! We only aim to preserve as much sapient life as possible. And you are out of options.
The hijacker who had shown Colonial Governor Sumur's prison photo gave Jake a withering look. "We're dragging this on, man. I don't want anyone to die."
"Don't talk to me about death, Ramiro. Not after what happened in the US."
The so-called United States of America... called Gholo Vieda in Parimthian. That region was Nieve fe Skellth's last successful conquest before he attempted to take on the vast, snowy expanses of Zvorriu-Sai. I wondered if, like Khadija's experience in Türkiye in the Niethvahi region, Jake had witnessed firsthand the cultural assimilation and political integration of Gholo Vieda into the rest of Parimthian Earth.
The conquest of Gholo Vieda and Niethvahi were the great accomplishments of Perellanth's predecessor, of course; but, in my opinion, the devotion of the (now captured) Perellanth to the causes of liberty, reason, equality, and sapientism far outshadowed anything that Nieve had done. I am certain, however, that the Parimthian Crown disagrees.
In any case, my faith in CDF Commander Lokprel loth Fonvie had not risen. Perhaps that was a good thing; otherwise, I might have regretted betraying the knowledge of antimatter research in order to elicit a more competent Parimthian intervention.
More security forces took up positions around the spaceliner, each ship split sharply into sunlight and shadow amid the black of space. The hijacker called Ramiro pointed to a series of smaller craft, which seemed to be pulling away from the luxury spaceliner. Escape pods!
"Hostages are falling through our fingers," Ramiro said. "We need to do something."
"Go to the rear," Khadija ordered. "Stop anyone else from sneaking out!"
Jake's radio crackled with the voice of someone in the cockpit. We've intercepted a neutrino transmission from the new guy, Benghoviu fe Prim. He's calling for some kind of emergency council at the highest levels in the Parimthian Empire.
I scoffed internally. The Crown would intervene for the sake of investigating all this talk of antimatter, whose alluring utility had hitherto been confined to theory and fiction. But it was doubtful that His Imperial Majesty would agree to an emergency council for the sake of his colonists' security and well-being. As (relatively) progressivist as he was in policy, he was still very much a punitive emperor, not a rewarding one.
"I told the commander to stop advancing—dammit!" Jake spat. "We're only letting medical craft get any closer. Fire at the corvettes!"
Affirmative, his radio crackled. Targets in sight.
The spaceliner's anti-collision lasers flashed against several faraway spacecraft. A succession of oxygen-fueled fires, each lasting for a [~split-second] against the vacuum of space, flared in the distance. Even so, the growing array of naval craft began to close in upon us again, surrounding the spaceliner in every dimension.
Switching again to the neutrino-connected channel, Jake gave a disgusted scowl. "Are you deaf, Commander? If your people keep getting closer, the deal is off!"
The more you fire, the closer we will get, *Lokprel said. *We are just making sure it is safe for the medical craft. As long as you refrain from harming them, we will not hurt you.
The hijacker in the cockpit radioed to Jake again, her voice sounding more alarmed.
We're picking up a massive object on our scanners. It's headed our way.
"How massive are we talking?" Jake asked.
It's... some kind of warship, I think. Over a hundred times our size.
"You're joking, right?"
"A Parimthian spacecraft carrier," murmured a soft, whimpery voice.
It was Fenni Svim again, her praying raptorial forelimbs tucked close in fear.
"The Imperial Parimthian Navy?" I asked. "They're really here?"
"Y-you shouldn't act surprised," Fenni said. "I know you were speaking to someone on the P-Parimthian side. You leaked our greatest secret, Casimir."
"R-right."
"What's she talking about, dude?" Khadija asked. Suspicion of betrayal lingered in her dark eyes. She had believed the lie that I was only calling a loved one when I contacted Mensim, >! who is at present an agent of Parimth!<; she had trusted me, and defended me against Jake's wrath.
I didn't answer. The very reason we needed antimatter was that the colonists' outerspace spanned but a meagre few millionths of the Parimthian Empire's total volume. I did not know what exactly a spacecraft carrier one hundred times the size of our spaceliner could do for the hostages, but it would be far more competent than the comparatively flimsy Colonial Defence Force.
Finally, after so many years of strategic modesty in the administration of the Crown's distant colony, of his Earth, as His Imperial Majesty suffered expense upon expense in countering the Imperium of Orion... Parimth had sent a warship of the Imperial Parimthian Navy, here in full force!
There was no need to inquire as to its distance; I could see it through my window. It was far enough that I could view the whole of its great form. Senghavi architecture, of course, is usually round, white, and glassy, traced with glowing accents; however, the imperial warship was boxy and shadowy black, visible only by the silhouette that it carved into the beaming sun.
Already, dozens of smaller craft—operated by some of the finest Senghavi pilots in the Milky Way—began spilling out from the spacecraft carrier, moving in the shadow of their gargantuan mothership. As even the hostage passengers became aware of its presence, the muted chatter and whimpering, which had been ambient across the aisles of the spaceliner, finally ceased.
Because of me, all of us—colonists and savages alike—were, for the first time in a decade, going to face a military intervention by Parimth itself.

So, I have this friend who calls me every. single. day on her commute home; I live much closer to work so I’m usually already home by then. The thing is, it’s the same conversations every night and she does the majority of the talking; sometimes the conversations are about work, which is fine since we’re in the same field, but other times it’s about her kid and I’m starting to find them tedious. Plus, because we talk every night, we run out of things to talk about and I’m just over it.
So tonight, I turned my phone to Do Not Disturb and went about my evening. I checked my phone around the time she usually calls and she called me four times within 12 minutes. Now, the ringer didn’t go off or anything but I find that so excessive and now I’m annoyed.
The thing is, I’m not always available and I think it’s reasonable to try someone once or twice but get. the. fucking. hint.
1) AITA for feeling annoyed? 2) how do I tactfully say “I don’t think we need to talk every night. Try me once or twice then leave me alone.”?

21/10/1
I worked with ychild to get her to clean her room. i did not help her but tried to tell her step by step on cleaning. ochild found out and started cleaning his room. He did well but missed something small. I asked him to finish this one section and he flipped out. I did not yell at him but did start to become heated because he was throwing a fit like a toddler. spouse came bursting into the room yelling at me for yelling at ochild.I think ochild knows he just can just yell and stomp to get spouse's attention and I will get in trouble and he will get to do whatever he wants. This is when I finally made up my mind that the only option is divorce. I cannot think that this marriage is fixable now. I did the dishes, cooked supper, cleaned the living room, swept, and vacuumed. spouse asked me when was the last time I cleaned the toilets. spouse slept with the kids.
21/10/2
spouse spent all day in her room working on her school work. I got the dash cams working in both of our vehicles. Worked with the dogl while walking with her harness. I put up all the laundry except for her shirts because there is no room in our closet and we are out of hangers. I picked up all the torn up trash and dog poop in the backyard. Did a water change in the aquarium. ychild has torn up her room that she cleaned the other day. I spent about an hour outside playing with ychild and ochild. I managed to get the kids in bed around 10-10:30pm. spouse announced that she was taking a bath. At the end of the bath I went in. She started talking about how after everyone went to bed she was going to stay up in the livingroom to work on school. She then told me i came in there for a reason and to tell her what was going on. So I asked if I could go down on her that night. She got angry and told me "does not need to be taken care of." I closed the door and left but I could hear her still going off on me. I feel deflated and unloved again. I don't know why I keep trying to bring the spark back in the marriage. spouse slept in our bed last night and ychild joined us. Today I cooked a breakfast supper and made pizza for lunch. I woke up at 3:30 am and couldn't get back to sleep.
21/10/3
I started this journal and decided to try and write about the previous 2 weeks events. My goal is now to record the things I do in the house, my interactions with spouse and the kids, where spouse sleeps, and anything noteworthy on a daily basis. This morning I tried to talk to spouse (she sighed and looked annoyed when I started talking) about an interaction I had with ychild on our way to get breakfast this morning. ychild decided to talk in a way that makes it sound like she is cussing even when she isnt. I told her what I told ychild and spouse snapped at me when I tried to get into the details. If I know I am going to talk to spouse about something non-spontaneous I'm going to try and start recording the interactions. I cooked supper. spouse slept in our bed last night, ychild joined us after waking up.
21/10/4
Today we went to the state fair. It started out as usual when we go on the trip. late start, blaming, getting mad, yelling, her being upset. After getting to the fair the day went well. We didn't argue very much and the day was actually nice but long. Wife had a school meeting at 5. Went out to eat for supper then ice cream with the kids. As usual fight started when the kids only wanted to sit with Wife. Get home kids bathed and put in bed. Wife bought a special deodorant to help with smells in the breast/pubic area (something she is self conscious about) I helped apply it and try and kiss her breasts. She turns away and says she is cold. Helped wife put together kids lunch and backpacks for the next morning. Take the trash out. I shower and notice my wife isn't in bed when I get out so I assumed she was sleeping with the kids. She was sitting in the living room in the dark with her phone on facebook. Wife said she was going to bed but didn't want to "do anything." I go to bed also so I can spend some time with her. Once again I try and cuddle with her. I roll next to her and place my hand on her leg. I don't move it because it tickles or annoys her. After 5 min without her trying to cuddle and with her face buried in facebook I roll over. She can tell I was upset and said that she didn't try and cuddle cause my arm was pinning her down. This isn't true it was only on her leg and i wasn't applying any pressure. YChild ended up in our bed during the night.
21/10/5
Went to work today. no goodmorning or goodbye kiss. Worked all day, picked up the kids, brought them home and emptied their backpacks. Wife got home about 10min later. No hey how was your day. no hello kiss. Nothing. She disappeared into the bedroom again. Worked with Ychild on her letters because she isn't doing well in school. had a breakfast supper. Took the dogs for a walk. made OChild lunch. She complained because I had not yet done the dishes. Waited till the last minute to get their backpacks/clothes together for the morning. Complained because things were missing. feels like I never hear anything positive only ever complaints. Went to bed and wife finally makes it in. I don't really attempt to cuddle just put my arm on her leg and accidentally scratched. Thought I had made her mad so I pulled my hand back. A few minutes later and she rolled over and spooned with me (little spoon.) Its been years since this happened. Is she doing that because of my persistence and she is trying to make me happy? or is it because of a positive change. Only time will tell (success.)
21/10/6
Woke up and wife wasn't in the bed. I don't know if she woke up early or went to lay down with the kids in the night. She was in a mood when i got up. Complained because I hadn't put up the kids school laundry when it came out of the dryer so the clothes are now wrinkly. I let myself relax last night and did not do as many chores. I need to work on that and try and stay busy. ran into trouble picking the kids up from school. Their school fund raisers were supposed to come out with the kids. Ochild did not bring them out because he didn't listen to instructions from his teacher. Wife had to swing by and pick them up because I was already on the way home and the line was seriously backed up. Got home did the dishes, cooked supper, folded the laundry and put a load of laundry in, and gathered and took the trash out. Wife spent the evening once again in our bedroom but this time it was working on activities to help our daughter learn better for school. She did have a school meeting at 7 pm. I thought the kids would shower on the next day so I did not tell them to bath, but was overruled agrily by wife and gave my daughter a shower because her hair was dirty. Kids got to bed 1 hour late because wife kept overruling me on telling them to go lay down. After kids went to bed I got on my computer to play games. I put too large a load in the dryer and it took a long time to dry so I was not able to put it up before bed time. Wife went into the kitchen to make the kids lunches. I asked if I could do anything to help and she said no. I layed down in bed a little later than I was planning. Wife was very angry when she opened the dryer because I hadn't taken the clothes out and folded them, I had washed our large pile of clothes instead of the kids 1 day of clothes, when I folded the laundry I didn't put the towels in the bathroom because i did not want to interrupt her meeting so she yelled at me because the towels were not in the bathroom when she went to take a shower. I was berated very badly and once again felt unappreciated, emasculated, and unloved (hated maybe.) She said that I was doing more around the house only because I felt our marriage was failing (in a sarcastic tone of voice) and I wanted to be praised. I am doing it because it helps with my depression and honestly I am trying to get into the habit for when I inevitably divorce her. I turned off my emotions and went to sleep. No kiss goodnight and even saying goodnight.
21/10/7
Woke up at 3:30 am alone in bed. I assume the wife slept with the kids. I couldn't go back to sleep so I laid in bed. Closer to the alarm time of 4:30ish I got ready for work. When my wife came in I had to say good morning,she wasn't even going to talk to me. I had to initiate the conversation. I left 5 min early because I didn't want to be around her. I had to kiss/tell her goodbye which is usual. I'm not sure the last time the morning routine was initiated by her. several times in our marriage I have experimented with how long we would go without a kiss or an I love you that wasn’t initiated by me. Usually its several weeks and I almost feel like seeing how long it would take this time. Got home with the kids and stopped for our weekly
treat. Wife did not spend as much time in the bedroom as usual. I was tired so I did not feel like doing any cleaning. I cooked supper and we watched a show during supper. Afterwards she joined me and the kids in walking the dogs. We got back and watched a few more shows and then I helped her with lunches and getting the kids things together. Anytime something didn't go perfect she always had little comments and blamed me (like when she couldn't find Ychilds clothes or if a tape was missing.) all in all, the day wasn't bad and wasn't good either. I went to bed a little early and she decided to stay up and watch one of her own movies. I did not kiss her or say I love you. She did not say anything about it.
21/10/8
Woke up at a normal time. Wife and Ychild were in bed with me. The morning went ok and Ychild was very chipper and loving. Got home from work with the kids and went out picked up groceries and ate out. we stopped at some yard sales and had a decent fun time with minimal arguing. Got home and put up the groceries. wife's parents were coming over the next day and "we" cleaned the house. I did the dishes, cleaned the counters, vacuumed and shampooed the carpets, picked up the living room, cleaned off the fireplace, put up the clothes in the living room. It was 10:30 I kept telling the kids to go to bed and Wife kept overriding me. Telling me its the weekend and the kids should be able to stay up. I think 10:30 is too late for an 8 and 5 year old to stay up. I told wife I was tired and was going to bed. She complained that she was going to have to stay up and clean the house by herself. She said i didn't do enough. The only thing she could come up with when i asked her what i didn't do was keep the entertainment center clean and organized. Apparently i'm fine living in an empty house. Funny when she was a stay at home mom after she got laid off and then during the pandemic, the house was never cleaned. She stayed home all day everyday and never cleaned nor cooked supper or did the dishes. I feel like I am bending over backwards not only am I not receiving credit for what I have done. I am actually getting complaints for not doing enough. She eventually went to bed with the kids while I slept in my bed alone again. Not that I wanted her company after making me feel like that.
21/10/9
Got up around 7:00. I finished cleaning the carpets in the living room, cleaned the trash from the carpets, and swept the bathroom. We went looking at garage sales. Parents got there a little late in the day and spent more time with her sister than they did with us which is usually. I tried to get the kids to go to bed at a decent hour but was once again overruled by my Wife. She said the kids are on a school break and should be able to stay up later. I agreed but didnt think staying up till 11:30 at night should be the answer. They should be in bed at 9:30 and asleep at 10:00. Needless to say Wife slept with the kids.
21/10/10
Today we spent a great deal of the day traveling and going to yard and estate sales. It was a decent day with minimal arguing except for right before supper trying to get the kids to not cry when we wont buy them everything they want. Wife said I am fuel to the fire for the kids. It upset me that she constantly bad mouths my parenting style. Apparently not putting up with children throwing fits and actually punishing them instead of just letting everything play out without saying anything is a bad day. A thunderstorm came late in the evening and none of us went to bed before it passed. Wife slept with the kids again.
21/10/11
We all woke up early and took wife to work. When we got back I let the kids play and be kids. We did work on Ychilds worksheets for school. Ochild had a dr apt then we went to pick up wife. Got home and cooked supper and did the dishes. I also vacuumed the livingroom. spouse spent the entire evening in the bedroom working on schoolwork. Wife slept with the kids again.
21/10/12
Woke up with Ychild in my bed and wife at work. Had a good day with the kids. Ychild lost one of her (only pairs) of shoes. They played all day in the living room having a good time. Had leftovers for supper. Wife spent all evening in the bedroom working on schoolwork. Wife slept with the kids again. I was feeling very alone again. Just reminded me how we don't have much of a marriage.
21/10/13
Woke up early alone in bed. Had a good day with the kids. Helped them build a big fort in the living room. I did some woodworking today and got the pole saw from our neighbor. Walked the dogs before supper. Supper didn't turn out well, the pork chops were freezer burnt so we got taco casa. Wife spent the evening in the bedroom working on schoolwork. Another thunderstorm rolled in around bedtime. Wife slept with the kids again. That's 6 days straight sleeping in my bed alone.
21/10/14
Woke up at 3:30am got up but went back to bed and eventually sleep around 4:30-5:00. Woke up with Ychild in bed. I took the kids to several stores today and changed the water in the aquarium . Wife got back home and let the kids play. Once my wife got home I cooked supper and washed the dishes while she disappeared into the bedroom. Went back there and she was just laying in bed saying she was tired while watching tv. I convinced her to come and eat supper with the family at the table. Afterwards she went back to the bedroom for more bed and tv. She would rather spend time laying in bed and watching tv than spend a little time with me. I have been all alone with 2 kids all day (actually for the last 4 days.) Ochild convinced her to come out of the bedroom to show her something on his tv. I don't know what to do and no longer feel connected to my wife, I feel like I am all alone. Wife came out and before laying down with the kids mentioned I havent kissed her goodnight in a few days and to come kiss her. It was just a smooch but at least she took notice. I told her it feels like she wanted me to do that lately.She told me she was just stressed and tired from school work. She slept with the kids again tonight.
21/10/15
Woke up with Ychild in bed with me. Got the kids up and fed them breakfast. Wife got home early and we went to an estate sale. I made hotdogs for supper. Kids went to bed late. Wife complained about them not being asleep. I told her what she said about them being on a school break and me getting in trouble with her earlier for putting them to bed before 10:00 pm. It didn't matter, it was still my fault and still upset. Wife slept with the kids again.
21/10/16
Wife got up earlier than me. We left the house around 9 to go look at some neighborhood garage sales. had a decent day in the car with minimal fussing. Got home a little later than planned. Had Ychild start cleaning her messy room. Wife started complaining about the messy house again saying she is the only one who cleans. Apparently I am not doing a good enough job. What a surprise. did some laundry today. got the kids to bed around 9:30. They were constantly out of bed until 11:00pm with different things. I was getting upset with them and my wife strolled in and took over as usual as soon as the kids started crying. She actually came to bed with me tonight. I tried to cuddle with her but as usual she huffed as soon as I put my arm around her. She said she doesn't mind me cuddling, she just doesnt like it when I move my hand. She made no effort to return the love. I am glad for these interactions because it reminds me that I am not loved and why I want a divorce.
21/10/17
Woke up around 6:00 am with a stomach ache and bloated. Down to 238 lbs. Wife spent the day in the bedroom working on school. I did some laundry, trimmed the trees in the yard, and put out bulk pickup items. Cooked chicken fajitas for supper. Wife came down sick with something and went to bed early. Kids were asleep by 9:00. Wife was asleep by the time I came to bed.
21/10/18
Went to work. Not a bad day there. Got home and cooked supper, took the dogs for a walk. Tried to put the kids to bed at 8:00 Ychild started crying and got wife to agree to let her sleep in our bed tonight. All they have to do is turn on the water works. The wife doesn't want to hear them cry so she caves. Ychild slept with me and wife.
21/10/19
Went to work. Picked up the kids and went home. Cooked hotdogs for supper. Put up some laundry. Wife cut the Ochild and my hair. Didn't go for walk today. Got kids to bed on time. Wife slept with the kids.
21/10/20
Worked from home today. Picked the kids up for a half day. Stopped at chick-fil-a for lunch. Went to the fish store with the kids. Met Wife for the Ychild's parent teacher conference. Cooked chicken fajita nachos for lunch. Gathered trash, did laundry, and did the dishes. Cut out the pumpkin with the kids. Wife and I watched Netflix until bed. We lay down and I decided to try cuddling again. I rolled over to her and she actually reciprocated. She put her leg around mine and held my hand. It felt really nice.
21/10/21
Went to work. It was an uneventful morning and work. Picked up the kids and called my wife to meet us at DQ for a treat. We got home and my wife wasn't feeling well. She didn't eat supper. Me and my kids took the dogs for a walk while my wife stayed behind and took a bath. We watched netflix until bed again. Got the kids in bed on time. When the kids threw a fit when they wanted Wife to cover them up she said something in a low voice and refused to tell me what she said. I kept asking her and she finally told me "it's probably why you resent me." I didn't say anything because it was partially true. I do resent her because the kids prefer her, but they only prefer her because she constantly gives in their fits and I do not. So I keep being the bad guy and she get to be the fun yes mom. Later we started working on the kids' lunches. I got a bottled drink off the table and started to open it.She asked if it was old and I said i don't think so. She started to complain at me because she didn't want to give the kids an old drink. I started to explain why I didn't think it was old (the cap still had seals on most of the cap.) She told me I was talking too loud (I wasn't, I was talking in a normal voice.) She told me she didn't need me anymore so I left and went to bed. We went to bed angry with
each other.
21/10/22
Woke up still angry at her because it was such a little issue to get mad about. Things like this happen all the time. Little things that don't matter in the long run end up being blown up beyond what it should have. had a decent day at work then went and got the kids. ate at the olive garden. Ochild asked if he could have her phone. I explained to him that he could only have his tablet, not her phone or tablet. He got upset and wife immediately caved and gave him her phone. I explained to my wife that we agreed 2 weeks ago and they haven't had either this entire time. their behavior is much better but she said she isn't feeling well and just didn't want to hear it. i got home and unloaded the groceries. My wife started complaining about me unloading the groceries wrong. Apparently I'm supposed to put them on the table starting at the far end then work down the table from there. Like it makes a difference if you take an extra step either way the entire table is filled up and it doesn't matter which end you start on. Then my wife complained that I hadn't cleaned up the blood drops from the dog yet. I literally was only home for 2 minutes before she got home then we left but it's supposed to be my job to get it done with no time to spare. I cleaned it up and she started complaining that I cleaned it wrong. I used a baby wipe when I should have used clorox wipes. There is litteral pee on the floor and she is worried that the blood wasn't sanitized. Makes no sense. This all happened within 20 minutes. Needless to say she slept with the kids again.
21/10/23
Woke up for overtime on a saturday. i worked 7 hours on a boat on the lake. Come home and the wife is sitting on the couch watching tv and the kids are right next to her zoned out with electronics. she didn't do anything all day and has been binge watching netflix. she said
She wanted to go to a local festival today. I fixed myself a pbj for lunch then did the dishes. We went next door to help the neighbors put on their pool cover. After that we went to watch a country band perform at a local festival. We were there for 2 hours and she seemed
upset with me because she knows i do not like crowds and i told her i was there because it's what she wanted to do. that's supposed to be my job to do things i don't like to support her but I guess i am actually supposed to like it to avoid offending her. The kids were
horrible and kept fighting over her phone. It seems like im never gonna get her to put her foot down. Came back home and watched the last episode of season one of our favorite shows. Kids stayed up late and the wife slept with the kids.
21/10//24
Had a decent night's sleep. The kids were screaming when I woke up. Kids had a full day of playing. I took Ochild with me when I went to the store and I bought him lunch. We get home and I throw the kids' laundry into the washer. Wife and the kids made a pumpkin into a puppy for
Ochild's book report. I take Ychild to the store to get her own pumpkin. Kids are playing a game with a hula-hoop like mirror-mirror. My son asks the mirror who is the laziest and he puts it up to me. It really hurt my feelings. Wife talked to him and told him all the things I do (dishes, cooking supper, laundry, sweep/mop, vacuuming, gardening, mowing.) She listed all these things. I talked to her about it later and she said "well" like she really thinks I am lazy. She just listed off all the things I do and she talks to me like I am lazy. Ychild threw a fit at bedtime because her required stuffed animal is dirty from the dog. I begin telling her that she needs to take care of it and this wouldn't happen. Wife gets onto me about trying to teach her life lessons. Wife allows ychild to sleep in our bed with us. I don't think any of my lessons will ever stick when wife is there to overrule me and go softer on the kids. At least I didn't sleep alone tonight.
21/10/25
Woke up and went to work. Uneventful day at work. Get the gets and bring them home. I put up the laundry and started a new load. Picked up the living room and then cooked supper (smothered pork chops.) Afterward we walked the dogs (wife got home and was tired so she changed into pajamas) ychild was upset and wants her mommy to walk with us so she got peeved but changed into street clothes and we walked together as a family. We get back and sit on the couch for the next 3 hours watching netflix. Put the kids to bed then finish our netflix binge. After I volunteered to help fix the kids' lunch for the next day. She praised me for the speed that I made their lunch. Unfortunately ychild had spilled something in her lunchbox and I cleaned it. It got wet when I cleaned and my wife flipped out and got in a bad mood. the next 20 min was kicking me out of the kitchen, complained because i forgot to bring ychild's sweater in from the car, upset because i did not put the laundry into the dryer. I went to bed alone.
21/10/26
Woke up with my wife and ychild in bed with me. I started getting ready and my wife started complaining to ychild that she will have to go dig through the laundry basket to get socks because they never get put up. I spent all my time between getting home and cooking supper and putting up laundry. The both of us sat on our butts and watched netflix for hours the previous evening. we could have done those together but we didn't. Instead it's my fault because I didn't do it. Its tiring bending over backwards, feeling like you are doing the brunt of the housework, the only one working, the only one cooking and feeling unappreciated and getting bitched at for minor things. especially the 1st thing in the morning to our ychild within earshot of me. She is very passive aggressive and saying these things to my kids undermines my authority and prevents me from being an effective parent. Its things like this that leads me to believe that's why my son thinks I am lazy. I wonder what she has said to him so that I didn't overhear. I got the kids from school and brought them home. I immediately put up the clothes that had been folded but not put up. I cleaned the fish tank of dead fish and snails. I cooked supper (hamburgers), i wasn't feeling well so we didn't go for a walk, I got an old laptop together for Ochild to use. Wife and I watched TV for about an hour and got on my computer. Went to bed alone.
21/10/27
Wife and I had an argument at the end of the night. Went to bed upset.
21/10/28
Woke up with my wife and ychild in bed. Didn't say goodbye to my wife when I left. I had a decent day at work. Picked up the kids and brought them home. We didn't walk the dogs today. Wife had to stay late at school. Wife went to bed early with the kids.
21/10/29
Woke up in bed alone. Left again without saying goodbye to my wife. She was upset but I guess doesnt realize that our marriage is in trouble or just doesn't care and wants to maintain an illusion. Didn't have to pick up the kids from school today. We went out to eat for supper. Wife slept with the kids again. came home and mowed the lawn. We ended up eating out at Tuscan Slice. came home and the wife slept with the kids.
21/10/30
Woke up alone. Worked 10 hours of overtime. got home and immediately left to go do some halloween stuff at the big church. had a decent time with little arguing. Afterwards I ate at CFLA. Daughter got upset because she wanted to switch seats and I said no. I am tired of giving in
to the kids' every demand. When she started throwing a fit and told her she was about to get a spanking. Wife got upset because I will actually spank them and she thinks it doesn't do any good. The kids only really seem to do this when they know mommy is around cause when it's just me they behave. They know they can always get mommy on their side and turn her against daddy just by crying. The wife stayed in the bedroom working on schoolwork after we got back. The kids stayed up really late (11:30). went to bed alone.
21/10/31
Woke up alone a little later. Wife and ychild had slept with me. We ended up staying home most of the day. Wife stayed in the bedroom working on schoolwork. I played with the kids, swept, vacuumed, did the laundry, cleaned the living room, and cleaned the aquarium. We went to a local church event for trunk or treat and then we took the kids trick or treating down downtown. It was a decent night. We got home and the kids went to bed a little late.
Nov 2021

21/11/1
I worked from home today because the kids' school was having a teacher work day. It was a decent day. When I am alone with the kids they don't really argue too much and even if they do I am there to help them. It seems like I have a better relationship with my kids and my children don't misbehave as badly when it is just me taking care of them. They really ratchet things up when their mother is home. Wife came home and she is nearing the end of her academic degree plan. Had to have an HVAC repairman come try and fix our heater. He shocked himself 3 times. Wife has had problems with her Dr office adding stress to her day meaning that she was in a bad mood and let me know it. She spent all afternoon in the bedroom while I dealt with the kids, cooked supper, did the dishes, washed clothes, and did the laundry. We took the kids for a short walk after supper without the dogs because it was already getting dark. I gave the kids baths and they went to bed on time. Wife stayed up late working on schoolwork and I went to sleep alone.
21/11/2
Woke up with ychild in bed. Wife was already up and griping about something. Getting gripped out 1st thing in the morning always starts off the day in a bad mood. Work was uneventful but productive. Got home and cleaned off the kitchen table (of course there wasn't a single square inch of available space on it for the past 1 1/2 weeks) none of the mess was mine it was all wifes/kids projects.I cleaned it so that she would have a space to make cookies with the kids like she promised. Trying to make her day a little easier knowing that had she gone in there with the table like that it would have been bad and also knowing that there were things on the table so I knew that I would get blamed for any misplaced objects. My prediction came through when she came into the kitchen and thanked me for cleaning the table but immediately started griping about missing items and how she had wished she had cleaned it to show she would know where they are. This always happens and is one of the main reasons I cannot declutter our house. It just leads to more gripping. If I clean or don't clean I'm gonna get bitched out. Wife had to head to town quickly to pick up an Rx so we went with her. I had not yet started supper so I put everything up so we could have it the next day and we all went into town together and ate supper in the van. She also got some negative comments on some of her schoolwork so she was in a bad mood x2 because of an incident with her dr's nurse. Wife stayed in the bedroom working on schoolwork while I got the kids dressed in their PJ's and put them to bed about 15 min late. I walked into the bedroom and she was searching for socks for the kids in the laundry hamper. When she was done I took the hamper into the living room and matched them all then put them up. I then played on my computer. Wife went into the kitchen at about 9:45. I went in there about 10 min later and asked her if there was anything I could do for her. She said no then asked me if I saw her come into the kitcher. I said yes and she started gripping that I should have come in there sooner to help her cause she was now almost done. She started complaining that the only time she gets to relax is when she is laying down on her phone in bed (nevermind the number of times i come into the bedroom to find her watching TV or on facebook on her computer.)
I was only on my computer for about 30 min. Its not like I spend all day doing nothing but she makes me feel like I do nothing at all. A common mantra in this house is the wife saying "I never get any help" and "I cannot keep this house clean by myself" when she literally hasn't done any cleaning since her parents visited last month and I still did most of the cleaning. The only time she cleans is when someone is coming over. Needless to say I am feeling very resentful and unloved. We haven't shown any affection to each other since a month ago. Some Days when things are decent (not good just not bad) I wonder if it's a mistake to be considering divorce but days like today are more common and remind me of why I want one. I couldn't sleep due to drinking some tea at supper so I got out of bed and sat on the couch until 1am.
21/11/3
Woke up this morning very tired and sleepy with ychild in bed with me. Wife was already in a mood and I was gripped out for "not listening" she then proceeding to account for 3-4 times recently that I have asked her a question that she had already told me an answer in a previous conversation. So once again I get to start the day in a bad mood. I feel compelled to kiss her and tell her I love her now or she will get upset. I did that then came back inside for something and she got upset when I didn't go back and give another hug/kiss. No way am I gonna do that while being bitched out so I just walked out the door. Great start to the day. Got the kids from school and came home. Cooked supper and took out the trash. Got the kids into bed but ychild talked herself into falling asleep in our bed. Wife said she would move her but of course didn't and ychild slept in our bed all night long.
21/11/4
Woke up with ychild in bed with me. kissed and told her i loved her before work. Had a decent day at work and left to pick up the kids. This was my last day picking the kids up from school and we stopped for ice cream on the way home. We were supposed to walk the dogs before I started supper. I told my wife this but she was on the phone with her mother about her job offer. 25 min later and it was getting close to supper time and she was still on the phone.I decided it was too close to supper to walk and then cook. Wife came out and I told her that. she got upset and we ended up having a small walk. I got back and cooked supper and we all ate at the kitchen table. Wife disappeared back into the bedroom to work on schoolwork. I put the kids to bed on time and then got on my computer. Wife started working on the kids lunches and I asked if there was anything i could do. She said no. Then the bedtime ritual started. This all happened within 20min. I came to bed and turned the lights out. When my wife came back she bitched at me cause she had left one of the lights on on purpose. Then she zinged me for not paying attention when she told me about her medication a few days ago. Then she complained that I had missed a bag of trash in the bedroom. Then she accidentally slammed the bathroom door and got mad when I asked if she did that on purpose. Then she cussed at me when she complained about the bed hurting her back and I suggested a sleep study. Despite all of this I really felt the need to try and cuddle with her. I rolled over and she immediately asked if she needed to turn off her phone. I told her no but she could if she wanted to, then she complained that this is the only time she gets to relax and then immediately jumped up cursing because she forgot to put the clothes from the washer into the dryer. I rolled over and put my mask on to fall asleep. I knew I would get hurt but I couldn't help myself. It took me a while to go to sleep because of the pain in my heart and the lack of love.
21/11/5
I worked from home today so i did not have to wake up as early. Wife woke up and got the kids ready. Wife had a full one sided conversation with ychild in our bed while i was trying to sleep. I feel like she was resentful for me being able to sleep in and her having to get up so she did it as a way to wake me up and keep me from being able to sleep. The kids yelled goodbye and the wife left without so much as a word or touch. I had a decent day at work. The HVAC repair man showed up early.I was going to go and pick up the kids at 11:00 but we decided to just get powerhouse(aftercare) at the school instead also for monday. I could have gone and picked up the kids but didn't because they were already scheduled and I thought we had already paid. Wife got mad at me for that. She was really late because it was her last day of DT and she had people say goodbye to her then went to pick up the kids. We decided to eat at the new seafood place then went and picked up groceries. We got home and put the groceries away and watched some shows on the couch. She got upset because I was on my phone (so was she) and said she watched more of the tv than I did. I tried to get the kids in bed but she overruled me because it was the weekend. The kids stayed up and eventually convinced her to go to bed with her. I slept alone but honestly I think I prefer that now.
21/11/6
Woke up alone. Had a decent day and went to Ychilds 1st birthday invite party. Wife made appointments for both kids to get the flu and covid vaccine. We had a great time at the party and socialized for the 1st time in a long time. We had to leave early to get to the pharmacy for the vaccines. When we got there the pharmacist told us we were scheduled for the flu only. It greatly upset the wife and she flew into a rage. Canceled both appointments. We got back to the car and she was yelling, screaming, and violently hitting her phone on the steering wheel. I told her to be an example to kids and she told me to "kiss her ass." She is angry the whole ride home. She started getting loud with me multiple times and I asked her not to talk to me like that. Apparently, asking her to speak to me politely instead of raising her voice at me is not giving her grace. Saying that I never give her grace when she talks nasty to me. saying that I do it all the time to her and she never says a word. I told her to speak up next time and she says she does and just gets bitched out. I am at my wits end. She is being very nasty to me and then puts the blame on me instead of realizing how she is treating me and accepting blame. A really nice day totally
ruined by her temper. We ended up having cereal for supper and going for custard afterwards. We stayed up late and the kids convinced my wife to go sleep with them.
21/11/7
Woke up by myself again. After wife got up we ended up going to the new donut store for breakfast and we stopped off at walmart on the way home. When we got home I noticed my radiator was leaking.I went to oriellys to buy some stop leak. We got back and I put on jumanji and then beethoven. Ochild really loved jumani. We were having a decent time. Today I did 4 loads of laundry, bathed the dog, cleaned the aquarium, cooked supper, and cleaned the guest bathroom. Of course wife got onto me when I did the kids laundry because i missed 1 shirt and 4 socks out of ychilds room. After supper we played a board game. Then the kids had a bath and I was chastised when I went in there to talk to the kids after my wife was yelling at them. I am not supposed to step in except when I am supposed to of course I have no idea when that is supposed to be. Kids went to bed a little late. I slept by myself.
21/11/8
Woke up by myself. Got up early even though I am working from home to help my wife with kids and take the dog to the vet. Wife started gripping about me not doing anything to help with the kids. I don't understand because she gets them ready at the last minute. That's usually when I am getting together also. She doesn't tell me or let me ask what she needs help with. Just grips after the fact. Dropped the dog off and returned to work. Picked the dog back up and returned to work again. Wife got home late due to her new job onboarding and flu vaccine. We had mcdonalds for supper and the kids went to bed really late. ychild spent the evening with wife because she wasn't feeling well. Since both the kids were up past their bedtime wife went to sleep with them.
21/11/9
Woke up early because I am still stuck on the old schedule. Wife came in and got herself ready for her 1st day. I got up, helped with the kids and got the dogs ready (surgery) then went to work. work was ok. Came home and cooked supper. The evening was uneventful.
21/11/10
Ychild got sick so I worked from home. We were both asleep when wife came into the room. She then had a loud conversation/argument with ochild in the room. waking up ychild and me. If I were to wake them up when they were sleeping in I would get bitched up one side and down the other. Seems like she does it all the time. Took Ychild to the dr and she was covid negative thankfully. Wife came home and the day went ok. She was tired so we watched netflix. I cooked supper and did the dishes. We got the kids in bed a little late. Wife went to bed a little early. I went into the bathroom to get some medicine shortly after. Wife was visibly upset when I came in. I really don't understand why and she wouldn't tell me. Eventually she said that she didn't expect me there. It made me feel really hurt. I felt like she not only didn't want me there but actually got mad that I showed my face. Maybe she thought I was going to lay down with her
but if that was so it would be no reason to get mad, I know she plays on her phone in bed and that's her relaxation time. Either way it was totally uncalled for and if that's how she is going to make me feel I don't see a point in staying together. storm came rolling in and ychild woke up so she had to go sleep with them.
21/11/11
Holiday today so I stayed home. I could hear the wife yelling at the kids trying to get ready. So I got up to help.
21/11/15
Skipped some days because nothing happened. Nothing good or bad. At bedtime my wife was getting lunch ready. She has been a little stressed lately due to her computer HD failing and EDTPA coming back for revisions. Her professor didn't come to her appointment to help. I helped make the kids lunches. The kids' clothes were still sitting in the chair (apparently it's my job.) I offered to help get the kids clothes together. She very sarcastically said she would welcome the help if I could turn on a light so she could see. I know it doesn't sound bad on paper but she was very hateful and hurtful. When I asked her not to talk to me like that she responded that she didn't need a lecture right now. I just want to be spoken to with respect and love not hate and vitriol.
21/11/21
Not journaling everyday because things aren't as bad everyday. Yesterday I did the laundry for the entire house. This morning I got up. my wife had already left for the grocery store to pick up groceries. I got up with Ychild. She got home and we unloaded the groceries. I relaxed in the living room. and she started cleaning the kitchen. I always hate days like this because anytime she cleans I get to hear her bitch and moan and the state of things. I am the only one to clean the house/kitchen for the last 6 months, actually even longer,for as long as she has been in college or working. It is not messy, it's just not up to her standards. Plus most of the mess is hers. She does projects and things but doesn't clean up afterward. When I get in to clean, if I move things around or put up her things I get yelled at. It feels like a handicap because the only one that can truly clean is her and when she doesn clean I feel like crap because she spends the whole time
mouthing and bitching about me because it isn't clean enough to suit her. And if I try to go in and help or clean another part of the house I get bitched at again because "i'm only cleaning because she is upset" she doesn't seem to notice the hours of cleaning I do when she is not around or is concentrating on other things.
21/11/29
We left on the 23rd (my birthday) to go down to Carthage for the weekend. The holiday went well with minimal fussing. Friday the 26 came and my wife surprised me with a weekend getaway sans kids. her family pissed her off right when we left. we get to our BnD and then leave to do some shopping. We went way too long, ate supper,and drove to longview. She had thought that we would just spend the weekend together. I wanted to get physical. I take her to a sex shop and she gets embarrased and refuses to look at anything or consider any toys. Our sexlife is laughable and practically non-existant. You would figure if someone was trying to save their marriage they would at least attempt to spice things up. I got upset and we went back to our cabin. I am tired and we just go to sleep. Wife makes us take a bath in the morning. We wash each other, then when we get out she changes into a negligee. She tells me I am not allowed to do any oral on her and that it will be the last time I see her in a G string. Totally sexy right? I had put some nice smelling lotion on my privates and she made a comment about how that would taste ( thinking I might get some oral) but instead she just led me to the bed and got on top. She has sex with me and I find it difficult to finish becuase she is clearly not enjoying it and refused to do any foreplay. We leave for the day and walk around Jefferson. Get back and start drinking wine and painting. She gets drunk enough to make a move and changes into another negligee. I feel like I almost forced her to let me eat her out after I gave her oral. She says I am not allowed to kiss her. we eventually start having some decent sex but she cannot stand much of the physical aspect and eventually it just shift to the standard missionary. I cannot finish and she gets up. I tell her i'll finish myself off if she will help. She starts cleaning and doesn't care when I get upset. We eventually have a small heart to heart where she tells me she is resentful
for the way my parents treated her and I was very pacifist instead of confrontational with my parents. She tells me she watches squirting videos and masturbates in the bath (lied to me when she says she doesnt masterbate.) She clearly has very strong issues with sexual intimacy and refused to do anything I wanted. She thought it was a successful weekend and I'm thinking it just shows how far apart we are and how little in common we have. multiple times just both of us on our phones because we have nothing to talk about. We go back and pick up the kids and it takes forever to get home. When we do I find the dog with something sticking out of her chest.
I am trying to work on her when my daughter comes out there and the dog jumps up and runs to her. She starts freaking out and i try and get ychild to come to me, unfortunately i did yell because i was scared of her getting stabbed by the dog. Of course she freezes up screaming as the dog is trying to get to her. I end up having to go to her and pick her up. As I am trying to take her to the garage I fall and bust my knee. This starts a big fight because I am now hurt, angry, and yelling while also trying to find out what's wrong with the dog. Eventually I discovered that the dog had forced herself inside the metal loop of a small childs butterfly net. I end up cutting it off her with some wire cutters. My knee is now busted and my wife and I have been fighting because she feels like when I am angry and hurt is the best time to keep getting in my face and talking shit about me. Just makes me want to seek a divorce all the more. She thinks this weekend was a success and all I can see is the end. I was angry when I went back out to her van and hit the open door button too hard and dented it. No real excuse but I wish she didn't pile on my problems by yelling at me in front of the kids while I'm trying to discipline them. I wasn't abusing them or being physical in any way but my wife will not allow for any dissent from the way she wants to raise the kids. I feel like I am not a father. I am allowed no say in raising them. The kids can just yell/scream/cry and my wife will come to the rescue, preventing me from actually doing any good or teaching them to understand right/wrong. It's her way or the highway.
Dec 2021

TW: ABUSE/NEGLECT All 3 of her kids had inpentigo up until they were able to get their own baths. The 3rd is still a baby. He's just over a year old. He now has a staph infection and is being hospitalized. SIL leaves baby and 2 other kids (9m and 12m) at home alone while she works. 12 year old has become the parent essentially. Even when she is home she makes the 12 year old do everything. Doesn't feed the baby or change him. Yells at 12 year old if he forgets to do it. 12 year old is in charge of bathing the baby. Both kids mix the formula. DCF and CPS have been called countless times. They've done nothing. When 12 year old was still a baby, he was removed for only a short period of time but they were physically abusing him. MIL had custody for a while. When 12 year old and 9 year old were born, SIL wanted nothing to do with them. MIL took care of them until SIL decided she felt like being a parent. This pisses me off. The baby is going to die if something doesn't change. Cuz I know SIL will do nothing to help him. Edit: Location is AL, USA.

I am a middle school teacher. Very long story short, we get 6 days total of PTO and thats it. I almost cut off all my toes by tripping on broken tile when I was 8 months pregnant. I was in the hospital, had to be out of work for 2 weeks, and then after that 2 weeks I went into labor 1 month earlier than expected so my maternity leave started early. It would have ended on May 10. They found someone with a masters degree to replace me and told me on May 9th I was terminated. I got offered a transfer opportunity to another school, but teaching makes me miserable and I barely had enough time or money for myself- get alone for me and my child. My husband makes enough to support the family, though we’d have to cut back. I am interviewing with some part time ESOL jobs (I used to do this in college) that will allow me to work from 4-10 when my husband is home. I want to tell him I do not want to go back to work full time until the baby is older, but I don’t know how. The baby and I are extremely attached and I know he’s only going to be this young once. How do I start this conversation? I’ve always been so independent and paid for half of everything, but I cannot even think about leaving my child without tearing up

10/1/22
I had to work on the weekend today. Left at 6:30 and got home at 1:30. I stopped off to get a salad for lunch and got home and ate it. Considering I worked all day I sat down and watched tv for 20 min. My wife was cleaning after I got home. I then got up to put up the laundry the wife had left in the chair for the last 2 weeks since the last time I put up the laundry. she then started yelling at me that the only time i help is when she is mad. Honestly I couldn't even tell she was mad because she has been in the same mood for a month already and I couldn't tell the difference. She has been in the mood for the past 4-5 years anyway i've just gotten used to it.
10/2/22
OC wanted to stay home from church on today and then yc did too. I kept them all day and took them to the park at 3:30pm while wife was still at her school working. She found out they went to the park after i told oc to tell her about petting a hamster at the park. She got very angry that i didn't tell her we left the house to go to the park.
10/3/22
Making my life miserable hasn't stopped. We no longer say I love you and no longer say goodnight. I have caught her yelling at the kids multiple times at night,but of course I'm the problem not her. Today I had to work and my wife was taking the kids to the state fair. I unfortunately left my work uniform at home and had to come home to change and take a shower after working out. The wife was still home and gave me a pissed off go to hell look when she opened the door. I got home at the usual time and texted her to tell me when she left so I could have supper ready when they get here so we could be in time for the scouts. She texted back that she would barely have time to get to scouts much less come home and eat supper first. I then texted her ok just swing by and pick me up so we don't waste gas. She left late and told me that she wouldn't have time. This woman controls every aspect of her time when on trips. She could have left early enough for some family time before scouts. I feel like she is trying to alienate me from my kids already. I can tell this is going to be a rough divorce. She went to bed early
and never said goodnight. I can't count the number of times she has gotten mad at me for going to be without telling her goodnight much less I love you. We rarely say love anymore and I never hear a kind word out of her mouth.
10/6/22
This morning as usual I was getting the kids dressed as I usually do. I usually just start dressing them while they are waking up and they usually do fine. OC i do not dress because he is older and will do it himself after he completely wakes up but he is also difficult to wake up. Yc does not do anything herself and she is the one I dress while waking up. She is usually chipper and happy afterwards. Wife came into the room and started berating me for not working with the kids to wake them up. They will not wake up this way with me. So I leave the room after essentially being told I don't know how to parent my kids. The kids were not crying or hurt in any way until the wife came into the room and yc instantly started crying. After they woke up I could not find my daughters shoes. I searched the house including the kids' bedrooms. I tell my wife who then as usual starts to berate me and then goes and looks for them. After a few minutes she finds them in the Oc room hidden beneath a pile of toys that they had made the previous night. Oc room is absolutely disgusting and piles of toys and blankets everywhere. How was I supposed to know to look under that specific pile? it would take a long time to sift through all of his crap. Wife then goes on a tangent about not getting any help cleaning the house, completely ignoring the number of times i have cleaned the house and his room and them messing it up within days of it being cleaned and her not helping to enforce them cleaning their own rooms. I go back to my yc because i usually brush her hair in the morning. She didn't want me to brush her hair and I told her mommy is busy and is already mad so please let me do it. She started crying and my wife instantly started asking what I did to her. Wife instead of telling yc to go back to me to brush her hair, told her to gather her brush and spray and she would do it after they got to school.
I just need her to back me up and stop instantly giving in to the kids every single time they start to get upset. I am afraid the precedent is already set and cannot be overcome easily and will never be overcome so long as she doesnt make it a team effort. It's just making both of our lives more difficult but she doesn't have a backbone when it comes to the kids.
10/21/22
Wife asked me to pay the gas card today so she could fill up. I messed up and had to reset the password. I updated the password on our google sheet and then texted her that i paid it, had to reset the password, and saved it on the google sheet drive. She came home and started to gripe at me for resetting the password and said that I probably didn't remember the password. I told her I saved it on the google sheet and she said that I should have told her that. When I said I did she got mad at me and told me that I didn't. I then reread the text that I sent her about it and she got even more upset because she had an excuse because she was busy. Then she started to tell me that I never believe her when she says that I didn't tell her things and only occasionally have proof that I am right. That statement makes no sense. If I have proof that something she accused me of is wrong, why am I supposed to believe her the other times when she was wrong this time? I feel like I am being gaslighted.
10/22/22
Wife had a state exam today. She has been really busy and studying for it for a month or so. She asked me to change the guinea pigs blanket and food. I agreed and did as she asked. Afterwards she got home and talked to ychild about the guinea pigs. The ychild told her about changing the pigs habitat i overheard her talking to ychild about how I don't take of them very often.
I didn't even want the guinea pigs. We are supposed to be saving up for ychild surgery and then she went and bought the guinea pigs because the ochild threw a fit about them. We spent over $100 on them on a whim essentially. When I was given an aquarium for free, I was told that I could only have it if I cared for it, that she would not do anything to help the fish/aquarium.
I feel like the same should hold true here. She/kids wanted them so they should have to take care of them but now i am being shamed to my ychild by my own wife because she has to take care of them.
10/24/22
Got woken up by my wife this morning because my alarm didn't go off (i forgot to turn it back on after turning it off on friday.) She started griping that now she had to get the kids ready then go and finish her things. I told her not to worry that I would get the kids dressed 1st before I took care of myself. She then angrily told me to just go to the bathroom and get ready, she would
deal with the kids, so I did. We found my ochild overdue library books in the floorboard of my car's backseat (must have fallen out of his backpack) the previous thursday. After we found them I put them in his backpack and later discovered they had taken them out and were leaving them strange places. I did this several times before I put them on top of the bookshelf so they don't get lost. This morning after the alarm fisco wife started griping at me because I didn't put the books in ochilds backpack. I started to explain where i put them and why i had done that. She didnt care she said it was stupid and for me to get off my high horse. I keep feeling there is no winning in this relationship, there is only pain. I decided to reread some of the early journal entries today and noticed some things and figured I would put them here. I am no longer stating where my wife sleeps and when I wake up alone because for almost a year I have slept in my bed alone and woken up alone. I am no longer stating what housework i do mostly because I always cook, do the dishes, and laundry.
10/30/22
Today is Halloween trunk or treats we will be going too. I have done 3 loads of laundry and put up the kids clothes that my wife has left on the chair and then moved to the bed that has sat unfolded for 2 weeks. I cooked supper last night,did the dishes today, and then mowed the lawn and pulled the weeds in the front and back yards.Afterwards i came inside and wife started griping at me because she assumes i wanted to take a shower after all the things I did and we only had 20 minutes before we left for the events. I decided to just change clothes and throw on some cologne. I sprayed one spritz and next time my wife came into the room she said I must have sprayed myself directly, she makes fun of me when I spray it in the air and walk through, and said she could smell me down the hall. She then started complaining about how she didnt even think about putting perfume on but now she couldn't because we would clash. I don't think she has ever complimented my cologne but she sure does like to complain about it. When we get to the church we had a decent time then came time to clean the pumpkins. Afterwards we went to clean our hands. We had left our buckets so i went back to get them while my wife and ychild went to wash up. Me and Ychild washed our hands as well. Afterwards we waiting outside the bathrooms to find them. I get a text asking if we were coming to get the pumpkins. They had gotten out before us,my wife was mad that I didnt come to the pumpkins instead of waiting outside the bathrooms. She started to gripe at me in public and I got upset with her, i didnt say anything but she knew i was upset from the look I gave her.
10/31/2022
Halloween night. Got home and discussed where to go for trick or treating. After getting in the car my wife almost instantly started getting on me about money, almost accusing me of hoarding money. I explained to her about keeping some money in case of an emergency but that just made her worse. I don't know what to do. I don't understand how we can be making this much money but have nothing to show for it. Last year around this time we were living solo off of my paycheck. She has been making 2k a month and then recently 3.5k a month net. She now brings home more money than I do and yet every check she demands my entire paycheck. How can 6.5k a month net us almost nothing in return. Something is wrong and I don't know what it is.
Nov 2022

11/1/2022
After being accused of squirreling away money last night, today I took out $400 out of my checking account and deposited it in our joint account. I also changed my direct deposit to put $100 into my account and the balance into our joint account. This left me with $60 to my sole name. I told my wife what I did. When she got home she didn't say anything. I had already cooked supper (in the oven) by the time they made it inside. When ochild asked what we were having and I told him (made from scratch chicken pot pie) he said he didn't like it and my wife said to him “I feel your pain.” It hurt. I cannot help but think what would have been had I said something similar to what she cooked (if she ever cooks again.) Children fell asleep shortly after supper. Wife spent the evening on her computer and phone (tik tok) while I did 2 loads of laundry right in front of her. She eventually left to go take a bath. It really doesn't feel very good to be completely unappreciated.
11/5/2022
Today we decided to clean the house.My wife spent literally the entire day cleaning ochilds room and didn't even finish because we went and unexpectedly visited my cousin. In the same amount of time. I cleaned the living room including the walls and vacuumed, swept and mopped the kitchen, hallways, doorway,and bathroom. Cleaned the bathroom and toilet, cleaned the washedryer area (absolutely disgusting) and cooked supper. While doing all of this my wife said something along the lines of it takes her so long because she deep cleans, implying I only superficially clean. I would rather have a superficially clean looking house than an obviously trashy, cluttered, disgusting house because she never has time to deep clean. I tried to put the kids to bed at 10:30 and they fought and argued. I eventually got them down but my wife was saying that they are allowed to stay up late on the weekends. Ridiculous that 10:30 is too early to put the kids to bed on a weekend.
11/6/2022
I woke up this morning after the time change and thought we were already late for church so I decided to make banana bread. Turns out I forgot about the time change and I had to stay home to make sure it didn't burn. After my wife got back home we decided to continue cleaning the house. My wife once again spent the rest of the day cleaning ochilds room. While I did the dishes and then completely cleaned the fronts of all the cabinets (disgusting caked on things) and cleaned inside out the fridge. I also did 4 loads of laundry later in front of the kids watching a movie and my wife while she was working on her computer. Wife actually said thank you for helping. Wasn't wanting a thank you. I just want her to stop saying I never help.
11/7/2022
After all the cleaning this weekend I woke up to a busy wife. She eventually got upset because I did the dishes but didn't wash her coffee cup that was sitting in the middle of the cluttered table where she put it and not in the sink. After work we ate at Sonic on the way to scouts. I made the kids go to bed at a decent hour but they refused to stay in bed. I eventually went to bed a little early and heard the kids bother their mother. I have no authority to make them go to bed because I cannot overrule their mommy like she can me.
11/8/2022
I tried to wake the kids up. I was not mean. Ochild kept crying that he wanted his mom to come wake him up. I told him she was busy but he insisted. She came in while i was dressing ychild. She got hm dressed and he went back to sleep while I brushed ychilds teeth and combed her hair. I caught ochild back in bed and told him to go brush his teeth. He got mad and started stomping his feet and slamming doors on his way to the bathroom. My wife,as usual,asked me what I had done. She just assumes that I piss off the kids on purpose, not that their lack of discipline is responsible for their poor behavior when I have done nothing wrong.
11/10/2022
Day started off not too terrible. My wife and kids came home a little late because they stopped at Walmart on the way home. The kids came in carrying sonic ice cream and “I mentioned oh nothing for me?” Wife looked annoyed that I said that and I said I was surprised she did that right before supper because now they aren't going to be hungry. We had leftovers a little while later when ychild said she was hungry, so I let her choose what dish she wanted to eat. She chose chicken enchilada casserole. I made it for her and let her sit on the couch while I made mine. When I came into the living room she was sitting next to my wife with the bowl on the couch and her phone on her lap. We have a rule that the bowl must be in her lap to reduce messiness because she is inattentive. I made her put her phone next to her and eat her food from the bowl in her lap. She started crying (I wasn't being mean) and I could tell my wife was getting annoyed because I made her cry (she hears crying all day long and doesn't want to hear it when she gets home.) She continued to cry and the wife went to the bathroom. I kept trying to convince her to eat and she was being difficult and wouldn't talk to me barely. I discovered that she didn't want to eat the green chiles so I moved them to the side of the bowl so she could eat the rest. She started screaming that she wanted mommy to do it. I told her mommy was in the bathroom and asked her again why she didn't want to eat. I eventually told her that if she didn't eat I was going to clean off a section of the table and she would eat in the kitchen with me. She still wouldn't stop crying or eat and I took her to the kitchen. The wife eventually came out of the bathroom and asked what all the commotion was and why was I getting on to ychild. When she saw her mother come into the kitchen she fell backwards out of the chair and hit the floor. The wife started berating me that ychild would not eat so long as she is crying and kept talking down to me about trying to take care of the situation. She said I shouldn’t have kept talking to her and just let her cry. Once again she has countermanded me in front of the children. I believe this is why ychild started crying so that mommy would get onto daddy and she would her her way. I eventually left the room because I couldn't stand her about me like that. Eventually they make it back into the living room. A few minutes later I noticed the dog was eating the food leftover from her bowl. I asked how she ate and my wife answered more than half and was upset that I asked. About 30 minutes later ychild said she was hungry again and my wife made her spaghettios. I dont think this is a good lesson to teach ychild. That she can just cry to get her way and then later eat whatever she wants.
11/11/2022
Today is veterans day and I had the day off work. I woke up to help get the kids ready. My wife said she was surprised I was up. I felt I had to because in the past she would always complain if on a day off I slept in. I heard her complain that her clothes were always put in a pile and were wrinkled. I stopped putting up her laundry a long time ago. I am still the only one that puts up laundry 9 out of 10 times. This is just proof of the pudding that she doesn't even put up her own laundry let alone help out with the household laundry. This is after watching me put up 4 loads of laundry in front of her the previous weekend. After she got home from work she asked me what I had done all day. This is something she used to do all the time when she worked a 9-5 job and I worked 4-10s having an extra day off a week. She used to demand that I spent my extra day cleaning the house and doing chores. This is despite the fact that we both still worked 40 hours a week, mine was just convenient in that I had more consecutive time off. She used to always say that if she had that much time off the house would be spotless. Then when she got layed off or got the summer off once she became a teacher nothing would be done, much less housework.
11/12/22
My wife spent all morning taking a test for school and then went and spent the day volunteering for a local church woman to sit with her while her husband was gone due to her just having had given birth. I had the kids all day to myself with minimal fussing and did the dishes and cooked supper. They started to fuss once she came back home. yChild began to uncontrollably cry and scream over some issue after I went to bed. I have learned from experience not to try and parent at night when my wife is in control from the number of times I've been snapped at that she is taking care of it, so I stayed in bed. She ended up calling her sister to deal with her and I heard her ask where I was and my wife gave her a sarcastic response about me being in bed. She later got the kids in bed with much fussing and came home back into the bedroom to change and bitched me out for not coming in there to help. It's another case of damned if you do and damned if you don't.
11/13
My wife spent the morning again taking a test. I got the kids up and dressed and fed. She then came home from the test, ate lunch, and headed back to her school at around 11:30. Ychild wanted to go with her. I spent all day with my son watching our favorite anime. It was a fun day. I also did 3 loads of laundry and cooked supper for us. My wife and ychild did not get home till 11:00 pm and ychild has surgery tomorrow.
11/14
Ychild’s surgery went well. No issues other than a lethargic child.
11/15
ychild refuses to take her pain medicine from the surgery. My wife suggested she take the medicine with her and get her to take it while waiting for school to start. ychild ended up staying in my wifes classroom all day sleeping and developed a rash where the tube was put in. I stayed a little later than I normally would and got home around 4:45. My wife was already home and I walked into the kitchen and saw that the dishes were done. I had told my wife I would do them later today. I talked to her and asked her how long she had been home to already have done the dishes cause she usually gets home after 5. She told me it only took 15 minutes to do the dishes and she didn't understand why it takes me hours(it doesn't take me that long.). I then realized that what I thought was a nice gesture was just another way for her to put me down. Later she started telling me about ychild’s day and started to talk about how she should have stayed home. She started to berate me for not taking the day off and staying with her. I told her we had talked about it but had decided to try for school anyway. I guess I am supposed to overrule her, that will never happen, or volunteer to stay instead of having a healthy discussion and decision, she just blames me for everything that ends up not going the way she decides.
11/16/22
I worked from home today to stay with ychild.
11/23/22
It's my birthday today. Heard from some family and friends. Arrived at inlaws house for Thanksgiving. I decided to, without being asked, help trim trees and clean up the pasture. Mil and fil praised me in front of my wife, that wasn't my intention.
11/24/22
Thanksgiving day. My wife has made several comments today about me sitting around not doing anything. It has rained the whole day and there is literally nothing for me to do. We were watching McClintock today. It came to the end where John Wayne spanked his wife and my wife asked if they really did that back then. I commented probably not they most likely did a lot worse, she made a comment about being sure because I lived back then. Once again I forgot to just keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself.
11/26/22
It's official. One year without sex. Today we drive back home from the in-laws. Today has been a constant barrage of bs from my wife. Fortunately my in-laws heard some of it. My SIL told me she was sorry.
Next Entry Dec 2022

12/3/22
Tonight was grocery night. My wife started in on me with the kids in the car about all the problems in our marriage. She says I blame her for the last year, that I no longer look at or tough her. Which is strange since she told me she is resentful of me and I remind her of her grandfather. Why would I initiate with someone who doesnt show me they love me or have any desire for me. I tried but I no longer love her and I don't desire her any longer. She commented on my weight loss, asking her how much more I wanted to lose, I told her another 20 pounds maybe. Then she said that I would look sick if I lost that much weight. She asked if there were any particular reason I wanted to lose weight. She also stated that I must despise her because she has no desire to lose weight. Then stated she had recently lost 13 pounds. She started to complain that I only talked about my boss, which is true because she is really the only person I speak to at work, besides Byron, but he is new. She doesn't seem to understand how isolated I am at work. She then started in on me about not helping around the house, which is funny because she has commented many times on how much I do, yet she always seems to forget it within a week or 2. She kept telling me how I never speak to her and I told her I cant because if I do I will just get in trouble because of my memory, then she proved me right by bitching at me because I ask questions about things she has told me. She also threw out a lot of excuses because she has been stressed and busy with college. She then asked if we could start over and I said yes. Why can't she ever start this shit when we are without the kids.
12/4/22
Today we went to church, then got some Little Caesars pizza. After lunch my wife went to the school to do some things. It is 9:00 pm as I write this and she has been gone for 8 hours. I bathed the kids, did the dishes, cooked the kids supper, and I did my laundry and put up 4 loads of laundry, 2 of which she had done but as usual she will not put up. I put up the childrens clothes from their luggage from Thanksgiving, one week later. I put up all the laundry except for my wifes. She still has clothes lying in the chair from over a month ago, and clothes lying in 2 piles on the bedroom floor that have been there for 3 months. I did some digging and found a conversation between my wife and MIL and SIL. My wife swept the hallway in Oct, the 1st time in a very long time, and posted the picture to a facebook messenger group the 3 of them are on. As usual MIL chimed in with why don't I help. My wife said because that would interfere with sitting on my but and playing video games. MIL then said its ridiculous because my wife works twice as hard as I do and I should help. My wife is lying to her MIL and either lying to herself or actually believes I don't do anything. She will find out eventually how much I do and dont do when she actually has to do all this shit herself. Also, I spent an hour or 2 outside trimming the trees away from the house, dead limbs, And then stacking them for bulk pickup. My wife just got home, I have the kids in bed and she gets mad because she now has to clean her desk because I am working from home tomorrow and she doesn't want me to touch her things. She then raised her voice at the state of the house because she is the only one that actually sees it, only one that cleans it, and the only one that doesn't have time to clean it. I haven't spent more than an hour today not working and she just belittled everything I did today.
12/7/22
Today didn't start out great. I am working from home today due to meetings and a dr appointment. I told my wife earlier in the week but she forgot and was upset that I didn't tell her. I had my dr appointment and then my meeting I couldn't miss. Afterwards, I started on dishes and supper. Wife and kids came home while I was doing that and the only person to come greet me was my ychild. My wife never came to say hello or see what I was doing, she didn't say thank you for cooking supper or what a great meal it was. In fact one of the first things she said to me was after I couldn't find the bbq sauce. She came into the kitchen, looked in the back at the top of the fridge and found it. I asked her where it was and she just looked at me and said somewhere I would have never found it. It was so dejecting and spiteful. After supper I finished the dishes and took out the trash while they were gone for church. Speaking of trash, every week i pick up the trash from my ochilds room. The vast majority of the trash is fast food drinks that my wife left on the side table when she sleeps there every night.
12/17/22
We have inlaws coming in for Christmas later this week. We had to pick-up groceries today and we are meeting up with SIL and BIL to look at Christmas lights, so I didn't have much time today to prepare. While my wife was gone to shop with her church friends I cleaned off the back porch and swept the front yard into a large pile for the kids to play in. I worked late doing so and barely managed to finish before she got back home before we left for the SIl’s. We were gone late and got back around midnight.
12/18/22
Had church this morning and ate lunch in town while running errands. After we got back my wife spent the rest of the day picking up and cleaning ychilds room. She ended up throwing away 3 garbage bags full of clothes and 5 large toys that were destroyed. While she was doing this I picked up the living room, did laundry, and put up 5 loads of laundry. Once again I refused to put up her laundry so instead I just moved it from there where it has been folded on the chairs since I folded then and put them there 4 months ago. I put them in her computer chair. Now she has those clothes plus the clothes in the laundry baskets on the bedroom floor that have been there for 8 months in a pile unfolded. I heard her enter the bedroom and make a comment about being happy that the chairs were clear until she realized I hadn't actually put up her laundry and just moved them. I then cooked supper but had to put up some groceries that she had gotten earlier and placed on the stove.
12/19/22
I woke up this morning to a question from my wife about a bag of treats that she said I put up from the kitchen table. I told her I hadn't seen them. She told me I shouldn't have put up the groceries the previous night and how I didn't put anything up from the table, just the groceries that were on the stove. She began to say she misspoke and meant the stove. She got angry and started to mock my answers. She was still angry and we got ready to leave for work. She started to walk past me out the door and I made kissy noises for a goodbye kiss. She got mad at me for that. We left for work and I got back in time to thaw something for supper. Around 5:50 she called me to tell me she was on the way home, which I thought was a little late but she had to stop at the store. I cooked sloppy joes for supper and the kids ate well. After supper I played a little bit on the computer with my ochild. I heard her looking for the kids special Christmas PJ’s for polar express day the next day at school. She was frantically looking for them and getting angry at me because I did the laundry last (haha like she has done it in a while) and didn't know where they were. I heard her in my ochilds room digging through his closet. I heard her ask him where they were and he said he didn't know daddy did the laundry last. She then said she knows “that's why shit gets lost.” It was very hurtful, disrespectful, and derogatory to say something like that, especially in front of my child and have him participate in the conversation. I helped look for them and found them under my ochilds pillows on his bed. There was no apology or any thankfulness when I found them. Later after I got the kids to bed my wife came and sat on her side of the couch using her phone and laptop. She muttered something about ‘that sounds about right.” I asked if she was talking to me and before I could finish “or was she talking to herself about a text” she answered me with a very angry look on her face and a very hurtful tone that “not everything is about you.” I was obviously very hurt by this so I got up to fill up on water and went to bed. She started to tell me it was a text from her mom about her dad but stopped talking when I was checking locks. She got irritated and refused to elaborate. I went to bed and refused to kiss her or tell her goodnight. This was not a very good day.
12/24/22
Christmas Eve. Wife and MIl went to town today for many hours, leaving me and my FIL home alone. I asked if he would be interested in 1883 since he had heard of it from one of his hands. He said yes and we started watching it. We were probably on episode 5-6 when they returned. I had checked several time if he wanted to keep watching it and he said yes. Wife and MIL returned around episode 6-7. SIL and BIl some over at about episode 7-8 and SIL asked him if he liked it. I didn't hear him but I was told he said it was fine, had a lot of action but sometimes felt like watching paint dry. After several more times of asking if he was ok watching the show he replied we went this far might as well watch it. MIL made several biting comments about wanting to watch something else. I find this funny because she never complains when he controls the TV at his house unless it is behind his back. She doesn't have the same limitations with me. I respected his wishes and continued to the end. After the show ended MIL cornered me in the hallway berating me for watching that show and trapping him all day watching it, saying that he didn't want to watch that show. I returned to the living room and asked him if he liked the show or was bothered by finishing the season. He said no and asked me why I asked. I said I just wanted to make sure.
12/25/22
Christmas day. After yesterday I was eager to finish this weekend but I am glad the kids had such a good time.
12/27/22
Today I had my 1st meeting with my new therapist. We went over some reasons why I was seeking a divorce and what/when to tell the kids. He did encourage me to speak to my wife about separating rather than filing prior like my lawyer suggested.
12/29/22
Tonight my wife confronted me about the use of towels to clean myself off after taking care of myself when I sleep alone. She mentioned how we hadn't had sex in 13 months. Which is hard to do when you are never alone together. I mentioned this and she talked about one time we had 4 days sleeping alone together when we took the kids to the inlaws a few months ago. I told her she didn't try anything either and I was tired of asking after being rejected for the past 7 years. We argued some more and eventually she got angry and started to leave. I then suggested that maybe we should discuss separating. She returned and asked me if that is what I wanted. I said yes and she got very angry and started yelling at me. She eventually left and went to sit on the couch for about 30 min. She eventually returned and we had a heart to heart. I told her all of the things that I was resentful about and she argued with me on every point. She seemed incredulous about splitting custody with the kids. Exclaiming how I wouldn't be able to afford living alone while paying child support. I asked for 50/50 saying did she just want me to become a weekend dad and she was upset at having to switch the kids every week. Eventually the kids woke up and came into the bedroom. She started talking in terms that my son could understand saying that everything is going to change and not for the good. My son can be very emotional and he started to cry. We couldn't get the kids to bed and eventually she lost it and started hitting herself in the head with a brush and then went to the bedroom door and started shaking it violently and I am not sure if she hit herself in the head with it. She left the room and I layed down with the kids to calm them. She eventually returned and we spoke amicably and she asked me to give us a chance and attend couples counseling. I agreed and she went to lay down with the kids.
I am so thankful I recorded it.
12/30/22
Today my wife spent the day with her sister and our kids at the zoo. She didn't get back until almost midnight and we didn't get a chance to talk. She went to sleep with the kids.
12/31/22
This morning my wife and I had a discussion. She admitted to almost everything that I said to her the other night. Saying that she was sorry and that she is going to try and not yell at me anymore or criticize me when I do the housework and it is not up to her standards. I am still skeptical but I am willing to see how things go.
Next Entry Jan 2023

Where are my teens & kids who spent the summers on the run with Luke & Laura?
Some of you may have seen recently that Jackie Zeman (Bobbie Spencer) passed away earlier this month at the age of 70. She played the role of GH RN, former hooker with a heart of gold, land lady, and Luke's baby sister for 45 years. She had been a near constant in my life, so her loss sent me to YouTube in search of old GH clips and episodes.
TLDR: I watched a lot of old GH.
I found a goldmine in youtuber Sussezq who has playlists beginning when Bobbie calls her brother Luke Spencer to Port Charles to help break up Laura Webber and Scott Baldwin (1979), Laura's marriage to Scott and Luke's rape of Laura at the Campus Disco and then their summer on the run hiding from mobsters (1980), and their Ice Princess caper with Robert Scorpio and their Nov wedding with 30 million viewers (1981).
I was 9-11 during the Luke and Laura heyday. Some things I didn't remember, didn't get at the time, or just didn't get to see due to school and not having a VCR until 1984. I've watched from Luke & Laura's first meeting to their honeymoon, and here are my Gen-Xey thoughts:
The Good

• The writing is much better than you think it's going to be. Gloria Monty was the showrunner at the time, and she turned a failing hospital daytime drama into the biggest daytime soap on the planet.
• Tony Geary (Luke) was just absolutely incredible as Luke Spencer. Smart, witty, and quick with ad-libs, he was also the little black dress of the show and had chemistry with everyone. He pulled better performances out of so-so actors, generously propped up lackluster actors, and allowed good actors to shine. He took Genie Francis under his wing and elevated her performance.
• Found Family is a more modern concept in media but soap operas have been creating families via long-lost children, paternity confusion, friends, step-parents, etc for decades. Luke has a less "traditionally" familial structure than Laura: his mother died due lack of health care, and his father abandoned them. Luke and his sister Bobbie grew up on the streets, with occasional help from his Aunt Ruby who then a brothel madam. By the time Luke has been back in Port Charles for a few months, Tony (Luke), Jackie (Bobbie), and Norma (Ruby) have built chemistry and loyalty into a "us against the world" bond that is impressive now, much less in the early 80s. Laura's family, while more traditional in structure, is also new: Laura was switched at birth and doesn't find out Dr. Leslie Webber is her birth mom until she's a teen. Leslie is married to Dr. Rick Webber, who is not Laura's bio father, and Laura has been raised with her sister Amy who is actually her sister via adoption. By 1980 you'd never know Rick and Leslie didn't raise Laura.
• The adventures are fun, cheesy, and fairly fast paced for a soap opera.
• The show often manages to tie Luke & Laura's adventures back to the hospital, or at least its doctors and nurses.
• The Campus Disco is both hilarious (why is it a college campus disco???) and amazing. The music is a weird muzak version of "Call Me" and "Ring My Bell," though.
• The fashions are glorious. I hated 70s fashions in the 80s, but they're incredibly forward now, seeing them as an adult. Luke often wears an amazing pair of pink Guess Jeans that I would kill for.
• Brian and Claudia are a hot, smart Black couple who are getting college degrees when we meet them, and they're both great friends to Laura and Scott (and later Luke). There's no racist subtext in their speech, clothing, jobs, and relationship. (But see me in the Bad Section later.)
• Richard Simmons (as himself) gives exercise classes as part of his Live-It (as opposed to diet) program. He's also -- and this amazing -- one of Luke's groomsmen for his failed wedding to Jennifer Smith! He shows up again to welcome Luke and Laura home after the Frank Smith / Left Handed Boy adventure, and then he just sort of fades away.
• Two henchmen chase after Luke and Laura during their summer on the run. "Hutch" Hutchinson is blond, gorgeous, and, like Tony Geary, appears to think he's acting on bigger show than he's on. His chemistry with Luke and Laura is amazing, and the three of them become great friends (this friendship triangle will later be replicated with Robert Scorpio). Sally Armitage, a bar owner in upstate New York for whom Hutch, Laura, and Luke work, turns out not only to be one of Frank Smith's hired guns, but also a man named Max Hedges in drag as Sally. I have so many questions! It's never explained why Max is Sally. It doesn't appear that he's trans (or transsexual as it was called then) and actually living as a woman, because we seem him as Max and he often uses his "Max voice" to talk to Frank Smith. Is he in drag to better disguise himself and make Luke & Laura more trusting of him? Or is the character merely a transvestite who just enjoys dressing as a woman at times? I DON'T KNOW! But it's fascinating, and treated with astounding respect in 1980 (despite Sally being a bad guy).
• The Ice Princess freezing plot is straight out of James Bond, but there are layers to it -- the discussions of the haves and have nots are especially poignant when Luke recounts his and and Bobbie's childhoods.
• The wedding of the century was phenomenal. I hated the bridesmaid dresses at the time (I still don't like mauve or hats), the antique cars and the outdoors setting, and all of the country decor from Luke and Laura's time hiding out on Whittaker's Farm is lovely, with a with a plotluck meal from the residents of Port Charles (including caviar and Oysters Rockefeller from the Quartermaines).
• Robert Xavier Scorpio. Hot dude, great accent, great actor, stellar chemistry with Luke.
• Rick Springfield is freaking fine as Dr. Noah Drake. Just as fine as I remember from 1981 when I bought "Working Class Dog."

The Bad

• It's not even going to start with the rape. Shocker, I know. Rick and Leslie Webber and Gail and Lee Baldwin were okay with Laura at 17 marrying Scotty who had to be at least 23 (he was in law school). I grew up in a rural town in Oklahoma. It was extremely typical for girls to get married right out of high school where and when I grew up, and often to slightly older men in their 20s who were "settled." But those were poor people who had been raised to believe they had very few educational opportunities. Laura is the child of two MDs. Worse, Genie Francis actually was 17 and some of the things she went through were so not okay.
• Laura gets a job serving alcohol at the Disco when was 17. The drinking age in New York was 18 in 1979, so that was probably legal. Just weird if you're me.
• Laura is incredibly infantilized by Scott and her parents. It's kinda gross.
• The rape. It's so much worse than you remember. Luke comes to town to break up Laura and Scott (for Bobbie), fails, and then falls for high school senior Laura (they don't ever give Luke's actual age, but I think it's supposed to be around 25; Tony Geary was actually 32 in 1979). He even takes pictures of her in her cheerleading uniform (which Luke cops to still having a year later). When she is almost 18 and married to Scott, Luke pulls her onto the dance floor at the Campus Disco after hours and forces her to dance to Herb Alpert's "Rise." He kisses her despite her protests, and then drags her to the floor and rapes her while she is saying, "No." There's no ambiguity. Even a "what about" guy would struggle because Laura is 17, Luke's employee, and shell-fucking-shocked when it's over. She escapes to the park and later reports the rape, but doesn't reveal she knew her attacker. She accuses Luke of the rape to his face, and he doesn't deny it. Despite the fact that he is torn up about it, he raped her. She still keeps working at the disco, and she doesn't tell Scott, and she displays PTSD, but she still keeps helping Luke with his mob problems. The chemistry between Luke and Laura was such that the show ran with it. Tony was an incredible actor nd he brought out a strength in Laura we hadn't see before. So they have Laura punish Luke emotionally, but she doesn't turn him in, and she doesn't cut him out of her life. Before his abortive wedding to Jennifer, she writes him a letter where she forgives him (which Scott finds, ending their marriage). Once on the run, she "admits" to Luke that it wasn't rape, that she wanted it too, but was just too ashamed of her feelings for him and didn't want to break her marriage vows and be ashamed in front of her family and friends. The gross "seduction-rape" trope was huge in the 80s. Good girls could not be seen actively seeking sex, so they were often "taken against their will." It played out in real life, too, with several women my age not knowing they were raped because "they put themselves in a room alone with him" or "they should have fought harder." Several of my friends wouldn't use birth control, because that meant you had planned to have sex, rather than it be something that happened to you.
• Of all the grossness that surrounds the Luke & Laura rape, the worst is her apology to him that they made love, rather than that he raped her.
• Too much reliance on "kooky" characters like Slick Jones and Emma Lutz. While Slick isn't bad, Emma is really a single punchline (she's "trashy hot"! Ha ha! So funny!). Tony was so good at being "wacky" as Luke that they wanted to build on that. Unfortunately not every character actor is Tony.
• Brian and Claudia are attractive, smart, witty, fun, loving, loyal, and fit into Port Charles society seamlessly. They also don't have a single storyline that isn't supporting to someone else (at least between 1979-1981). Can a Black man get some amnesia or hysterical blindness???
• It's hilarious that Luke goes to Dan Rooney, the hospital administrator, for international banking intel about the Quartermaines, Cassadines, and Robert Scorpio. Oh, we get a line of dialogue about how he used to work for movers and shakers, but it's still amusing. One of my best friends is the CFO for a local small credit union. Imma hit her up about Musk and Soros.
• Laura is not only sacrificed on the purity altar, she's also dragged across the coals for getting a divorce. Since Laura's soon-to-be-ex father-in-law Lee Baldwin is apparently the only attorney in town, she must turn to his associate, Joe Kelly (who graduates law school in like 6 months) to get her divorce from Scott. Quick Mexican divorces were de rigueur on 80s TV, so off Laura heads to Juarez. Lee tears up the divorce decree in a drunken rage, and Luke confronts him about it. Lee is later apologetic, and explains it as "what a dad gotta do," but latter adds that it was also due to the mores of his generation. The mores of his generation?! Lee might be Greatest Gen, but his General Hospital CV will tell you that:

1. He's a recovering alcoholic with anger issues
2. He's the biological father of Rick Webber's younger brother Jeff who was conceived via infidelity between Lee and Helene Webber
3. He was totes fine with college grad Scott marrying a literal high school senior!

Yeah. Lee should sit this one out.
The Ugly
In a 2022 interview with Oprah's "Where Are They Now," Genie Francis explained the following about why she left General Hospital in early 1982 at the height of Luke & Laura's popularity:

"I was very young. I was only 19. I was having trouble with drugs and alcohol," she said. After spending a night in the hospital, she was told she had to return to work the next day. Then someone came to her dressing room to inform her what had been said about her on set. "They said it didn't matter if you lived or died because Tony was the whole show," the person told her. "That hurt," the actress added. Feeling that she didn't matter to the show and that she was considered "nothing," Francis thought, "Okay, watch this. I'm gone," and in a moment of anger, she quit "GH." She admitted the decision was rather hot-headed, saying, "I went a long distance to prove a point. A very long distance," acknowledging that her actions hurt herself as well.

Read More: https://www.nickiswift.com/1105223/the-heartbreaking-reason-genie-francis-left-general-hospital-at-the-height-of-luke-and-lauras-fame/
Despite the bad and the ugly of it all, the show meant A LOT to me between 9 and 25 or so, and Luke & Laura were probably my first fandom. It was amusing and sometimes surreal to relive it all again.

Tl;dr: the past year of my life has been my queer awakening. I’ve discovered that I’m bisexual, but after every single gay encounter I’ve had (a total of about 7,) even though I enjoy it in the moment, I’m immediately afterwards overcome by a profound sense of regret, disgust, and self loathing.
A little backstory: I’m 23 and had always identified as straight, even though I’d certainly been bicurious since my teenage years. Well, last summer I found out I’m certainly not straight, and experimented with about 5 male partners. I did it all (got oral, gave oral, topped, bottomed). Experiences ranged from decent to “meh” to one that outright disgusts me to this day, which when I think about, I could quite literally gag if I think too long about it.
All of this experimentation last year was over the course of a few weeks, during which I was having a manic episode (I have bipolar type 1). I broke up with my girlfriend at the time to rampantly hookup with 5 men over about a 10-day period. I immensely, immensely regret what I did during this time.
Cut to me becoming stable again, which leads us to January of this year. After the new year, those gay thoughts came back with a vengeance. Every day I’d download Grindr while horny, frantically search for someone to hookup with, then I’d rub one out before I could make impulsive decisions, get post nut clarity, and immediately delete the app. This went on every day for about a week until my dick just wouldn’t relent—and I got and gave oral to a man. During the experience, I quite enjoyed it. The day after, I was disgusted with myself (especially the fact that I gave him head. That made me feel very, very dirty.) I was so revolted after the fact, that this rampant horniness of the week prior, that would make me jerk off 2-3 times a day for 2 weeks straight, after the hookup became so nonexistent that I didn’t jerk off for probably 2 weeks.
I was constantly getting intrusive thoughts of revulsion and regret.
I swore off gay hookups, counted my blessings for not getting an STD (was tested right after, 4 weeks after, and 3 months after) and did my best to push those repulsive memories away whenever they came up.
This brings us to the past week. 5 months later, the gayness came back with a vengeance. In similar fashion as last time, it was a daily, sometimes twice daily cycle of “download grindr cause horny -> obsessively try and find a hookup -> masturbate -> post-nut clarity and delete it -> get horny and redownload it -> repeat ad nauseam”
Well last night I got drunk alone, and this time I made the poor decision to NOT just fucking jerk off and get rid of my disgusting thoughts. I hooked up with this random guy. He edged me for two hours. It was hot. I stayed hard the whole time, and came harder than I probably ever have. immediately after cumming, I was disgusted with myself. As I walked home I cursed at myself under my breath.
This morning I’m repulsed by what I did. I’m repulsed by the fact that I let a stranger do that to me. I’m repulsed that I could get an std.
I’m repulsed that I yet again didn’t learn from how disgusted I was the last time this happened.
Today I’ve been self loathing constantly; audibly saying “fuck you” to myself, having suicidal ideation, etc.
I just broke down crying that I did this again—that I once again will have profound anxiety about “what if I got an std?” Which will last yet another 90 days before all tests can be conclusive—that I will once again will be plagued daily with intrusive memories of the experience (memories which immediately make me want to kill myself).
I don’t know why I’m making this post. I don’t have a question for all you gay bros. I just needed to get this off my chest. I just wish my sexuality wasn’t so fucking confusing and contradictory to itself. I wish my sexuality would just remain constant, and I could hookup with whoever I want and not want to kill myself the day after.

Welcome back, on todays episode [heres the first part], my mom who hasn't been talking to me the past 2 weeks said that I should apologize for saying mean things to her (when she started the argument and yelling) quickly dismissed her which led to the argument of dismissing my anxiety and that "i am perfectly healthy" Do you think not being able to sleep, eat or drink because of overwhelming anxiety is healthy? And when you see me not eating you yell at me to east as if I dont get triggered by food when I see it.
She brought up the idea of seeking help for my anxiety and how dare I tell my "therapist" shes the cause of it (which I had to cancel my appointment i have tomorrow despite how hard it is to get an appointment). Apparently shes heard of stories of girls who meet men online or irl and runaway with them. Shes only about only heard 2 or 3 cases happening but to be realistic my anxiety is too strong to be doing this kind of thing which I explained to my mom and then she tells me that its the anxious and depressed people that engage in these types of behaviors. I have no energy to be going around chasing a man let alone men that dont want me.
Me staying up playing games at 3am-4am according to my mom means i am a whore because only whores engage in activities that late at night ( I play with friends in a different time zones and i vibe out) Meanwhile my dads on the couch on his phone cheating on my mom chatting with women and sending them money but IM THE WHORE makes sense. I cant play in the mornings or the day because my moms like a hawk surveillances my every move and she goes "people ask what I do at home all day, i cant tell them she plays games" okay then lie? why not? women lie about their daughters all the time as if i dont see what they do on their private stories. She suggested i befriend my 15 year old cousin which I do not want to, I am close to being 30 what is a 30 year old and a 15 year old gonna be close for? The reason im in this mess is because of my moms side of the family and you want me to befriend them?
My mom the other day got mad at me for not letting my 16 year old cousin get my whatsapp number because she just came to the states and for me to help her with english. HELL FUCKING NO. WHY IS MY MOM MAKING PPLS LIVES SO CONVIENENT PLUS SHES YOUNG ENOUGH TO GO TO SCHOOL. I am not responsible for other peoples kids let alone my cousins. My moms favorite hobby is gaslighting me and controlling me since her life is falling apart and need some control in her life

⚠️ WARNING LONG AND RUSHED ⚠️ Me f23) Never had much of a family, or much of friends growing up… I made it out of my toxic household at the age of 16 used relationships to sort of figure life out if that makes sense..? I was always in long term relationships. I got used a lot because mentally I’m fragile and like my ex would say “simple”. I think I’m just overly submissive and nice it causes horrible relationship power dynamics…. Anyway 2 abusive relationships later I got married to the least awful one. One with stability and support and llove. All I could ever ask for. I gave him everything, he said to jump I said how high. I took care of his kids I tolerated his ex wife and other baggage. It wasn’t perfect and at times I tried to leave but I had NO where to go, I gave everything to him and had no friends or employment………. I was basically owned. I was also needed by him and that gave me purpose.
Eventually things got worse. He moved his ex wife in my home. The house we got together and I made my own. He manipulated me and told me lies that it was for a month and he didn’t have feelings for her. She told me he said for however long she wanted and that he’s been offering her this opportunity for a while. she also told me (without her knowledge of me not already knowing, about multiple times they got together since me and him been together which he later on admits when I confront him) !!!!He told her we were in a open relationship.!!! 😡 my whole world was flipped upside down in just one week of her there.
Cheating, lying, manipulation. Constant and I never once retaliated. He agreed to couple therapy…. It was alright. I can’t say it fixed everything but it was a safe place to speak up for myself.
After 6 months of her being there things started to get rocky she hated me I was the women of the house and she couldn’t tolerate it. The kids preferred me over her for anything. I cooked I cleaned did whatever my husband said. She was always begging for attention, getting drunk crying about their failed marriage. It was embarrassing. Scary tooo couldn’t trust her. My anxiety and stress was over the rooof. One day she came home from work wasted and attacked me and I lost it. Finally a huge explosion from the push over . We fought (I messed her up really bad) and I told her she had to leave immediately. She looked right past me to my husband and asked if that was true. For once in our relationship he agreed with me. (He was also tired of her at this point she was doing nothing to get financially stable and acting like a child) the next day she apologized and admitted to her drunken rage. She asked if she could stay I told her no I gave her one month…. She cried to the kids about how awful of a person I was and that she was going to be homeless because of me. I evenCaught her on the phone telling people she was in a abusive situation. Just craziness. I didn’t care though soon she’d be gone.
That last month I gave her was hell….. she would kill my plants let her dog shit in the house….etc. when the last two weeks were coming up one night she snuck the kids out the house while my husband was on a business trip. I noticed in the morning. She claimed she took them to her moms home town because her mother was dying. We told her it didn’t matter either way she needed to ask it was a school night.
Skip ahead, 3 or maybe 4 days later kids still aren’t home. I get a knock at the door. A police officer hands me papers. (Gonna quickly go through this) Basically she wrote a report saying I threatened her and physically attacked her and she can’t finically afford to leave the house with her dogs and children. So I needed to leave. Since she lived there for more then three months she was legally a resident and had a right to stay. (She literally paid 0 rent. Always makes excuses about her endless debt) The second report she wrote said that my step children told her me and my husband abused them before she moved in and she fears for their safety around me and my husband. Then repeated to say she cannot afford to leave the house we need to leave.
AGAIN my life was flipped upside down. Didn’t let us see the kids or even speak for ourselves. I’m 22 years old the kids are 14 , 17. My heart is broken. They were my whole life I did so much for them/ not my own kids but we were close and we would always tell each other we loved each other . It was my little glimpse of a normal loving family. & they lie on me??💔 doesn’t make sense.
I didn’t know they’d be home the next day. I didn’t know I had to leave my home yet. Thought maybe they’d talk to Me first. I’m not familiar with the law and stuff and she called the cops from across the street they told me I’m violating court orders or something. I got arrested. (Husband was still on businesses trip ) I’ve never been in trouble before. I had no one to call. I got out when my husband got back. We were homeless. Hurt. He lost his job. Pending felony charges. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. Im scared I keep having panic attacks Night terrors thinking I’m back in jail I’m angry but really just defeated and empty and I’m so alone. I’m hurting so badly. I have no fight left. I feel like I’m to Blame.

Continued from Pt. 1, which can be found at:
Pt 1: https://www.reddit.com/Horror_stories/comments/13wymkl/ghost_word_pt_1/
WARNING: This story contains depictions of non-consensual sex and gun violence.
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Lyle found himself on foot, the valise at his side, the night air crisp and noisy. He realized he was ravenous. No surprise there, he hadn’t had anything to eat or drink in twenty-six hours. The late evening traffic was brisk around the campus, and as he passed a roving pack of students Lyle realized it was Thursday night*. Thirsty Thursdays*.
In keeping with ancient tradition, the majority of undergraduates avoided Friday morning classes at all costs, preferring to begin their weekend revels on Thursday nights. Lyle followed his feet. He imagined power emanating from the briefcase at his side, thrumming up his arm. He felt, for perhaps the first time in a life of shrinking uncertainty, boundless.
And it felt extraordinary.
Somewhere inside of him a notion was forming that he did not dare articulate. But he followed his feet. The easy ebb and flow of walk signals, the pleasantly cool night air, the passing chatter, even the occasional car-horn—which in the past had never failed to startle him, jittery as he was—seemed buoyant and agreeable. The night was his. He realized he was sloping gently downhill, as he followed his feet. He realized he knew exactly where he was going. He found himself before O’Flaherty’s Pub, with its sandwich-board blaring LADIES NIGHT 1/2 WELL DRINKS -- TRUST ME YOU CAN DANCE in electric pink loops. It felt only natural to step beneath the awning, swing wide the knotted mahogany door, and enter the din.
The ham-hock manning security—probably a redshirt lineman in his off-season—turned toward Lyle on autopilot, one hand reaching out as a question formed on his lips, lemme see some ID. Lyle made no attempt to reach for his wallet because he knew the inevitable would happen when the bouncer took in his face, which he did a half second later. A tiny beat of recognition flickered and was gone, and the bouncer turned away. No need to card the old dude. Good luck navigating the vicissitudes of adult life, you Mongoloid, Lyle thought. The jag off had a Black & Mild tucked up behind one ear, Lyle felt an insane urge to snatch it off his head and break it in half. He did not do well with the pretend authority of chunky, dead-eyed adolescents.
But I’m not here for him.
Lyle wove his way into the evening crush with the delicate, shuffling little steps he always used in crowds. By fits and starts he made his way deeper, deeper, winding toward the back bar, the one with the full-length mirror. That was her favorite. O’Flaherty’s had a Crosley jukebox, wood-paneled and coin-operated, reaching for vintage but stuffed to the gills with Bluetooth and wi-fi and digital memory and whatever else. A woman’s voice was booming out of it, an empty pop ballad gussied up by her big, operatic sound. Lyle tried to think of the singer’s name, but couldn’t. He squeezed into a narrow gap at the back bar.
Darby was flirting as she mixed a rum-and-coke for a gawky, dough-faced kid in a flat-cap and a Harrington jacket. On the few occasions he had come out on Darby missions, Lyle had stayed well back from the bar, waiting for drink service at one of the small cafe tables lining the billiard room. But tonight, he wasn’t here to watch.
Darby handed off the drink and caught sight of Lyle. He winced—he could read the surprise, even discomfort, on her face. But she was tending bar, and she was quick on her feet, and she rearranged her expression into a smile. She held up a finger—*one sec—*to which Lyle nodded, as she took flat-cap’s (father’s) Amex back to the register and opened up a tab.
Lyle enjoyed watching her walk. Enjoyed looking at her from the back, or in profile. He usually saw her face, in class, big brown doe eyes and very pale, freckled skin. A shade away from clear, he had heard her joke once, to James, as she had invited him to touch the roadmap of blue veins on her inner arm. That had enraged Lyle—the sudden, unwelcome image of James with those long creamy legs locked over his waist, his long, slow thrusts.
Because he restrained himself from ogling her in class, it was a pleasure to come to O’Flaherty’s during her shifts and watch her as she worked. Darby was not the first of what Lyle thought of as his “favorites”. Every year or two there was a fresh, irresistible young thing, for him to think about, alone, late at night. One of the unspoken perks of professordom was the constant influx of eye-candy, of short skirts and long legs and high asses and pert young tits. In his mind’s eye it was an endless profusion of imagined aureoles, of wondering about their panties—boy-briefs or frilly little whatsits or g-strings or none at all—and even if Lyle never slept with them there was an intense eroticism in holding power over these girls he could never have bedded in his own college years. In pushing that term paper over the failing line and waiting, deliciously waiting, for them to come to his office hour and plead. Only Darby’s work was reasonably competent, so even that grimy thrill was denied him.
Darby finished up with the register and came over, the pale of her neck stark against her tight black t-shirt. O’FLAHERTY’S was printed on it in green, the name stretched to accommodate her bust. Her hair frazzled at the temples; she’d been working hard.
Just a little dirty, that’s how I like you, he thought.
“Dr. L! We missed you today, thought maybe you caught the gunk. You all right?” Darby beamed her big smile at him, a gift of the gods (and of immaculate orthodontics).
“I’m fine, Darby, thanks. Just a communication mix-up. I’m sorry you all waited.”
She kept smiling, seemed to be waiting for more. He didn’t give it to her.
“Well—can I get you anything?”
Lyle hesitated, trying to think of a manly drink, something urbane and—professorial.
“Scotch-rocks. A double.”
Darby continued to stare at him, expectantly. “Any… particular poison, or-?”
Lyle glanced up, made a show of studying the bottles arrayed behind her. He knew nothing about scotch. Stupid. He settled on Johnnie Walker Black, and Darby poured his drink.
Lyle realized his heart was racing. Darby set the drink in front of him and he downed half of it in one swallow. He managed to keep his face neutral as the liquor seared his throat.
“This is a—little bit of a departure, for you, huh?” Darby indicated the scotch.
“What?”
She must have known he heard her but she raised her voice anyway. The music had changed to a British pop group with a lot of electronic undertones, trying to sound haunting.
“The scotch,” she said. “Don’t you always order lemon drop martinis? When you come in?”
Busted. Two bright red circles appeared high on his cheeks.
“You know, it, it depends,” he replied. “Depends on my mood. And you—you make a hell of a lemon drop martini, here.”
Fucking idiot, he thought. They make the same Goddamn lemon drop martini as everybody else and she knows it.
Darby was smooth, though. Graceful. She rolled right past it. “I wondered why you never came over and said hi.”
“Well I don’t want to, you know, be a bother. You’re working. It’s always busy. And I’ve been coming here for years, off and on. You get used to seeing students out on the town. I try to give them their space.”
“Oh.” Her smile reappeared. “Well I’m glad you came over. Let me know if I can get you anything else?” She was already angling away.
“How was class today?” Lyle didn’t want to let her go. She glanced down the bar, she had customers waiting.
“It was great, really great,” she hurried her answer. She was giving him the brush-off. “James did great. He’s an awesome teacher. Awesome guy.”
“You know, I’d been meaning to ask you, about James…” Lyle leaned in, conspiratorially. Darby’s smile was faltering, but courtesy won out and she leaned in to hear.
“Are you fucking him?”
Darby recoiled, as though he had spit on her.
“What?”
“Do you laugh at me, when you do it? When you fuck, do you laugh at the scabby, horn-dog professor?”
Darby’s breath hitched in her chest, she looked like she was about to cry. She took a step back. She looked down the bar, and then past him—toward the door.
Bouncer, he thought. She’s looking for the bouncer.
“I think you need to—” she began.
Then Lyle said the Word. The alien Word, meant to be moaned, easy as pie, really, when you thought about it, how the sounds flowed together. The Word that meant libido.
Darby froze. Her pupils flickered, Lyle saw, they constricted down to pinpricks, and then dilated as wide as they could go, swallowing the puppy-dog brown of her irises. Her face went slack. That wide, expensive smile vanished, and her mouth hung slightly open.
“Moisten your lips, Darby,” he said.
Her tongue slid out, pink and supple, and she obeyed.
Oh, my God, she OBEYED.
Lyle’s penis twitched in his pants, he realized he was painfully erect, his balls aching. He realized he had been, had been since—since I said the Word—since he had her and a cruel, savage sense of triumph shook him, he felt his pulse hammering in his veins, he felt like standing up on the bar and—
ROARING I want to ROAR at this dewy twat and all her imbecilic peers—
But instead, he took his cock firmly in his hand, through the cheap fabric of his Ross trousers, squeezed himself, and said—
“What are we going to do with you, Darby?”
#
Lyle fucked her in the alleyway behind O’Flaherty’s. That meant hurrying more than he liked, the dumpster provided cover but the blocks surrounding the campus were too well policed. It was all right, though. Now that he was armed with the libido-Word, the next time could be more leisurely.
He took her in. All of her. The small, surprisingly dark nipples, nothing like he’d imagined. The fine, black hairs on the nape of her neck, the peach fuzz of her freckled low back, her inner thighs. Her panties were white briefs with green stitching, they were covered with tiny frogs. He tugged them down, and nuzzled her there. He left hickeys, on her ass, her mons. Her smooth, exquisite young cunt.
Lyle took her from behind and saw the groggy confusion in her dilated eyes, the amazement*—*and through that the pleasure, the unsuspected, unwanted, violating pleasure that jolted moans out of her.
Lyle sucked her neck, bit it, hard enough to sting. She gave a tiny mewl as she came, and her spasm triggered him also. Lyle buried himself to the hilt in her, finished in her, and felt—
Like a king. Like a GOD.
They stayed there as the minutes stretched out, panting, still joined. He savored her, until his own tumescence vanished, and he slipped out. Lyle patted her derriere.
“Get dressed and get back to work, Darby,” he said. “We don’t want you to get in trouble.”
She jerked her head, drunkenly, from side to side, as though she were trying to shake water out of her ears. Lyle breathed deep, in through his nose, the fine scents of the city. Fried food nearby, probably the Thai joint catty-corner to the pub. He stood and admired, as Darby tugged her frog-panties back up those long pale legs.
“I’ll see you in class.”
Darby stared blankly at him as he took up his suitcase, turned, and strode into the night.
#
When Lyle opened his eyes the next morning, he was only mildly surprised to discover that he felt no guilt at all. The sun streamed in, the world was up and running, coffee was calling, and by God he felt fine.
He sat up in bed, stretched. He glanced at the alarm clock, that hateful sentinel, now toothless—10:27AM. The mattress was bare, beneath him. He’d never washed the sheets. Puddled on the floor were yesterday’s clothes. He resisted the urge to tidy them up. Later. He padded to the bathroom and went about his ablutions, brushed his teeth, took out his shaving kit. He had used the sleep-Word on himself again, last night. After.
After! He let the memories wash over him. Her smell: the tang of sweat, bar-odors, the undercurrent of peach soap. The taste of her! And then the feast, afterward. He had followed his nose to Great Elephant Thai, wolfed down a plate of kai thot, fried to a crisp and dripping oil*.* It may have been the finest meal of his life.
And he had had such dreams! Dreams of Darby, and of favorites past. Dreams of fucking and of wealth and of slights avenged and of respectful, deferential looks, dreams of voices falling silent when he entered a room, of every eye on him. A song lyric drifted into his head, something from his childhood, a favorite of his father’s one long summer, repeated ad nauseam on the fourteen-hour drive down to Savannah.
“Twenty years a’crawlin’… were bottled up in Tommy… he wasn’t holding nothin’ back, he let ‘em have it all…” Lyle sang, full voice, into the morning. A stupid grin spread over his face, as he wicked away the last patch of Barbasol, the careful spot right over his Adam’s apple, and rinsed his razor. He took a long look at Mirror-Lyle, looked into his eyes. He almost always avoided a close examination of his reflection, force of habit, but today he was a new man, and he wanted to take that man’s measure.
“Everyone… considered him… THE COWARD OOOF… the COUNTYYYY…”
Something else surfaced, then, in his memory, something that cranked the wattage down on his smile. He didn’t get all of it, just a glimpse, like a dorsal fin rising above the water. He had dreamed of more than power and sex. There had been something else. Lyle had a vague red recollection of tangled depths and faceless figures. His mind offered up a fleeting image of a crumbling stone structure, of keening wind and squat pillars; and of a great broken vault overhead, through which could be seen a blasted sky.
Lyle charged his phone as he brewed up a fresh pot. It had run out of juice somewhere during yesterday’s festivities, and when it finally powered up again it began to vibrate against the Formica tabletop in his dining nook. He ignored the first two pulses, but the phone insistently continued, not with the regular rhythm of an incoming call, but rather the inconsistent bursts of message notifications trickling in from the cloud. He tapped the touchscreen, and saw he had seven missed calls: one from a colleague, yesterday; and six from James, each one with a voicemail attached. The most recent of these had come just twenty minutes ago.
Lyle sipped on his coffee as he retrieved the briefcase from beneath his bed. He sat at his dinette and removed the fascicle, easily finding the rigid page. He opened it, and this time the new Word was waiting for him below the first, long entry: the entry corresponding to the letter “A” itself. This Word was angry, Ks and Zs, a hornet-word, serpent-word. Lyle looked to the white space, where the definition would arise. He pricked his forefinger with the tip of a steak knife and squeezed out two droplets of blood.
der zorn
Lyle sipped. Lyle thought. Greek, then Latin, now German. Was it moving forward in time? He wondered again about those first shapes he had seen, in the library. The more he tried to remember the more he doubted they had been in Greek. Something older, maybe. Phoenician syllabary? He would likely never know. But the Words were changing. The book was changing.
And there was this: both of the—*spells, they’re spells, let’s cut the shit—*both of the Words it had given him so far had been…
“Intuitive,” he said finally. “Useful. Like it knew.”
Lyle took down the last foil sleeve of blueberry Pop Tarts from his cupboard. Pauper’s breakfast, he thought, but not for much longer. He searched through his contacts until he found the number for the Chancellor’s office. He thumbed the little blue phone icon beside it.
#
Lyle had just started boxing up his things when James burst into his office, perfectly symmetrical face distorted by fury, his generous features made ugly. Ah, the righteousness of youth. James took in the dense sheaf of Staples boxes, waiting to be folded; took in the bare walls, the stacked diplomas and photographs.
“What the fuck is this?” he demanded.
“Emergency leave,” Lyle answered with a dismissive wave. “I’ve had a family crisis. I’m afraid I have to attend to it. Professor Chole will be taking over my workload for the remainder of the semester, I’m sure she’ll be in touch—"
“What did you do to Darby? What the fuck did you do?” James spoke with the husky, quaking tone of pure adrenaline. He was just barely restraining himself from lunging across the desk, Lyle realized. He took the younger man in with bemused calm. He let the moment stretch out.
“Therese called me,” James continued, the words throttling out of him. “Darby’s roommate. She came home last night, she has—bruises, all over her, little, little *bites—*she won’t speak, she just sits there and cries, but she said your name. It’s the only thing she said. What did you do to her, Lyle? Did you rape her?”
“Dr. Hereford,” Lyle replied.
James craned forward. “What?”
*“*You don’t get to call me Lyle.”
Lower, now, almost a whisper: “Tell me what you did to her.”
“I made her come,” Lyle said. “And she fucking loved it.”
James did lunge then, he screamed and he leapt across the desk, coming down on Lyle in a tangle of thrashing limbs and rabbit punches, the two of them toppling Lyle’s chair, compressing awkwardly into the tight space between desk and wall. James kicked hard off of the gray metal drawers, managing to end up on top. His hands found Lyle’s throat and began to squeeze. Lyle felt himself constricting, felt the energy draining out of him, pinned, as he lost oxygen. He noticed the curds of spittle at the corners of James’s snarling mouth. He started to see spots in the periphery of his vision, and as he slapped ineffectually at James’s face he thought am I going to die here—?
Lyle dug down for the last of his strength. The Word chose me. This wasn’t the end. Couldn’t be the end. He extended his leg as far as it would go, and used the distance to drive his knee, hard, into James’s crotch. A grunting exhale was propelled out of the younger man*.* Lyle pulled back to do it again; James squeezed his thighs together to block, and when he did, he compromised his balance. He took one hand off Lyle’s throat and thrust out his arm to catch himself as be began to roll, allowing Lyle to draw in a long, ragged breath.
Then Lyle spoke the Word.
The der zorn-Word.
The word that meant anger, that meant rage, that meant WRATH.
#
“Son. Son, you’re bleeding, let me—let me help you, come on. Son, it’s gonna be okay, come on, now— “
The campus policeman approaches James like a dog that might be rabid, that slow hunched posture with arms wide, except for the policeman it’s only one arm because his right hand is flush up against his service weapon and his thumb snaps the little thumbsnap and it’s a very small noise but it’s so loud in James’s head and he shakes it, his head, does James, from side to side, in herks and jerks, like a dog that might be rabid, now, like there’s water in his ears and he’s trying to shake it out, is James, and the policeman is coming on and speaking in clear precise syllables that explode behind James’s temples, clusterbomb-words, and the cop is speaking but he’s hearing another voice, is James, and it’s Lyle’s voice, it’s Dr. L’s voice, not Lyle never Lyle, and Dr. L’s voice is saying snakebit you’re snakebit she fucking LOVED it and James touches his own face now and it must be true because there’s blood on his face and when he blinks his blink is heavy and liquid like he just dropped Visine in there but the thing is but only but except it’s blood and he’s bleeding from the eyes, is James, and now the policeman is right on top of him saying “son what happened can you hear me respond if you can hear me” and James hears the exploding words all right and he blinks and blood oozes from the corners of his eyes and the cop is changing now, in the blood, his face is BOILING and now it’s Darby’s face on the policeman and she opens her mouth and her head cranes back and she’s ruined inside OH FUCK SHE’S RUINED INSIDE SHOT HERSELF SHE SHOT HERSELF SHE’S SHOT and now it’s DR L IT’S DR L SCREAMING SNAKEBIT SNAKEBIT SNAKEBIT—
James rears back and head-butts the campus cop as hard as he can, the smooth acne-less center of James’s forehead connecting with the soft cartilage of the policeman’s nose. A sick crunch echoes in the lobby of the Humanities building, a young woman close enough to hear it vomits on the floor, it is the first puking incident of the day but not the last.
The cop recoils with a sick moan, in his surprise clapping his hands to his shattered nose; in that moment James bellows, an awful inarticulate animal sound of hate, and yanks the policeman’s service piece free of his holster.
The handful of rubbernecking students freeze as James shoots the policeman in the face.
The policeman’s name is (was) Lou, the students know, and he is (was) genial and well-liked. A silent second passes in the lobby, and then the screaming begins.
James dips down and pulls two spare clips out of Lou’s belt. He pockets them. When James looks up, he doesn’t see fleeing students.
He sees Dr. L.
A gaggle of Dr. L’s. A school, a clutch, a murder. He sees laughing Dr. L’s running in every direction, diving behind furniture, breaking for the street or hurtling into the stairwells. One Dr. L dives behind the reception desk. James starts after him on wooden legs.
When he reaches the desk, there is Dr. L beneath it, a cell phone in his hand, cackling. James shoots him in the stomach. Dr. L keeps right on laughing, howling with it now, whatever it is must be hilarious, a real knee-slapper, then James remembers its him, Dr. L is laughing at him so James shoots him again, shoots him so he’ll stop but there are so many more—
#
Lyle Hereford, Ph.D., rested his browning forearms on the wrought iron railing of his third-floor balcony. He looked out over the Gulf of Mexico. The breeze was warm and gentle, suffusing, but it no longer calmed him. He took no notice of it. He was lost, as he was always now lost, in thought.
The one, lone thought.
It had taken a little less than two weeks for James’s horrific shooting spree to drop out of the news. The demands for GUN CONTROL NOW (or, conversely, for guns in every classroom) receded and were shelved for the next go-round. Politicians took to the field and unfurled their heraldry for the usual pro-forma skirmishes. Then, mercifully, a Cabinet official fucked somebody he really shouldn’t have and the national discourse (such as it was) barreled off, like a dog chasing a ball that its owner had only pretended to throw. As to why a handsome, popular, well-adjusted student should suddenly snap and murder sixteen of his fellows? The theories ranged from medically reasonable (an inoperable tumor which could not be verified via autopsy, as James’s brains had been removed by the responding tactical unit); to the paranoiac (James had been the subject of a Manchurian Candidate-style CIA/NSA/Acronym-of-your-choice experiment gone horribly wrong); to the Occult (the Devil made him do it).
Lyle had enjoyed that last one.
What Lyle had not enjoyed was that some of the conspiracy theorists, and even some of the legitimate press, had mentioned him by name. He had disappeared, after all, on an auspicious and chaotic day, to manage a crisis no one could verify involving a family no one could find. It had not been difficult to remain ahead of any enterprising investigators, though. Not with the Words.
And there had been so many more Words. Words in French and Finnish and Russian and Spanish and Mandarin. Words that meant envy and silence and fear and blindness and, perhaps the most potent yet, a Word that meant stupid. Lyle had employed that one against a statie who pulled him over as he crossed the Louisiana line, coming through Vicksburg. The guy had been six-two, maybe two-twenty, with sharp, curious eyes sunk deep in his skull. Lyle hadn’t liked the way he had looked at him, so he used the Word. Now the statie—*Edmonds was his name, Trooper Edmonds—*was six-two, two-twenty of drooling simpleton, probably staring at a wall somewhere in the nearest brain injury ward and driving the resident neurologists absolutely bugshit.
By the time Lyle made it to a quiet, lazy town on the Cajun Riviera and decided to set a spell, he had traded in his Acura for a Beemer and was carrying close to a hundred and twelve thousand dollars in cash. He had also acquired a 9mm Ruger and a shotgun with a pistol grip (the dealer had called it a snake charmer just before Lyle killed him).
None of that matters now, though.
All that mattered was the Word. Which, he had come to realize, was the last Word.
Because the book was alive, of course, had always been alive, Lyle knew that. Hadn’t let himself come right out and say it, but he knew. It had slept, maybe, possibly, until he woke it, with his touch, with his blood, but if it slept, it woke up thirsty*.* The book was always ready with the next Word, the next thing he would need. The book was collaborating with him. It was dancing with him, and at first he had thought he was the one leading, but now he knew better.
Lyle felt it. Felt it—pulling on him. All the time. Felt it in the room behind him, pulling, knew that he would go back in, sooner or later, go back in, and open the book, the book that has been leading him. Knew that he would open its hundreds of pages, because it was longer now, because it had grown, because it was three inches thick and the front plating had vanished and it wasn’t pretending to be a dictionary anymore.
He knew that he would open it and on every single page, centered, would be a single Word, the last Word, the Word that he will say, that he must say, sooner or later, and under it swirling in blood, blood that must be the book’s own, the final explication, the final command, the final meaning, and God, oh God, Lyle was afraid, because the last Word was
DOOR