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2023.03.24 07:31 anonymahm I've got good reason to feel some holdover anxiety, but it's interfering with finding peace. How do I make my brain stop and smell the roses? [Longer than intended, but TLDR included]

(No one has permission to use this in a click-bait blog article of bullshit sensationalism, for the record)
This is going to sound like a crazy problem to have, but I need some bromo wisdom to help me wrap my head around this new .. phase? chapter? of my life. I am NOT complaining. I just need to figure out how to let myself accept and ... I guess enjoy (?) having the chance to slow down and ease out of a lifetime of survival mode. This got long, so feel free to skip to the juicier parts.
In short? I feel crushing guilt when I don't justify my day's activities/projects etc to my husband, because he's actually working and I'm "just" a SAHM (MY words, not his, I swear). Yes. I hear the misogyny in my language and it makes me feel crazy. He is not tasking me with anything - this is 100% coming from me. He fully supports me not reporting my daily activites to him for approval, wants me to try being "lazy" while he's at work (I would probably stop breathing in panic), and says I put way too much pressure on myself to be a "good enough". He tells me that he sees enormous value in everything I do for our family, and I believe him? Kind of? I guess I trust him more than I believe him, but my own baggage and anxiety gets in the way of actually changing my mindset.
Here's why:
TL;DR: Most of my life I've been in one-sided power dynamics where I had to "earn my keep". My previous two long term relationships minimized any contributions I made to our family, and I had to account for every minute of every day since I "did nothing", even when I was working. They were both abusive and did a lot to cement the "be useful or be discarded" ideology I'd experienced in my teen years. Now I'm in a GREAT marriage with an amazing supportive and healthy partner, and he's encouraging me to make time for me and stop pressuring myself so much to overachieve. I have major anxiety about this, and it isn't healthy, but I can't figure out how to think about it differently to NOT feel guilty.
- My parents died before I was a teen so I grew up alone in foster care (multiple single family and group homes, at least 11 foster parents if I'm remembering all of them), and the mindset was 100% "if you can lean you can clean" and "never make waves". They were convinced we were monsters in the making, even though my only "crime" was not having extended family. No one cared. THEY had earned their place in life, and we were lucky to even gaze upon them. We were paid pennies for HARD farm labor after school and on weekends/breaks from age 12+, and we had to use our own money on clothes, cleaning, personal care supplies etc. 3x I came home to CWs literally waiting in the driveway to move again. No goodbyes, no explanation, no therapy, nothing. Just my 2 trash bags of stuff in the back and off I go to convince the next "family" to let me pretend to be part of their world until I became an inconvenience. The day I graduated high school I had to pack and leave, because the state wouldn't pay a dime after that so why would anyone keep me?
It was rough, and I learned fast to make myself useful so people might attribute SOME value to having me around. People pleasing was an understatement.
I immediately married a guy with an IQ of a wet doorknob, who cannonballed into the Y2K PreppeFundamentalist deep end (kinda TradLife before TradLife was a thing) and waving around his Man Of The House patriarchy in between seasonal construction jobs that couldn't keep food on the table. We barely existed on the cusp of abject poverty and homelessness, which was encouraged as being challenged by God via our fundamentalist Baptist church, hellbent on the self-loathing puritanical mindset of "noble suffering". It was a very dysfunctional marriage that didn't last long after he turned his explosive rage onto one of our kids instead of me.
Got out of that, stumbled onto an amazing therapist, did some great work (but not nearly enough) and hopped into another bad relationship, this time with a guy I'd been in foster care with years before. Take a guess how well that went. After the love-bombing , he was an emotionally torturous spend-a-holic with a hair trigger temper who spoiled himself with the latest/greatest while guilting me for needing more than one pair shoes or inching towards any shred of dignity or self respect. Bills were paid from what I hid from him after my "grocery allowance", even though he made 70k/year. I left him when I learned he'd been grooming and hurting our kids, and he is now in prison.
Spent a long time as a single mom, LOADS of trauma therapy for myself and kids, and let myself fall in love with being single, empowered, badass etc. Eventually learned that it was okay to end a relationship that didn't work for me, even without it being abusive (!groundbreaking), and had some healthy dating experiences that ended positively. It was a breath of fresh air, and FINALLY I had the confidence to actually find a partner who matched me vs competed with me.
Met and married the most amazing guy. He's a widow, his story is in my post history if it's relevant, and without a doubt he is my person. We're a military family stationed overseas and we have a big family of his/mine/ours. Several are grown and flown and our youngest (tweens and up) are still with us. When I'm not working I do a ton of volunteering and (somewhat neurotic )projects while keeping him informed constantly of what I'm doing, which ... he doesn't ask of me at all.
But I can't stomach NOT trying to report what all I do, much less let him pitch in, because it feels like I didn't do "my job" good enough if I don't detail it and make sure he's okay with it (Hint, he always is and he feels weird that I do this). And if he has to pick up my slack I feel like I've failed and I fall apart. At the same time though I resent him making time to work out, read, enjoy hobbies, because I won't let myself carve out time to do the same (which, if I let him do his part, I'd have more time for myself..I do see that it's just not that easy emotionally?). Everyone complains that their husbands won't "help" but I have panic attacks when I "catch" him sneakily cleaning our room or doing laundry... not because he's "doing it wrong" (he was an adult long before I showed up, he's fine lol) but because it feels like I've let him down and I'm failing to contribute to the household. Yes, I'm on anxiety meds :)
See the pattern?
Adding on:
Overseas employment is HARD to land, so I haven't been able to earn a paycheck since we left the states several years ago. We are comfortable, so me working is a personal choice not a need, if that makes sense. We have excellent insurance and the kids' college is paid for thanks to his vet status, so that isn't anything to worry about anymore either. This is something I've REALLY struggled with, even though financially we are FINE. I've used my volunteer experience to build a pretty impressive resume and apply for every job I could even possibly qualify for. I never get selected, and I end up crushed. This happens every few months and it is emotionally EXHAUSTING on me, him, everything.
My husband has gently and lovingly suggested that mayyyybe I could consider pursuing some self-care for a change, instead of constantly taking care of everyone else in and out of our home. He's suggested that mayyyybe I don't HAVE to overachieve in every facet of my life, and mayyyyybe I could let myself enjoy things that I haven't had space for in a long time. It bothers him that I feel guilty about not contributing, and he's always saying how much he appreciates what I do because it's such a balance to what he is able to do, and we make a good team.
And he's right... I haven't stopped to read a book, learn something for fun, nothing, in... years? Ever? Or at least since before I had kids. I garden but only for food production/storage/canning, never flowers or anything that isn't useful. I won't even turn the TV on when I'm home alone because that feels ...frivolous I guess? Like I'm wasting time and resources? He wants me to give myself some time to just BE, for a few months, maybe even a year, and then see how I feel. He sees my need to compulsively "earn my keep" as exacerbating my anxiety, and has very lovingly suggested I practice accepting that this (us) is a permanent thing and he's never going to change his mind or turn into a monster. Yet I flat out start spiraling at the idea of him "catching" me doing nothing, and this is based on NOTHING this man has done EVER in the history of our decade-long relationship.
If I'm frank, I've spent my entire life compulsively finding ways to be useful/necessary (even when I'm not getting paid my hours are well over 40/week), and when I'm home I feel like I have to be productive/useful or I'm taking advantage of having a home and it won't last.
If you got this far, how do I take him up on this (obviously sane and rational) suggestion that I take a breather and self care for longer than a hot minute? Even thinking about it, my jaw clenches and my brain starts telling me to clean the closets and go check the laundry and (and, and and, there's always another and). I need to think about this differently somehow, so I can give this whole "settle down and relax" thing a try.
submitted by anonymahm to breakingmom [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 07:25 H1ppidy How can I explain to religious family why not attending my Queer wedding is relationship ending & emotionally traumatizing?

I (32F) am marrying my soon to be wife (29F) in May. My father and part of his side of the family are what I lovingly call the bad kind of catholic. My father has been absent (if not physically then mentally) most of my life. He found God again and wanted to right his wrongs so I gave him a chance the last few years to mend our relationship. Flash forward to November 2022 and he’s officially hurt me too many times and it’s not worth it to me to continue a relationship with him. The last straw was when he told me he won’t be coming to my wedding after a 2 hour walk where he tried to sew doubt in my mind about marrying my partner. I have many ridiculous stories about things he’s said or done just in the past 3 years but those two hours took the cake.
A few family members told me they believe marriage is between a man and woman so they can not attend our wedding. I’ve decided to go no contact with all of them without really telling them because the whole thing is so intensely emotional for me. My emotional state kind of paralyses me when I want to explain what is so horribly wrong with them not believe in my marriage and I need help explaining my side. Not supporting my marriage is not supporting my equal rights, how do I explain that to a religious person who doesn’t understand because “they still love me”?
Some things my father has said to me:
The Bible says marriage is between a man and woman and God comes before everyone.
This doesn’t mean I don’t love you (referencing not coming to my wedding).
I know you will convert to Catholicism one day, what do you think that will look like? (He thinks he knows someone who receives messages from God)
It’s probably my fault you’re gay. (Because he was a shit father)
Hate the sin not the sinner. All sin is equal and we all sin.
It’s my fault you don’t know the Bible and I want to teach you. (I suspect he thinks I’ll just change my mind about being my true self)
I wish I had the perfect words to tell all of them how harmful their beliefs are but I just draw a blank. Any advice or examples of how you’ve dealt with a similar situation would help me.
submitted by H1ppidy to AskLGBT [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 07:09 CKain08 I am the glass child

TW mention of self harm and suicidal thoughts
" Glass children are those who are growing up in a home where a sibling takes up a disproportionate amount of parental energy "
Well. Disclaimer : I am not a child, alright, I am 20. But I've been thinking a lot about the last 10 years of my life, and I am, as much as it pains me, a glass child and I've been since my sister's born.
Of course, at first, it was (I thought) only because I was the first born, the big sis, you know.
But 3 years ago, my sister discovered Tik Tok. Everyone knows Tik Tok, right? Well, we all know what kind of stuff we can find on that app! I, myself, found the description of a "glass child" there. I use Tik Tok frequently.
My sister always had problems with her friends. When she was younger, she was always in the middle of some arguing between two or three girls, never really had a day where she wasn't coming home with what I call "girl's gangs" problems (you know when two best friends suddenly split and get mad and get other friends to form like alliances and stuff to b*tch on the others? Ya know, old stuff, we've all been there).
She was never wrong in those situations. She was coming home laughing about how she was the peacemaker and never creating problems of some sort. Thing is, I know my sister. Like the back of my hand. Alright? I just... know when she's lying. Still, to this day, she always brags about how good she is to manipulate people and make them do what she wants. Alrighty girl, weird flex.
Well, she got to high school (what we call secondary one in Canada), and then, she started having anxiety. Like panic attacks and all? I've had those, still do these days, so I understood. I became her protector, her therapist, calming her down when my mother critized her for exagerating. I knew what to do, and I gave up all my energy to take care of her, of her mental health, as a good old sister does.
She made it to the second year of high school (secondary 2) with difficulties. Panic attacks again and all. 3 years ago, as I said, she discovered Tik Tok. I know Tik Tok and its algorithm : there are specific fyp where you can find videos about the same topic over and over again. I suspect she was in a dark side of Tik Tok, a depressed one, where you can see all sort of sad/depressing things and stories (I know, I've been there too, now trying to avoid it as much as I can because it affects me mentally and I start spiralling).
Cutting her hair short ( I guess the "funny mentally hill" trend where you cut your hair on a headbutt and dye it, I know, been there too).
Sexuality explored too. Like she was trans for a while and wanted us to call her another name (she isn't anymore, she told me so about 3 months in). I always respected her choices and calling her what she wanted to be called at that time. She was a kid, she was 13, so she was discovering herself and her preferences and all. No problem with that.
She started hanging out with some people like that too. She had a non-binary friend, a trans one, a furry one, etc. She was having fun with them. Great people. She finally had a group.
Some of them, however, had the same experiences we all hear about on Tik Tok. You know, some of them not in a great home, or in a bad relationship with parents, depression, anxiety. Hate to say it, but you know those people on Tik Tok who (unfortunatly) are bullied on the internet for being... like... huuuuh (wondering how to say that without insulting anyone) like stereotypical? Like... you know those who wants a cat litter in a classroom in a unironical way? Some of her friend were a little extremist on that plan. Again, never really bothered me.
We have two parents, a mom and a dad. They divorced when I was 7. My sister was 3. They never fought in front of us, never heard them, it was really a suprise. They went their separate ways. Me and my sis got used to go to each of them for a week, and then go back to the other for a week. It was fine, working good. My parents are both accountants, my mom teaching it too. I had a strong disagreement with my mom in 2019 about one of her (numerous) boyfriends. The only one i really hated with all my heart. This resulted in me leaving her house for about a year. My sis was still doing 1 week/1 week. Apart of that, my parents are pretty basic ones, never abused us and we always had everything we needed.
I started college. I loved it, still do, and was finally starting my life as an adult, I started a great job, was doing good in school and... was still helping my sister and my parents with her anxiety/ panic attacks. Even learn in my degree how to deal with people who disorganize.
Then, the cutting started. A lot of her friend were doing it, she told me. And then she started having those episodes where she was cutting herself. Never with something sharp, like a knife or else. But with like compass and crayons? Then, she started having suicidal thoughts. Then, and that is where it all went down, she called 911 for suicidal thoughts. She was home alone and the police called my mom.
What had she done? Scratch herself... with a pencil.
I've had panic attacks before. And suicidal thoughts that crossed my mind but I never acted on them. Never. And I can't imagine myself doing it. I talked about it, of course, with my best friend, someone I trusted and it was making me feel better. How did I know my sister was doing that and having those thoughts? She just said it, casually, at dinner with the whole family. Like... girl? It really got the mood down, everyone worried and she was like... glowing? I don't know how to say it.
She was always a bit dramatic and had a way of making everything about herself, but it was never about negative things. More like flexing a good grade or whatever. She was always talking about how depressed she was, how she was suicidal, and the things she was saying were... like straight up a depressing tik tok. Like one day I found something she said ( I think it was like "you don't understand how this feels it is like blablabla i don't remember) WORD FOR WORD in a Tik Tok. It is like she wasn't expressing her feelings, but made up phrases you find on the Internet when you type "panic attacks" or "depression".
After a second call to 911 for taking 10 advils, she got admitted to psychiatry. At that time, I was watching my parents fall appart, running around to appointments for her, my dad having stress acnea (at 45) and both of them exhausted. It was a real drama. Everyone in the family talked about it. It was the only subject of discussion, the only thing that was on everyone's mind.
I was hanging out my seat in class with my phone on my belly to be sure to feel it vibrate if something happened. We were all in a bad place.
And then, we got a diagnosis of autism.
I'm sorry, what? Where does that come from? I mean, alright, we'll deal with that one.
But then. That's where all went down for me. Sis started therapy, changed school, went to an adapted classroom for people like her and with disabilities. My parents were still all over the place.
Except where I needed them.
I was 18, at that time, starting adulthood. I have ADHD. It is really hard for me to respect a schedule, think about every appointments I have, every homework, every luggage I can't forget to bring to mom's or to dad's. I was also giving my all in school, never missed anything, straight A's and working my ass off.
I started realising that everytime my parents texted me was to ask/talk about my sis.
Every. Single. Time.
They'd ask me to bring my sister her lunch that she forgot, to go get her when she was down, or get her to her appointments like I didn't have a whole fu**ing life I was trying so hard to keep on line.
I gave all my free time to her needs and my parents's. I educated myself on autism, defended her when my mom was thinking she was faking because I wanted to prove I was there for her. That I was the life saving good sister. I never, ever, heard her say thank you.
The only compliments my parents were giving me is "thank you for getting your sis for us. Thank you for being there for her. Thank you for doing things with her."
I went trough some stuff, at that time. I hurt my knee and was failing my physical tests. It got to the point I wasn't even sure I liked my degree anymore. I was having a really hard time. But my parents never saw my pain. I have a tendency to hide things, sure, but I was really trying to talk to them about how I was feeling. They were listening, and letting go. Why didn't they start worrying for me like they did for my sister? I don't know, don't really care now. I was having suicidal thoughts too, I wanted to yeet myself in a tree and even stopped driving so it wouldn't give me options. They left me alone, because everytime I tried bringing up the fact that I was not in a good place, my sister was disorganizing at school and they needed to go to the hospital to be both there for her while she fainted from hyperventilating. Every fcking time I was talking to my sister, she was acting like she lived trough everything and was telling me she knew more about suicidal thoughts than me cause she went to psychiatry. Excuse me miss gurl, but who was fcking there to help you trough your panic attacks hun? How do you think I know so much?
Seeing I had practically no support from my already exhausted parents, I took matters into my own hands and started going to therapy. My doctor also prescribed me with anti-depressants. I was going to be ok... on my own. I've had really bad days, real hard ones. But I got back on my two feet. At least, I think so.
School was over and it was time for summer break. I had a job I loved on a boat. I've had a blast on that boat, I wasn't jumping from a house to another, I wasn't always in luggages, I had my own room like a little appartment of my own on the ship. I slowly started to discover a backpacking/adventurous side of myself. I needed air, was travelling far from home as soon as I had a week or two off of the boat.
At the same time, my sister had stopped self-harming and having suicidal thoughts. She's was now in a school for adults to finish her 4th and 5th year of college. She wasn't in a special classroom anymore. Changed friend group.
But here's the thing. Cause there is always a "but".
I started realising how much my sister was toying with us, with my parents. As soon as the diagnosis fell, she became unsufferable. For example, when I say I hate loud noises and strong light, she says she has it tougher because, ya know, "i'm autistic". I can't say something without her saying she has autism and that's why she has it worse.
When I have a good grade or I've hit a PR at the gym, I tell my parents because I am happy. I try to see life the good way, now. I'm quite proud of all the personal work i've done.
But she can't have a normal day.
It is always "ho I hated school because the light was making a sound" or something to point out she has autism.
I talked to one of my friend who is a social worker, and he told me autism is usually apparent in children. My sis was diagnosed at 15. But, and hear me out, all the things that make her autistic according to her psychiatrist... she's never really had them before.
You remember at the beginning of this rant how I told you I know when my sister is lying?
Well. I don't think an autistic person possess the flex of "being able to manipulate people so easily to get what you want".
She's always bragging about how smart she is compared to us because, you know, "ShE cAn FeElS eNeRgiEs AnD pEoPlE AnD iT AfFeCts hEr". Well, honey, I don't think that is autism. It is always little comment about how special she is because she can't do this, or that. Like I have ADHD, alright? I'm stimming all the time. I don't point it out to people for fun, actually, i'm quite ashamed of it sometimes. She bought all those fidget toys and brings them ALL to school to show how much she needs them.
One reason of why I am mad, as you can (unfortunatly) see, is my father's attitude.
The fact that my sis had episodes of suicidal thoughts and acts traumatized him. With reasons, don't get me wrong.
But now, she's clearly living well of drama and stereotypical behavior she never had before.
My father is fucking afraid of telling her no.
Like man, I don't think that if you ask her to unload the dishwasher ONE FUCKI*NG time that she's going to kill herself. Like come on.
One time, she called him cause she fainted cause she was hyperventilating cause the cleaner at her school wore a different hat than usual. Or another time where she learn that two teachers were eating togueter at lunch and not in the cafeteria?
I know my sister. She is clearly using him. She's got him hooked with a silent threat of hurting herself or making it impossible for him to receive a phone call without thinking she committed.
And. She. Fucking. Knows. It.
She left my mother's house because my mom wasn't buying her shit.
She left with all her drama about how she could appologize but she needs her space to think about what she (mom) did.
BRUH did what?!?!?!? It was so sudden, what are you on about?
All her life, she was good at one thing : breaking people's relationship.
I know, because I'm not blind.
She's the type of person that looks at you after saying your deepest secret in front of everyone and be like : "oups teehee🤪 you know i can't keep a secret" or she plays dumb "i didn't know it was a secret oupsis" with this little dumb face that I know by heart means "I win you fuck*ng idiot".
She broke the good relationship my parents had by pretending mom told her something when it wasn't right or vice versa. When she's at dad's, she always talks about all the things mom does that sucks. When she was at mom, she was always talking about how bad it was at dad.
I was in the middle like , bruh, it isn't even that bad. And of course, my parents both being proud individuals started feeling supperior than the other and downgrading the other in front of us (wich you know my sis was repeating over and over to everyone).
But because my parents are fucking blind they let her riled them up against each others. So now they don't talk. And when they do, it is always to argue about how to take care of my sis.
To make a clear example of how she gets everything she wants :
She always tells me that she wants a Mira dog. Like a service dog. She's going to keep creating dramatic scenarios like that until my father cries and decides it is the last option we have.
But no. After the dog, it is going to be another need for neurodivergent people that she's probably going to see on Tik Tok.
Because yes, she faints and yes, she is hyperventilating. But I can create scenario in my head and make them real too (maladaptive daydreaming oups). Anxiety works like that : if I start hyperventilating for 45 seconds, my body jumps to survival mode and the mammoth thing ang boom, there you have your panic attack.
Yes. She is mentally hill.
But she's not autistic. She does not need a service dog. And she can't continue leading people on like that.
She's in need of negative attention. She hates when we compliment her, she hates when we wish her happy brithday and all. But she's always talking about how she did bad at this exam and ho people please comfort me. There's always something going on with her.
She stopped self-harming and having suicidal toughts. People started living normally.
So she restarts panic attacks but she already has a psychiatrist so she needs more.
Lets go to the hospital, something's wrong with my heart. Then she's got the pleasure of walking around school with a machine to record her heart thingy.
Nope. Nothing wrong.
People start forgetting.
Whoops now she's fainting and we don't know why.
Hospital trip yeah.
Nothing's wrong.
Then she buys a machine to keep track of her blood pressure.
Does a doctor prescribed it?
Nope. You can just buy it so she did. And she could do it like in the morning, at lunch or at night, but no, she absolutly needs to do it in front of everyone, making noise in class while the teacher is talking.
And i'm starting to get fed up.
About a year into this nightmare, 3 years ago, I stopped feeling.
I wasn't able to feel anything. And that is why, today, I can write this and unfortunatly for some, it will be controversial.
After my downfall, when my sister was in need...
I did not care.
At all.
She could do whatever she wanted to do. She could have as much trip to the hospital as she wanted.
I . Did . Not . Care .
I was going to class.
And my phone was on silent.
I don't want to know. I don't care. Don't you get it? Mom, dad, leave me alone. You did it well, right? Continue.
I am an horrible human being. My best friend tries to comfort me saying that my heart of stone is a form of self-protection, a defense mechanism that I developped 3 years to protect myself and not live trough what my sister put us trough without knowing (or caring?).
I am an egoist.
But I do not care.
You want to make me feel like a glass child?
Alright alright.
I'll deal with it.
But now the glass is fed up.
And it is about to break.
Good bye and thank you for coming all the way here.
submitted by CKain08 to FamilyIssues [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 07:04 we_were_on_a_break__ 95% of Muslims don’t know their head from their ass

Muslims think they’re following Islam when the only thing they do is pray (not knowing what they’re saying), fast (no idea why), perform Hajj (like its some sort of ritual bc lets face it, it has turned into one), sacrifice animals on Eid (without even trying to study why), read the Quran (without knowing what it means without even trying to research the language).
It is exactly because of this that Islam is dying.
First thing’s first.
It is literally written in the Quran:
  1. The story of Adam is a metaphor IT DIDNT ACTUALLY HAPPEN. its a metaphor for mankind
  2. The story of Lut? THEY WERE NOT GAY. THEY NEGLECTED AND OPPRESSED THEIR WOMEN, much like in south asian countries. Society can properly function if both sexes equally contribute to it. If you lock up women at home what do you think is going to happen?! Quran does not say anything about homosexuality, if it did why would it only be mentioned in one chapter. Which again IT ISN’T.
  3. Mary wasn’t a virgin SHE HAD A HUSBAND
  4. Salah does NOT mean prayer. IT MEANS ESTABLISHING GOD’S SYSTEM.
  5. ALCOHOL IS NOT HARAM. it is simply recommended that you don’t indulge in intoxication when establishing god’s system (salah). Cuz dude, it really is bad for you.
  6. THERE IS A LITERAL LIST IN THE QURAN OF WHAT IS HARAM and alcohol is not part of it. Neither is silk, or showing your head or whatever you’ve been taught.
  7. HEAVEN AND HELL ARE NOT PLACES they are states of mind.
  8. Angels are not CREATURES WITH WINGS. They are forces of nature; gravity etc.
  9. The devil does NOT HAVE HORNS. That is your baser human desire; your id. ITS A PART OF HUMANS.
  10. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE WILLS but in case you die intestate only in that case your daughter will get half of your son’s because she gets half of her husband.
  12. SOLOMON DID NOT COMMAND JINNS FFS. He had a very efficient battalion.
  14. THERE IS NO CONCEPT OF MUFTI’S AND/OR ISLAMIC TEACHERS. The only teacher you’re supposed to follow is the Prophet. And since people get the hadith wrong you’re supposed to study it yourself figure out which ones are right ON YOUR OWN. You can’t believe everything idk Bukhari says.
  16. you CAN date, you just cant fuck.
submitted by we_were_on_a_break__ to exmuslim [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 07:03 xlorenaah Finding out if my crush is into woman/flirting with her

Okay so I’ve been going to the gym for a year now and everyday I would see this beautiful woman who I didn’t think much of at first. I started to go to the gym at 4 am every day and she would come up to me here and there to help me with form, she offered to even spot me whenever I needed. I would get really nervous around her, but I only thought it was because I was nervous for her to correct my form and I was embarrassed lol. Well I wasn’t very consistent at the gym at first, but fast forward to January of this year I made a promise to myself I would be more consistent for my goals. As I started to go more often and saw her every day I had a need within me to talk to her, and tell her how amazing she is for being so consistent, I finally built up the courage to do so and I asked her how she does it because I was finding it Incredibly hard to come every day at 4 am. Whatever, cool conversation. This whole time I just thought I admired how cool she was for showing up everyday! We didn’t talk much after this, we just say daily good mornings. A month later, we spoke again, I complimented her set and she complimented my outfit. I asked her how she got into fitness, and I told her my story. We both are moms, I have a 2 yr old and she has 2 children. We exchanged phone numbers, texted a little bit and also worked out together twice. Within the past month I’ve realized I have a huge crush on her but I didn’t act because I was still in a relationship with my sons father, which didn’t feel right to me and I knew I had to end it. I eventually realized I am into this woman, I think she’s really beautiful and I want to get to know her more. Last Friday I came out to my sons father and told him everything so we’ve been broken up since then and now I just want to approach her again but I just feel awkward because she obviously doesn’t know I’m into her, idk if she likes girls and I’m such a baby gay I have too much anxiety to flirt with her. 😭 😩 y’all this is nerve wrecking
submitted by xlorenaah to latebloomerlesbians [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 06:52 wokenthehive My tier list for the prompts on Hinge

This is purely my opinion (as a man seeking woman) on how I rank the current prompts available on Hinge from best to worst.

S-tier prompts

Good prompts

The whatever prompts

Bad prompts

Trash tier prompts

No opinion

These prompts are in the LGBTQ category.
Voice first prompts - women in my experience rarely use voice prompts
Self-care prompts
So that's all the current prompts available for people on Hinge. What do you all think?
submitted by wokenthehive to hingeapp [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 06:44 g78453 Why do I feel the need to beat myself up, and how do I stop? Am I just a bad person?

To make an incredibly long story short... after a chain of events and a couple mental spirals, I've started to realize I have this really maladaptive behavior. It has never occurred to me that this would upset other people or be harmful since my intentions were to express accountability and recognition, or to de-escalate a tense situation, and oftentimes I am not in my right mind when I say or do these things so I'm not always thinking or reasoning clearly, but the more I think about it the more I've begun to understand. I tried googling a bit since I don't have anybody else to ask for answers and came up with nothing. I'm not sure many other people do this...
So like. Tl;dr, when I feel afraid that someone is upset with me for something I have done and I feel the urge to apologize (which I do often, this is another bad habit I need to work on...) I tend to put myself down a lot in the process. Like I go for a straight up verbal self-flogging to whoever I think is upset. After realizing that I do this, as up to this point it was like. Purely reflexive and instinctual; didn't even notice I was doing it, the words slip out as I feel intensely afraid or threatened that if I don't say these things stuff will get worse or I'll suffer some kind of physical or emotional pain... I've been racking my brain to try and figure out the reason behind this instinct and I am confounded.
I have been convinced for way too long that this behavior was actually helpful in de-escalating tension and that I was acting in a way that was morally right by taking accountability of my negative actions, and was displaying that I was willing to accept consequences for them, or maybe shrinking myself so small that whoever is upset feels like I am not a threat to them or that I'm too pitiful to pick on or something. After a messy situation it's started to occur to me that to outsiders this is not only super weird and unpleasant, but can also implicate the other party that you think they feel this incredibly hostile way about you, I think?
Usually the conversation about self hatred is about internal feelings, which I have in spades don't get me wrong, but I can't find much advice or insight online about externalizing these thoughts in an attempt to de-escalate a tense social situation...
I was bullied pretty terribly all throughout my primary education and quite a bit online since then, and have been living with my family, which is rife with untreated mental illness and dysfunction but could easily be worse. Other than that I have no history of abuse or trauma or anything. I'm not sure any of that even counts.
Where could I have picked up the idea that sacrificing myself in such a way was helpful behavior navigating conflict? Has anybody else got experience with this?
And like. People in my life are very upset with me for engaging in this behavior. To the point where they are not willing to explain or talk to me about what happened or how they're feeling or what they're thinking... I've been mostly ghosted by everybody I used to talk to regularly and am left questioning how to speak to anybody I have left
But I'm not sure how to make it up to them (if they ever decide to talk to me again...) without continuing to put myself down... All I ever do is blame myself already, and falling into that loop once again will only make them angrier. But dodging accountability for my actions is selfish and irresponsible and again I already worry quite obsessively that I am abusive and narcissistic even though I don't share much in common with the narcissist mindset and I don't knowingly engage in any type of behavior to control or exert power over anybody, or to get what I want from them without having to ask. Like I said I feel it is instinctual and reflexive, I do it without thinking much about it as a self defense measure but obviously it has the opposite effect that I think it does... But trying to explain this during an apology is just more centering of my own feelings and experiences in a situation where I was in the wrong. The intention and the reason for harm never matters, it never erases the harm...
Am I just a "covert narcissist" who doesn't know they want to control people, or is unaware that they have an elevated self perception? I cannot fathom what other rational motivation for this could be...
Before anybody says anything I'm fully aware that this displays a gross lack of social grace and neuroticism. I've been this way my entire life. I suspect I may also be autistic but I dodged a diagnosis of that in my youth and don't know if getting one now would be worth it. I am also working with a professional but most of my spiraling and thinking about this has been between appointments.
Am I just a bad person? Is there anything I can do?
submitted by g78453 to DecidingToBeBetter [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 06:02 Diabrete123 Military Gay

Anyone here is or was in the military? what's it like to be gay in the military? And how is the love life in that environment? Some story?
submitted by Diabrete123 to askgaybros [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 05:45 Tom_Crewze I don't understand

I don't understand the concept of they/thems and gender fluidness. It's trips me over and gets really out of hand in my opinion, it's typically associated with a specific policatal alignment but I don't think it should be, no science should be but for reason we have associated it with it. It seems the entire world is falling apart and deciding because of it. What drives it? Why is it so import to some people? There are even people who have no part to play in it yet are on the extremist side of supporting it. I don't mind the gays lesbians and bis I'm completely fine with that, but I'll be one the people who keep my values and halt at pedofiles, and activities that can be associated or pedofilia is implied, those people can be die, cancel me I guess my mind isnt changing.
Back to the point, gender issues. Why cant you just be either a man or a woman as you were born? Trans, yeah I don't accept it I think it's weird but it's a thing, it's not going anywhere and I'll never take active steps to try and take someones right to have a surgical genital transition. But I will say adding it to children's education is a step in the wrong direction. It's confusing, and skewed. We as humanity are on a downward spiral in pretty much all aspects of what governs human existance.
If we make it another 200yrs, which I'm doubtful of, and we are looked at in the histories they/them are either going to laugh hysterically or be mortified by us.
submitted by Tom_Crewze to confessions [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 05:31 blueboy26 Just wanted to write something

Hey all, this has been my recent home for the past few weeks since I was broken up with about a week ago from my 4 year relationship.
Hearing stories of hope, hate, love.... stories of moving on and mourning has really helped me process what's going on.
During the start of our break up, she blocked me on all of her social medias, phone number as well as having her family block my number too. She is having some personal issues, when they first arose i didn't really help physically, emotionally or financially. I was a dick.
Realising this i tried to win her back. Texts, calls, letters, trying to arrange visits.
I did this daily, sometimes even calling her *67 just so i could hear her voice. I resorted to messaging on whatever access i still had... Whatsapp, Soundcloud and email... pathetic hey.
Ranging from the "Im Sorry", "Please" to "How are things going? I've been etc etc" with no reply.
Until she threatened to put a restraining order for contacting her so much 2 days ago.
So it really just hit me, i am a fucking douchebag.. if i really loved her i would give her space
Ive been 2 days into no contact since, i dont think it'll ever get easier but im ready to move on... i have since gained financial stability, created a routine to get healthier. I know it takes time, im working on it.
I've stopped drinking, sadly I have picked up smoking again though, didnt think i would but here i am rolling cigarette after cigarette.
I feel like im just ranting at this point, it feels nice to. I dont have many friends, if any that i can talk to these things about maturely.. i guess i just like speaking into an empty void, thats what i did by messaging her.. knowing she would read these things and not message back... casuing her to spiral worse and delay her healing.
My question is...
Why do i feel better after she threatened to put a restraining order on me? Is this narcissistic ?
Why do i feel like there could still be a chance? Knowing this, am i healing? Where am i at?

Dont worry, i wont be contacting her again. But i really hope she reaches out one day
thanks for listening guys
submitted by blueboy26 to ExNoContact [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 05:07 Flat_Boysenberry4583 I think I broke myself

Look here's a long story and I really don't know how to talk about. I think I'm a straight man who's addicted to gay porn. Before you ask I don't think I'm in denial, I genuinely believe I am straight. I have dated a few guys and the feelings I get when I went out with them are nothing compared to when I go out with girls. Yet when I watch porn straight porn doesn't interest me really. What I think it goes back to is when I started to look at porn I was always told don't look at women that way and so I didn't but my brain never said anything about guys and so I saw that as a loophole. A huge part of my mission was discovering more about myself and trying to build courage, eventually it all came out. 2 years ago I said enough was enough and decided to start dating guys and everything I was expecting to feel wasn't there. There was no attraction on my end it was just another guy. But when I would date girls it would always be the same feelings even if it never went anywhere. Feelings like this person is amazing, there smart, funny or some other thing. I saw myself going places with them. And now I'm trying to kick the habit and start more seriously dating and all I can think about is what happens now. I'm scared to give it up because it was something that provided me with comfort when I felt alone and I'm afraid now that if I give it up I'll just be alone. Thank y'all for listening and I'm sorry if this doesn't meet group criteria.
submitted by Flat_Boysenberry4583 to MormonandGay [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 04:56 CaptainDreadEye A while back, I asked why a story I intentionally made to suck... well, sucked. I come back with more elaborate details, and the same question.

I had this idea for a story that exists within another story. I don't what exactly brought it to mind, but I think the idea was something that was bad in the universe the story exists in. Something that came out in the 90s that mainstream people praised for inclusion, but actual gay people realized was garbage at the time, and only now is the mainstream starting to realize it was garbage.
So, it's sometime in the 90's in a small town. A high school boy we'll call Martin is in the closet, and wants to go to the prom with Blake, another boy who has come out.
Martin decides he wants to make a splash with the ask, and starts by asking out a girl named Lucy. Lucy is effectively the bottom of the food chain in high school when it come to popularity and doesn't have a boyfriend, and she eagerly accepts.
As the story progresses, Lucy falls for Martin, kissing him and even offering to sleep with him (which he doesn't accept). He grows disgusted by her, since she wants to be with him even though he's gay.
The night of the prom comes, and Blake takes Lucy up to the stage. There, he reveals that he's gay. He then calls out Lucy for how horrible she's been for wanting to be with him, and admits that kissing her and seeing her in her underwear were the most disgusting things. As she runs away, he properly asks Blake to the prom, and he accepts, where the two dance the night away while the rest of the kids, learning how being gay is normal, celebrate them.
Martin and Blake go on to leave their town to be among people who get them more, while as comeuppance, Lucy stays the bottom of the food chain for the rest of school and becomes a pariah for what she did to Martin.
So, in your own words... what the fuck with this story?
submitted by CaptainDreadEye to lgbt [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 04:50 Adorable-Climate6915 Digital Codes for Sale

Looking to sell digital codes. This is a draft of a list, but I'll make a more formal post on the DigiCodeSell Thread

All codes are HD unless indicated by a (4K)
Payments through PayPal and Venmo (DM me)
Digital Codes List:
12 Years a Slave
13 Hours: Benghazi
1917 (HD/4K)
3 Days to Kill
47 Meters Down
47 Meters Down Uncaged
Addams Family 2
Aladdin (Live Action)
Alex Cross
Alice in Wonderland (Original)
Alita: Battle Angel (4K)
All Eyez on Me
All the Money in the World
Amazing Spiderman 2
American Assassin
American Hustle (SD)
Angry Birds 2 (4K)
A Simple Favor
Avengers Endgame
Avengers Infinity War
Batman 2021 (4K)
Bad Boys 4 Life
Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (4K)
Begin Again
The Big Short
Birds of Prey
Candyman (2021)
Captain America Winter Soldier
Captain Marvel (4K)
A Christmas Story 2
City of Lies
Crazy Stupid Love
Dawn of the Planey of the Apes
Deepwater Horizon
The Devil Inside
Dirty Dancing (30th Aniv Ed.)
Dirty Grandpa
Django Unchained
Doctor Strange
Dolphin Tale 2
Downton Abbey
Dragged Across Concrete
The Drop
Dune (4K)
Dying of the Light
Edge of Tomorrow
Edward Scissorhands
Ender’s Game
Ex Machina (4K/HD)
Expendables 2
Expendables 3
F9 The Fast Saga (4K)
Fast and Furious 6
Fast and Furious: Hobbs & Shaw
The Fate of the Furious (4K)
Finding Dory
First Cow
First Man (4K)
Five Feet Apart
Ford v Ferrari (HD/4K)
Frozen 2 (4K)
The Gentlemen
Get Out
Ghost in the Shell (4K)
Girls Trip
Gone Girl
The Greatest Showman
The Green Knight
Guardians of the Galaxy
Hacksaw Ridge
The Hateful Eight
Hellboy (2019)
Hell or High Water
The Hitman’s Bodyguard
The Hitman’s Wife Bodyguard (HD/4K)
Hobbit: Unexpected Journey
Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies
Hotel Mumbai
Hotel Transylvania
How to Train Your Dragon 2
The Hunger Games
Hunger Games Mockingjay Pt 2
Hunter Killer
I Can Only Imagine
I, Frankenstein
Independence Day Resurgence
The Invisible Man
I Still Believe
Iron Man 3
Jigsaw (4K/HD)
John Wick
John Wick 2
John Wick 3 (4K)
Julie and Julia
Jupiter Ascending
King Richard
The Knick Season 1
Knives Out (4K/HD)
Lady Bird
La La Land
The Last Duel
Last Night in Soho
Les Misérables
Let Him Go
Licorice Pizza
Lion King (original)
Lion King (Live Action)
Logan Lucky
The Longest Ride
The Losers
The Lucky One
Mad Max: Fury Road
Manchester by the Sea
Man of Steel
Matrix Resurrections
The Mechanic: Resurrection
Me, Earl and the Dying Girl
MIB International (4K)
Men in Black 3 (4K)
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates
Miss Peregrine’s Home for Extraordinary Children
Moana (4K/HD)
Mortal Kombat (2020) (4K)
My Little Pony: The Movie
News of the World
The Night Before
Nobody (4K)
Now You See Me
Now You See Me 2
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
Patriots Day
Pitch Perfect
Pitch Perfect 2
Pride and Glory
Project X
Promising Young Woman
Queen and Slim
Ready Player One (HD/4K)
Requiem for a Dream (4K)
Rise of the Guardians
Rock Dog
Run All Night
The Rhythm Section
Saw (4K)
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
Schinder’s List
Scott Pilgrim vs the World (4K)
Scouts Guide to the Apocalypse
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
The Shape of Water
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
Snow White and the Huntsman
Soul (4K/HD)
Spiderman No Way Home
Spiral: Book of Saw (4K/HD)
The Spectacular Now
Spiderman: Homecoming
Spiderman: Far From Home
The Spy Who Dumped Me
Star Trek: Beyond
Star Trek: Into Darkness
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Suicide Squad (2021)
Survive the Game
Tenet (4K/HD)
Terminator Salvation
Thor: The Dark World
Thor Ragnarok
Toy Story 4 (4K)
Transformers: Dark Knight (HD/4K)
The Trust
Tyler Perry’s A Madea Family Funeral
Uncut Gems
Under the Skin
Venom Let There be Carnage
While We’re Young
Why Him?
Wind River
The Witch
The Wolf of Wallstreet
Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman 1984
Words on Bathroom Walls
Wreck it Ralph: Ralphs Breaks the Internet
X-Men Apocalypse
You Were Never Really Here
You’re Next
Zero Dark Thirty
submitted by Adorable-Climate6915 to u/Adorable-Climate6915 [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 04:48 coconutpills Drag Queen Pistol Hour

New idea: Drag Queen Pistol (or Rifle, or Shotgun, etc.) Hour
I would love to get other people's opinions on this, and if it gains any traction, I'd want to look more into how to start events like these.
submitted by coconutpills to WitchesVsPatriarchy [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 04:46 plausiblegamer Some interesting info that Ethan might want to see, about Sebastian's gay sex book and his "illustrious" real estate career

So I actually have some insight on a couple of the random things that this wise guy brought up during the interview yesterday.
A little while back, a friend of mine who leans more conservative brought up this exact same "book that teaches kids about gay sex" and I had the same reaction that the crew had, of assuming that this was another thing that the right wingers were blowing out of proportion. I did some quick research and found what my friend was talking about, which I assume is what Sebastian saw. She originally saw it on TikTok and I was able to trace it back to the infamous "Libs of Tiktok." (You know, the one that doxes LGBTQ+ people to try to get them murdered) While the reaction is over the top, it is a real book that was available in school libraries, as you can see from fact checkers at Snopes here. As the Snopes article notes, it wasn't a required part of the curriculum and was just available at the school library for students that wanted to seek out information about their sexuality, especially in Florida if they didn't have accepting families. As the book pointed out, at this point in their schooling those students should have already learned about specifically straight sex in sex education. So this book, assuming it is what Sebastian was referencing, was just a book attempting to bring some parity to gay students' sex ed, or to help them if they were questioning their sexuality.
Sebastian also mentioned when he was telling his "inspiring" life story that one of the things that he allegedly did to become rich was getting into real estate. I happen to have a friend from Arizona who actually has worked in real estate adjacent fields in the state, who just happened to look up Sebastian in the Arizona Department of Real Estate public database out of curiosity, since his history in the field is a matter of public record. If you want to see this data, here it is. As you can see, he was only a salesperson for 3 months before leaving the company. We can't tell much more than that, but even relative to his age this doesn't really seem like he probably ended up being all that successful during that step of his "inspiring" life story. Not a huge bombshell or anything, just thought it was interesting that this is one of his bullet points of how great he is, but it seems to be mostly a negligible career.
submitted by plausiblegamer to h3h3productions [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 04:36 Asking4urFriend Holy Shit! Grindr! What do I do?

Just installed app, posted one pic of face/shoulders and I am getting absolutely blown up by guys with dick pics and invitations to come over. I feel like I accidentally catfish3d these guys. Explaining what a t-dick is to obtuse guys isn't a turn on. I feel overwhelmed, but also intrigued by this side of queer culture. Any stories/advice/ cautionary tales/happy experiences on app are welcome. I'm pre surgery, one year on T. Im a verse, but guys seemed confused by that here. Its all very lewd and exciting. I thought I'd get a hit or two from some trans folks. Not a barrage of gay cis guys.
submitted by Asking4urFriend to ftm [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 04:33 cravnraven I (32NB) don’t know if I want to invite my dad (60M) to my wedding

I’m planning my wedding for next year and I am struggling with whether or not I want to ask my dad to walk me down the isle, or if I want to invite him at all to be honest. Growing up I was always an daddy’s girl. I loved to copy him and it was very obvious he was my favorite. My family was insanely messed up in reality - my mom openly favored my older brother to the point of hiding all the ways my brother abused me even from my dad. (It is a long story that boils down to my brother was the miracle replacement child to her first child that she lost. It was often my mom and brother vs me and my dad.
A few years ago my mom almost died and had several life changing realizations. She came to me and genuinely apologized for my childhood. She has actually followed through and changed her behavior greatly so we have a much better relationship now. She is supportive and understanding.
My dad and I have been growing farther and farther apart. He is very religious and holds to his very conservative beliefs. He is completely against anything LGBTQ+. Wherein lies the problem.
I am non-binary and pansexual, which he doesn’t know about. I never told him and never introduced him to my any of my girlfriends. I present cis enough and am marrying a man so it isn’t an obvious problem. But he does make comments every now and then, especially with the political landscape being what it is right now. He has already disowned my older brother for being gay and trans. (I already cut him out years ago due to the abuse so he won’t be there for my dad to confront anyways.)
I am really struggling because growing up I always wanted him to walk me down the isle and be a big part of the wedding. I would think about songs that would be good for our father daughter dance. But knowing that he genuinely believes people like me are evil and need to burn in hell, and he also supports the politicians trying to make our existence illegal, I don’t know if I actually want him or his very catholic side of the family there at all. He lives halfway across the country so it has been easier to just limit our topics of conversation and keep parts of me separate. I really don’t know what I wanna to do.
submitted by cravnraven to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 04:32 lolpolice88 Moe mai ra e te rangatira, beautiful, dauntless Georgina Beyer (Te Āti Awa, Ngāti Mutunga, Ngāti Raukawa, and Ngāti Porou). Staunch intelligent Rights fighter, world's first Trans MP

Saturday 25th March, 10.30am, Albert Square, Auckland & Sunday 26th March 1.30pm, Civic Square, Wellington there are defences for Trans rights against a 'Penny Patero' a British Right Wing Neo Nazi Grifter. Our Labour MP's have capitulated to hate that incites murder, by letting this vile bitch in, hoping to catch a fantasy middle ground vote and use Patero to drive votes to their allied Parties in Parliament - when what we all wanted was the guts Jacinda had and no more playing games with murderous, scumbag altwhite supremacist, incel, neonazi, right wing vermin. Kia ora Jacinda for not grasping for power and potentially turning in to a Helen Clarke who fucked all Maori over with the Foreshore Pakeha theft for her dead British Queen & her race & reinvaded Tuhoe under an American War of Terror environment hoping to win racist coloniser votes. Fuck National, ACT, TPU, the colonial church cults, altwhite scum and any cunt who supports them. Lets hope decent journos dont platform them like they did those colonial canadian scum. We all know the dying talkback radio scum will. Labour needs to grow some guts and deal to these right wing terrorist networks who forced theirs & our best leader out, the right wingers already fought dirty and scored violent hits. You have the power, grow some guts. Maori Party & Greens are standing strong but we all shouldn't have to waste our time fighting the obvious. Get organised to vote & advocate for better & throw these bigots in the bin. These shitty trolls dont care about women, else they'd be in America fighting for womens rights or elsewhere, they're part of a global right wing hate movement clawing away at power through media & digital means, which needs more than local performative gestures and offloading on to others. Ian Mucks, Peter File, Fuckerberg are all getting the data and power without a fight, given a chance for a clean break everyone flocked back for attention just like they wanted and Peter File is about to fuck the NHS good. It's the plan they have for all of us. Jacinda ought to be a beginning to a more confident and articulate step up past the drama of shit throwing right wing noise and on to a wider aim.

Matangireia S2 Episode 2: Georgina Beyer RNZ
Georgina Beyer knows all about breaking barriers – becoming the first transgender MP in the world. But what is her biggest regret as a Māori MP in Parliament?
“A disaster, an absolute nightmare… it was one of the largest proposed confiscations from Māori, in modern times”.
The former Labour Party MP describes the fallout over the Foreshore and Seabed legislation to Matangireia presenter Scott Campbell.
Beyer never shies away from the painful path she took to becoming one of New Zealand’s most trailblazing politicians.
Beyer’s list of achievements are extensive – a drag queen, a sex worker, an actor, an activist, a Mayor, and a MP.
In fact, when elected in 1999, she was the world’s first transgender Member of Parliament, becoming known for her bold and colourful exterior.
But her story is one of pain, adversity, and fear – and it’s also one of courage and bravery.
Beyer was born George. Her biological father was a policeman who was sent to jail, leaving her mother to fend for herself and two young children.
Raised by her grandparents, until her mother remarried, she describes life in the Beyer household as “mildly well-off”. Her stepfather Colin was a barrister and solicitor.
From around four years old, Beyer started to secretly express her feminine side through theatre, dressing up and acting.
“If I was caught or discovered, or anything like that, it would be dealt with physical punishment, corporal punishment – beatings, hidings, things like that, to beat it out of me.”
At 16 years old, George became Georgina, but the abuse followed her from home to the streets.
As a sex worker, she was confronted daily with physical and verbal abuse from members of the public.
“It drove me to suicide… to attempt suicide on three times, in my young life,” Beyer said, “I had been pack-raped in Sydney in 1979, which was a terrifying, horrifying experience, and the law didn’t defend me.”
Georgina Beyer as a child Photo: Supplied / Georgina Beyer
After working in a gay night club in Auckland, she moved from the glitzy lights of Karangahape Road to conservative back blocks of the Wairarapa.
It was in Carterton Beyer’s career in politics began.
Working as a part-time radio announcer (alongside Paul Henry, who she later beat in the 1999 General Election), she decided to run for council.
She missed out, but she tried again, and again. Eventually becoming a councillor and, in 1995, the Mayor of Carterton.
“I’m the Mayor, okay, where’s the handbook on this job?” she said, “There isn’t any, but I now was in this position and I thrived in it, absolutely thrived in it.”
Being eloquent and not afraid to speak her mind, Parliament beckoned next.
Standing for the Labour Party in 1999, Beyer won the safe blue seat of Wairarapa with a majority of 3,033 votes. She was the first transgender woman elected to office.
However, in 2004, she faced one of the toughest challenges of her life. To choose her party, or her people.
“Oh, a disaster, an absolute nightmare”.
The Government, under Helen Clark, had just announced the Foreshore and Seabed legislation, effectively removing Māori claims to ownership over beaches and waterways.
The news came as a shock to the Labour Party’s Māori caucus.
“We were all quite taken aback that an announcement had been made, with no consultation with anyone in the Māori caucus.
“At the end of day, it was one of the largest proposed confiscations from Māori in modern times”.
One by one, the Māori caucus “fell into line”. The last three to do so were Beyer, Nanaia Mahuta, and Tariana Turia.
Beyer didn’t hold a Māori constituency and felt she had no mandate from Māori to speak up strongly on their behalf like the rest of her Māori colleagues.
“I was just so torn, but actually I didn’t have to be steeped in tikanga Māori to understand that this was wrong, wrong, wrong.
“I vowed and declared from that time on that I would never be torn between who and what I am as far as my heritage is concerned, and political expediency”.
So, what did she think of the former Prime Minister Helen Clark?
“I was never very close to Helen, at all, really,” Beyer said.
"I was not within her inner, outer, or extra-outer circle, really. I was just a cannon fodder backbench MP”.
She became further isolated when she asked to abstain from the vote.
“I can almost pinpoint my beginning of the end of my political career in Parliament on that Foreshore and Seabed thing. I felt defeated and I felt impotent.”
But that wasn’t the end.
She stayed for another two years traveling to Parliaments across the world to talk on gender issues.
Reflecting on her story today, she’s proud of the road she’s taken.
“You can’t live in your victim-hood all the time, you can’t wallow in it, you gotta learn from it. Move on and change it and change what created that."
“And I hope I’ve been able to do a bit of that”.
In 2018, Alex Casey spoke to Georgina Beyer, the world’s first transgender mayor and MP, about her extraordinary life.
This interview contains references to sexual assault and suicide, please take care.
Sex work and politics are pretty much the same trade, according to Georgina Beyer at least. During her time as an MP, she would strut through the halls of parliament, calling her comrades to arms by asking them if they were all ready to “get out on the streets and sell their butts”. They didn’t seem to fancy that comparison very much. “Look, honey, you’re soliciting yourself either way,” she told me over the phone, chuckling. “One’s just for votes, the other for money. One advertises on billboards, the other advertises in the back pages of The Dominion Post.
If there was anyone who could speak to the overlap of these very specific sets of skills, it’s Beyer. The world’s first transgender mayor who went on to be the world’s first elected transgender member of parliament, as well as a former sex worker, screen actress, and kidney transplant survivor, she’s lived a thousand lives to get to where she is today – right now, she is in the Wellington suburb of Kilbirnie, on the phone to me, an ex-Wairarapa kid who grew up under her groundbreaking reign back in the late 90s.
I asked her how things have changed for the LGBTQIA+ community in her lifetime. “When I started transitioning, I quickly realised that it was a cruel world for people like us. I had to go down avenues I would never have considered.” Unable to get a ‘real’ job, or any benefits outside of claiming a “psychosexual disorder” for the sickness benefit, she felt like she had no choice but to join the sex industry. “It was a brutal time, but there was a strange camaraderie in that nobody else would support us, not even our government institutions.”
One night in Sydney in 1979, Beyer was sexually assaulted by a group of men. “People asked me why I didn’t report it to the police. As if the law was going to protect me? A Māori tranny prostitute? Yeah, right.” Following the traumatic attack, Georgina found herself depressed and near suicide for months. “Once I got out the other end, it gave me a real fire in my belly. That shouldn’t have happened to me. That shouldn’t happen to anyone without being taken seriously.” She swore that she would try and change attitudes by example, which meant living a proud, public life as a trans woman.
It was the goal of visibility that drove Georgina to pursue a pre-politics acting career, including the 1985 film Jewel’s Darl, where she played a trans prostitute. “For the time, that was quite unusual, to look at people like us not as caricatures, but real people with real lives.” Although she burned all of her old belongings the night she transitioned, Georgina didn’t completely erase what she calls “the other parts of me”. “Men tend to forget that I can still access the same psyche as them. If they want to come down hard with the firm, staunch, brow-beating thing, well, I can play that game too, baby.”
Decades after her time working in the sex industry, Georgina found herself campaigning for prostitution reform in parliament. Given her own experience, she was shocked at some of the misconceptions held by the public around sex work. “They thought it was all deviants and not their husbands, their brothers, their uncles – it’s ordinary people.” As, unsurprisingly, the only former sex worker in the house, her speech to the chamber changed the minds of three MPs, passing the legislation that would decriminalise sex work. “It was the thinnest bloody margin you could have, but we got there in the end.”
So how in the flaming hell did a conservative, white, scarecrow-festival-hosting, mid-90s Wairarapa vote to become one of the wokest places in the world? “I think I was just a breath of fresh air. What people responded to was honesty, being straight up, being approachable – I would go to everything from a bloody party in a woolshed to judging sheep races out at Castle Point.” Carterton became known for something more than daffodils, and the more traditional locals slowly learned to “look beyond the end of their noses.”
When she made the decision to run for Labour in the Wairarapa in 1999, Beyer didn’t actually think she had a chance in hell of winning. She wasn’t being humble – nobody else did either. Although she had been the mayor of Carterton for five years, the Wairarapa was a National Party stronghold, and her opposing candidate was a plucky, popular radio host by the name of Paul Henry. He questioned her ability to be “serious person” because she was trans. “I thought I’d just have some fun and kick a few butts” Georgina recalled. “Bugger me! Look what happened!”
Georgina won with a 3000+ vote majority, making Paul Henry officially kicked in the butt and making her, officially, a “serious” public figure. Local attitudes had evolved, best summarised by the elderly farmer who had previously voted National all his life. “This year I’m voting for Georgina Beyer,” he was quoted in her documentary Georgie Girl, “because she’s a damn good chap.” Did she mind the misgendering? “If that was the only way a conservative 80 year-old farmer was be able to absorb and accept me, then I’m happy with that. That’s still progress.”
Although she has regrets from her eight years in parliament – her stance on foreshore and seabed was a “mistake” that marked “the beginning of the end” of her political career – Beyer stands by her contribution to the Civil Union bill and prostitution reform. “You have to remember: law is easy to change, attitudes throughout a country are not. It takes generations and role models to show the nation that we’re not the horrible, demented, crazy people they might think we are.” The work is far from done yet, with Beyer’s latest focus on applying to the Waitangi Tribunal to get Takatāpui included in the Human Rights Act.
I asked Beyer if she still encountered prejudice in her life, or the hangover of trans-exclusionary attitudes from fellow women. “People still regard the gender thing as being relatively recent in our modern history, but we’ve been around for millennia. Fa’afafine. Takatāpui. When you have words in languages to include us, that should send a message that this didn’t happen last week.” What about the TERF mindset that still lingers in some modern day feminists, that reckons trans women aren’t real women? “It’s an old, lazy argument. Don’t worry about us encroaching on your world. We’re just trying to improve our lot in this life, just like the women’s movement did for you.”
To anyone, young or old, who might currently be questioning their own gender identity, her expert advice is to access professional information as soon as possible, and to seek out like-minded groups of people in the community. “You are going to need people to give you moral support, who think the same as you and know what you are going through. Don’t be afraid, there are far too many young trans people who are dying through suicide because they feel like this world isn’t built for them anymore.” Georgina paused for a moment as her voice cracked.
“It is, baby. It is.”
Although she has now retired from the political sphere, Beyer remains inspired by young LGBTQIA+ activists continuing the fight for access to healthcare, work and education. She admits that she never thought trans and gender issues would ever be taken seriously in her lifetime, and quickly slipped back into that same, rousing cadence that made her speeches so famous in the chamber. “I have spent the better part of my life trying to make things better for this generation. My faith now lies with this younger generation to stand on my shoulders, just as I stood on the shoulders of those who went before me. I’ve done my bit to move the needle, now it’s your turn.”
As for everyone else? “They need to just shut up and let us get on with being who we are.”
Where to find support
OutLine NZ – Freephone 0800 OUTLINE (0800 688 5463)
Rainbow Youth – Phone (09)3764155
InsideOUT – Phone 027 331 4507
Gender Minorities Aotearoa
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2023.03.24 04:24 PreviousCycle7527 As an asain 25 year old Nepali younger male I am tired of searching for older man the love of my life.

Tldr: Curse of having attractions towards older men coming from third wold nation.
I don't know how long you guys have to wait to find love of your life. Since, the day I rember i am always attracted towards older men from my math teacher to random old dude walking in the street this has been a curse and suffering for me its been like 10 years I came to understand that i find I am insanely older guys attractive. Infact , i come from the non gay friendly nation so when I was kid I made this plan that if my parents arranged marry me with the girl I would love to fuck her father. This was just stupid thinking of mine. I have tried going on a cruise on search of older men. I have tried attending every pride moment to find older men. Yet couldn't find one. I go to bed every night feeling and wake up every day. I jerk on porn on the extreme case of lonliness to feel relief or go on a running every morning check out on the old folks going for jogging.
I have tried almost every dating app. Infact i encounter so many nice men but internet things never worked out for me excluding the trust issue internet, time zone and so many things that makes me more harder to build the relationship. I have seen so many successful stories of men moving from European or African and latino even Filipino, Indian moving to other nations for the marriage. But somehow i always failed to have someone that way. I am fully broke this attraction has affected my study. I fear i won't be getting job because of my ongoing depression cause by lack of older man.
I am young but I am tired of finding the love of my life. Infact, I am already depressed with the fact i cannot live and marry the older guy in my nation. You probably thinking i am just joking but let me be honest
I reached the lonliness to the point I would become slave any older guys to if they say yes to me.
How are you all doing with you life?
Me: We barely are surviving.
Saddest part or my fear is I would myself become old searching for older man.
Thank you for reading
We come from conservative places its almost impossible to find older men who would stay with us.
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2023.03.24 04:12 BeBa420 New employee is possibly LGBT (nto sure), old employee is super homophobic... how should i handle this?

Hey all

Long story short i run a very small factory, only 5 employees counting myself. One of whom (lets call him Z) is currently overseas getting married, he returns early april (i should add that Z is currently renting my spare room so i do have a personal relationship with him outside of work, further complicating things, he will be moving out next year as his wife is staying in india til he can afford to buy his own place and move outta mine).

i recently hired a new employee, name of A. Young fella (youngest in the factory by a mile), very hard worker and i do like him, i think he's a great addition to the crew.

The issue is im fairly certain he's gay, no problem with me ive got a bi NB friend (also im more than happy to accept anyone, regardless of anything, so long as they do the work and get along with eachother i dont care about anything else)

The thing is ive been living with Z for about a year now and after a few months he let slip just how homophobic he is. he has said a lot of things that have disturbed me and my (straight) friends, one time he said something quite harsh (something along the lines of "i dont know why this country gives them so much freedom") then left to go out with his friends, my friends and i were all in shock over that. I dont like the way he thinks and talks about them and we have had many debates on it (ive also told him to STFU when my bi friend is around, i dont want him saying something dumb and offending them). I know Z can behave himself for short bursts of time but i dont trust him to be civil for an extended period of time. I reckon if he were working with a gay fella it would only be a matter of time before he said or did something idiotic.

Also i dont know for sure A is gay, but he does have some of the stereotypical characteristics, reminds me of a kid i went to school with who later turned out to be gay, so if im picking up on this Z will as well (even if it turns out the kid is straight). I do wanna have a chat with A before Z returns from india, just to tell him that if Z (or anyone for that matter) does or says anything to make him uncomfortable or offended he can come to me and ill handle it. I dont want him to think that just coz Z and i have a personal relationship ill automatically take his side, i definitely wont. I want the kid to know that hes safe. I just dont know how to go about it as i know i definitely cant ask "are you gay" (i have no right to and its none of my business,

I want to make it clear i will not tolerate bullying, i was bullied as a kid and dont like it. Dont believe anyone should be bullied, especially not for superficial bullshit like gender identity, race or sexual orientation.

So just curious, how should i handle this? especially interested to hear from folks who work in HR (we actually do not have a HR department as we're such a small company) or from LGBT folks who might have experienced similar situations at work, how would you have liked your employer to handle this?
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2023.03.24 04:09 Vinnyswirlss Unpopular Episode Opinions

I can read a story even if the author is controversial because I like their work not the author themselves. Just like how my favorite poems are by a creep that married his cousin. I don’t support your choices, your lifestyle or whatever however I like your work.
Bad Influence is like every other bad boy x popular girl story. I sincerely don’t understand it’s hype and I’m not saying this out of jealousy like when a story gets a shit ton of reads I usually can see why. however this one? I just genuinely don’t get it’s popularity.
A lot of inner monologue is not a deal breaker for me.
I can read a vampire story if the author brings something new to the table.
Some stories in the comedy section lack actual comedy. (Like seriously why are you even in the comedy section)
The innocent mc only gets on my nerves when she’s “too innocent” almost as if she’s childlike in a way then it’s like yeah automatic exist however if she was innocent like Luna from stay the night I don’t mind. I usually don’t like my main characters to be innocent though.
There should be more promiscuous mcs. It’s 2023 need I explain more?
It’s not completely unrealistic for someone to be in high school with tattoos. I went to a school with a few guys with sleeves and we were LEGITIMATELY 14/15. Apparently it was under the table so it does exist.
There should be more bold confident mcs however making them mean and overly arrogant is not how you write a confident mc. Confidence is being sure within yourself of who you are. Making them super mean and arrogant does not equal confidence.
Kendall from bad influence and Pyper from Dirty Business are the worst mcs I’ve ever encountered.
Him and I is extremely overrated.
Aspen from Ricochet is not that bad. I saw somewhere that a lot of people said she was extremely entitled and annoying. I think she’s confident perky assertive and funny at times. Definitely refreshing perspective in comparison to the overally innocent shy mcs or bitchy mean mcs who think being a bitch is a personality trait or somehow equates to confidence.
The Mc from the super clumsy girl is a stalker and she creeps me out. She followed the boy she liked home watched him through the bushes basically pulled a joe and ended up with him.
Alphan’s use of mean girls in her stories are getting overplayed now. She constantly uses the mean group of kids scheming against the mc trope in like every story and it’s getting boring.
Double Dunked is overrated.
Every story should incorporate side characters with screen time and actual storylines.
College crushing uses a misogynistic slur and nobody points it out. Not sure if the author is a female misogynist but her use of skank is not funny in any way.
The LGBTQ section only has a handful of good stories however the use of gay stereotypes are extremely disturbing which leads me to another point.
I LOVE Lucas’s slay however i can list so many examples in which he uses stereotypical gay stereotyping which offends me as a member of the LGBTQ community. Even some of the jokes are borderline offensive and wasn’t sure if anyone else seemed to have a problem with it but I did from the first moment I read the story. It plays off stereotypes of gay men, the submissive twink and the dominant guy you can’t tell is gay because he’s sOOOo dominant and masculine. As if masculine gays don’t exist.
I actually like Giana from butterfly kisses.
Hell’s stories are extremely repetitive however I’ll argue that this one is actually quite interesting in comparison to her other ones. However this one has an extremely toxic LI.
Kai from in my blood is one of the most toxic love interests I’ve ever encountered on episode besides drake from the sweetest compromise and all the 12 pack mafia dudes.
(Downvote me all you want✌🏼)
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2023.03.24 03:52 Soulegion Trying to get home and also avoid homelessness

Update:thank you to the kind redditor that sent me the $10. It will go to good use. Also, I got a ride home! A family member of a friend agreed to make the 4 hour round trip to get me. I'll be home by tomorrow morning!
Where to start? My wife and I are 33 and 34, respectively. We've been struggling for a few years now. We lived with my family for about a year before they decided to kick us out literally on Christmas eve. We managed to find a place we could just barely afford.
My wife has seizures, and so can't work her normal job which requires her to travel (driving w seizures is a nono). Unfortunately that means we're now down to 1 income. We do (did) the same job, collecting data from schools around the country for various projects.
About 2 weeks after we moved our 1 car started acting up, going into "limp mode" where it won't go over 30mph. We've been driving it anyway because with enough effort, it'll jump out of limp mode until we turn it off and back on again. At least until today. Having no other choice my wife was driving to the airport to pick me up at the end of my workweek. Except now the car won't work. So I'm currently stranded at the airport 2 hours from home, with $12 in my bank account. A 2 hour Uber is crazy expensive, especially since we live in the middle of nowhere (the only place we could afford).
Rent is due in 8 days, I'm stranded, my car is broke, and my wife's health is spiraling. I'm just trying to hold it together but every day I feel like I'm stretched a little thinner. To say nothing of my own health issues.
I don't know what else to do besides beg for help now. I need so much money to get back on top of things, it's ridiculous. There's no way anyone here could possibly give me, a stranger, the money to fix my car, pay my overdue car note, pay my rent, get me an Uber home, etc.
But any little bit would help. I'm hoping against hope that enough people will collectively have enough pity on me that at least SOME of my problems can get solved.
I DO have money coming in from working, but it's not going to be enough, and without a working car, idk how I'm going to be able to keep working, since i have to commute 2 hours to and from the airport each week.
But with the cost of food in the airport, i literally can't even feed myself while I'm stranded here.
If you made it all the way to the end of this sob story, I appreciate you taking the time, even if there's nothing you can do.
I do have cashapp and venmo. I sort of have PayPal but I'm forever having problems with them and am afraid if I tried, it either wouldn't work or would take me a few days of phone calls and verification nonsense to get things working properly. Thanks again in advance.
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